The Three Types of People Who May Derail Your Alcohol-Free Journey

[00:00:00] Hello there, my friend, I am Lori and this is To 50 and Beyond. I am so happy that you're here. If you're coming back to the podcast, you know how much I appreciate you for coming back. I'm giving you a big hug. And if you're new to the podcast, hello, my new friend, I'm going to give you a hug too. Don't be scared.

[00:00:14] It's you're going to be okay. I'm the midlife sobriety coach and founder of team alcohol free and online self-improvement community for women 35 and over. This is a place where you want to be. If you are looking for support, if you feel like you're going in alone, you're scared to join a community, you feel like you are out of touch with what it really takes to be alcohol free

[00:00:35] getting that support. Hearing those words. I understand how you feel. This is what works for me. You find so many different resources inside a community like Team Alcohol Free. And honestly, there isn't a community like Team Alcohol Free because it's only for women 35 and over because we rock, and we come together and we share stories and we share love and support and we have fun and we learn together.

[00:00:58] If you are somebody who is out there and you're [00:01:00] feeling like, you know, I've been listening to this podcast forever. And she has been talking about this for a really long time. Or if you're new to the podcast and you're saying, you know what, this is what I think I may be missing out on. I want to invite you to join the team – Team Alcohol-Free.

[00:01:12] The link is in the show notes. Always come on in, get on in there, start attending meetings today. Today, I want to talk to you about an important topic, managing your relationships without drinking. This is another lesson from my 30-day challenge inside Team Alcohol Free.

[00:01:26] The Alcohol-Free Habit Kickstart is the name of the challenge. The lesson that I'm going to share with you today is managing your relationships without drinking because we're talking about inside this lesson. The three types of people who may derail your alcohol-free journey. Now we are in the sixth week of the essential series, your guide to living alcohol free and midlife and beyond.

[00:01:47] This is a podcast series that I have been doing. I've heard from so many of you that you're enjoying it, and that has been really helpful. Yay. That's my mission. Always my mission here. So, if you are new and you're coming in on this episode, [00:02:00] it's okay. You don't have to go back to the beginning, but the essential series is always going to be linked in the episode’s description.

[00:02:06] If you want to go back and find the past episodes, one of my biggest fears and going into being alcohol free was the fact that I didn't think that my relationships would still work.

[00:02:17] I was scared that I would lose relationships. I was worried about the relationship with my husband, which I talked about inside this lesson. And this is a fear that so many of us share. And one of the biggest obstacles we face in letting go of alcohol is that fear of, well, what will happen if I don't drink when my best friend Barb on Friday night, when we would typically get together to drink, or what would happen?

[00:02:40] How would I tolerate Aunt Sally at Thanksgiving? If I'm not drinking, you know, all of these reasons and these obstacles and these fears, they're totally valid. And I know when we validate those fears, we can actually find a different perspective to them, which I'm going to give you today. I'm all about the.

[00:02:57] different side of this story that we're [00:03:00] telling ourselves about drinking and alcohol. The purpose of this episode is really to help you recognize that there are people you may experience in your life that will support you, they may enable you, they may be curious about why you're not drinking, and with each of these types of relationships you have, you can choose your choice to be alcohol free no matter how awkward or hard it gets.

[00:03:21] The three types of people I'm talking about today and will break down for you in this episode are number one, the supporters, number two, the enablers, Number three, the curious ones. I break down ways you could set and uphold boundaries with each of these relationships. And I talk about the importance of protecting your choice not to drink as a way to build a better relationship with yourself.

[00:03:40] It starts with you, this relationship that you're building with yourself. Living alcohol free is all about self discovery. I believe 100% That once you are being, like we talked about last week, being who you want to be, your identity and your behaviors start to align and the relationship with yourself becomes [00:04:00] unbreakable.

[00:04:01] And when you're good with you, nothing can stand in your way of what you desire most, not a person, not a circumstance, not a feeling or an emotion, or especially not alcohol. You step into that main character energy and alcohol gets canceled. I'm going to say it like I don't believe in the cancel culture, but let's cancel alcohol.

[00:04:21] Okay? Your choices, your opinions, your ideas about how you want to age and live out your life are the only ones that matter. The trust and the respect in yourself builds and you find freedom in being yourself. That is the place where true freedom from alcohol comes from. Not where you are drinking to please others or fit in or feel like you are hurting someone else's feelings because you made the choice to stop drinking alcohol.

[00:04:46] I just celebrated 10 years of sobriety last week, this past Friday, and there has never been a time where I regretted not drinking the day after feeling like I needed to drink because of a relationship. Because of the pressure that I was putting on [00:05:00] myself or the need to make someone else feel comfortable or not draw attention to myself.

[00:05:05] I never woke up and said, Oh my gosh, I wish I would have drank last night. I woke up and said, I'm so proud of you for not drinking. Remember always when you're met with any kind of peer pressure, any kind of fear going into a situation where you think, okay, I'm going to have to drink to be around these people. Remind yourself, what matters most is how I want to wake up tomorrow.

[00:05:27] And I want to wake up. Tomorrow being proud of myself because I built those reps. Like we've talked about building that muscle. This is another rep that you're taking every time that you're met with a challenge when it has to do with managing people and your relationships. So here's a lesson managing your relationships without drinking.

Hello. Welcome back. Today's lesson is about one of the biggest concerns a lot of women face when they decide to take a break from drinking or go alcohol free, and that is how their relationships may change if they choose not to drink. In a perfect world, we wouldn't be concerned about how our, making the choice not to drink alcohol would matter to anyone else.

But this world we know is not perfect, and we've got the messaging in society that we've grown up with when it comes to the normalcy of drinking alcohol. It's not helpful, but that's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect for you to choose an alcohol free lifestyle. If you choose to be alcohol free today, this choice is one that I know, you know.

In your heart and soul matters to you, and if it matters to you, it matters to me. This choice will change your life and maybe some of your relationships. It's okay. I wanna give you one of my favorite things that I say to myself whenever I'm worried about how the changes in choices in my life will impact others in my life.

And that is everyone will be okay, especially me because I'm choosing what I wanna do with my life. It's changed. That trips us up the most. It's scary. Let's face it, as I've talked about, I feared being left out or not being liked because fun. Laurie had left the building. Lean into those fears in your beliefs about your relationships.

Let them be and see what plays out. You can't control the outcome or anyone else, but you can control how you protect the asset, which is what we are going to talk about today. My friend, I had so many ideas in my head about what people would think about me not drinking and how my relationships would be affected, including the one with my husband.

And you know what? A lot of my worries never happened, and some of them did, and my relationship with my husband changed for the better. It took a bit to acknowledge that, but it did. I was no longer crying on the bathroom floor. I was taking care of myself, and in turn, that opened up another level to our relationship.

I started talking to him more about how I felt instead of drowning it all out and listening to how he felt. We started to explore new activities that didn't include sitting on our couch all weekend. Drinking alcohol, and I know 100% that me making the choice to stop drinking made it possible for us to take better care of ourselves together as we age.

In the past nine years of my sobriety, I have learned that relationships built on love and respect, not alcohol are the ones I want in my life. And in those relationships we grow and adjust together. Just like your relationship with alcohol changes. Our human relationships evolve because that is what we are supposed to do.

We're supposed to change. Some relationships never take off. Some are deeply rooted like the ones with our loved ones and others come and go. If you are concerned about acquaintances or coworkers, or your spouse or your partner or your best friend or your extended family not understanding your choice not to drink, whether it's one day or longer, I've got you in this lesson.

If you're here and you aren't concerned about managing your relationships, it's not an issue for you. Stick around because I will talk about managing the relationship with yourself first. The most important thing to remember right off the bat is that managing your relationships without alcohol starts with you.

If your beliefs about going alcohol free are similar to mine, then you've gotta give yourself time, grace. And patience to work through those beliefs and focus your precious time and energy toward protecting the asset, not other people's expectations or opinions of you taking a break from drinking.

People in my life were on a need to no basis When I stopped drinking because I didn't know what it all meant. I was not in a position to explain it to everyone before I knew myself. It doesn't matter what age we are. We all wanna be accepted, heard, understood, and supported by our friends and family, and even acquaintances when it comes to not drinking.

We want them to understand our choice. It stinks that we are all in this place where drinking poison is considered normal and you feel like you have to go into an entire dissertation to make people understand why you're not drinking, and it's okay. You are under no obligation to make anyone else understand your choice not to drink.

And it's okay that we have to feel like this. If you're met with those questions of like, why aren't you drinking? Even from people who have the best intentions towards you, you feel uncomfortable, and that may lead you to spontaneous drinking.

I like to call drinking under pressure, like when you're 45 days sober and somebody offers you a drink somewhere and you say, okay. It's like it flew outta nowhere, like who said that? Because you didn't want to say no and draw attention to yourself. I totally get that. That's spontaneous drinking. Let's get the relationships managed with yourself and others, so that doesn't happen to you.

The first step to managing your relationships starts with you. Like I said, we've talked about the three levels of behavior change, the outcome, the process, and the core, which is your identity. Your identity is someone who is attached to alcohol and has drank, it makes it difficult for you to accept yourself and others to accept this change.

Let's be honest, there's a lot of imposter syndrome happening, and that is one of the most uncomfortable things to overcome, but you can do it through setting and personal boundaries for your relationships Personal boundaries are what you are not willing to allow from yourself. You set these boundaries to protect yourself and what matters most to you in your life. I like to think of personal boundaries as choosing a lane that represents my values, my priorities, and my future self, and staying on that lane as much as possible by practicing saying yes to what I want and no to what I don't practice.

For example, I will not allow myself to say yes to a drink spontaneously just because I don't wanna stand out by saying, no thank you to someone else, cuz I wanna wake up tomorrow feeling like I didn't get hit by a truck last night. That matters to manage your relationships without drinking first. Let's put things into perspective about the type of relationship and why it matters to you.

Next, let's talk about setting some boundaries that will support your choice not to drink today. I will give you some examples using three different types of people and how your relationships today may show up in each category to help you set a boundary and know each and every time that this person is around what you will do, the three different types of.

People are, number one, the supporter. Number two, the enabler. Number three, the curious one. The supporter is someone who supports your choice to be alcohol free. This could be your spouse, your partner, best friend, family member, coworker, even. These are the folks you love and respect, and they love and respect you and who know you.

Also as a drinker, these relationships matter to you. Really matter to you. They get you. They've got you. But sometimes even a supporter will ask, when are you going to drink again? Or they may be concerned about you and wanna check up on you all of the time. Set a boundary and say, I will allow myself to ask for their support and let them know that I'm figuring things out and they don't need to keep checking up on me.

I'm going to ask for some grace here. Another boundary would be I will not allow myself to pressure myself about my choice right now to make them understand. It is not your responsibility to explain yourself or make anyone understand, but I know the need to do it.

If you have someone close to you in your life that is making it difficult for you to choose to be alcohol free, I feel for you. I'm giving you a hug and I am glad you're here. We are in this together. Get support where you can get it and cite the team or with somebody else and start practicing standing your ground in your choice.

It's not easy, but neither is continuing to drink to please anyone else. The next person, the enabler. This could be. Your spouse, partner, best friend, family member, or coworker this relationship matters to you, but at different levels, meaning your spouse or BFF is probably more significant than your coworker and less.

Your spouse, v fff is your coworker, and that's a whole different story. You get my drift. Those supporters can be enablers. They are used to you drinking and they may offer you a drink out of habit, a test, or because they don't like to drink alone. I was an enabler in some of my friendships and with my husband, and I'm not proud of it.

It's just true. Let's give the enablers a break. They are under. The impression that it is normal to drink and maybe one day they will be under a new impression. That being alcohol free is actually lovely. It's a normal choice to make because of you. You are a trailblazer, my friend. Even when you don't feel like it, you are set a personal boundary with a supportive enabler.

Who knows you're not drinking but is used to you drinking with them and offers you a drink every single night. I've had clients that have struggled with this, with their husband or wife trying to coerce them by offering them a drink even though they aren't drinking. Set a personal boundary for these folks by saying to yourself, I will not allow myself to drink because this person wants me to.

I will say, no, thank you. Another thing that may come up with an enabler is their opinion of how much you should drink or how long of a break from drinking you should take. You may hear you can have just one, or how long are you going to do this thing? In that scenario, set a boundary with yourself to remind yourself that when this comes up, you know yourself better than them and say to yourself, I will not allow their opinion of my drinking take precedence over mine.

Not today. Our last person is the curious one. The curious folks can of course, be your supporters and definitely be your enablers, but oftentimes these are your acquaintances or people you are meeting maybe for the first time. And for the purpose of this lesson, I'm gonna say the curious one is anyone outside of your supporters, let's look at it that way.

Curiosity is great. You're curious about being alcohol free, but anyone who is curious about why you're not drinking and is probing you for answers is not okay. You're a mature gal. You're a strong gal. You're figuring out life without drinking. You don't have to put up with probing or opinions of people who really don't make your life one way or the other.

Let's say the curious folks are people who are not going to be standing by your deathbed. That's how I like to look at it. I had a gal who came over to our house. Years ago for a pool party that we were hosting, and it was for my husband's work at the time, and I was probably about five years sober. I didn't have a cork screw for her wine bottle.

I didn't think about it because we were providing non-alcoholic drinks, but she brought a bottle of wine. I didn't know her, but after I told her that I didn't have a cork screw, not only was she shocked, Kind of pissed, I think, but very curious about why I didn't drink. She made me uncomfortable and I felt bad for not having a cork screw, but I thought about it later in the evening and I felt for her.

I think that was the first time she heard another woman say she wasn't drinking. She was very quiet during that party and didn't really say too much to me. After that, I thought maybe she is concerned about her own drinking and me saying I didn't drink, really shined a spotlight on that.

You never know what is happening in anyone's lives like we've talked about, and that goes both ways. This woman asked me, why would you not drink? It was shocking. And what do you do for fun in a joking manner? She had no idea what was happening in my life that led me to quit drinking, or how long I was drinking, and that quitting drinking was one of the most painful, hardest experiences and choices in my life.

She wanted to know what I did for fun because I didn't drink alcohol. Perspective, put your relationships into perspective, my friend. You deserve that. These folks that don't matter in your life one way or another, set a boundary with yourself that you will not allow them to come between you and your why.

Power each day, say to yourself, I will allow myself the grace to respond to the curious people in my life in a loving way because I don't know what is going on in their life that makes them so concerned about mine. I will not allow myself to drink or apologize for not drinking to anyone, especially the curious.

Some other examples to set when it comes to relationships will be posted in our daily check in cause I wanna start a conversation. Your action step today is to check in and share a personal boundary that you're already practicing or use or would like to start practicing so that you can manage your relationships with yourself and others without alcohol coming along for the ride.

We are working our way to the end of this challenge. I am always so proud of you for showing up here. Come back tomorrow for a soft and sweet message from me about what needs to change. If you haven't gotten outside today, go out. Take a walk with yourself and let yourself be present in the day. I will see you tomorrow.

Take care.

[00:19:54] Remember, my friend, before you leave this episode, the first step to managing your relationships, like I said in [00:20:00] this lesson, starts with you. You're showing up for yourself today. Continue to show up. Put in those reps it takes to stay alcohol free and don't let anything or anyone stand in your way. I see this with so much love.

[00:20:13] I know how hard it is to fear a change in relationships and keep drinking because of this fear. No one is worth you giving up your desire to be alcohol free your desire to find freedom from whatever it is that alcohol is bringing into your life, your desire to be who you really want to be and who you were born to be.

[00:20:31] No one, no one is worth it. And I know that sounds a lot easier said than done. No one is worth it.

[00:20:38] I want you to say something out loud with me on the count of three. Everyone will be okay if I don't drink, especially me on the count of three, one, two, three. Everyone will be okay if I don't drink, especially me. Create those boundaries for yourself and watch your relationship with yourself [00:21:00] blossom into one that is unbreakable, untouchable.

[00:21:03] I am with you. I am always cheering for you. I'm proud of you for being here today. If you want to get this episode and all of the other To 50 and Beyond episodes coming your way, delivered to your inbox the day before they air – join the To 50 and beyond the email community linked in this episode's description And if you are somebody who is out there and you're feeling alone You appreciated this lesson and you're ready to explore and create an alcohol free lifestyle.

[00:21:27] Come on in and join the team We get you we've got you The kickstart challenge is available to access and start today. It is prerecorded with 30 daily videos delivered every morning. some of the kickstarters like to listen first thing in the morning to start their day.

[00:21:41] I have made the video short so you can get in and get on with your day. And if you joined before 2024, you get updates coming your way in January, which are going to be so fun. It's a great time to get in team alcohol free for the holidays, get that support

[00:21:54] and all that we are doing together to create an alcohol-free lifestyle that fires us up. You will find [00:22:00] the link to join TAF inside the episode show notes along with a video from this lesson. Coming up next, our final episode in the Essential Series, How to Keep Sorbriety Top of Mind to Stay Alcohol Free.

[00:22:11] And I want to also say, and not lose your sanity or something like that with this episode, because I feel like it gets so overwhelming to try to find that keyword balance in living alcohol free. That's what we're going to talk about on Friday. I'll talk about finding more balance to avoid setbacks and recap the past six weeks of episodes to give you some final words of encouragement and love.

[00:22:33] I just appreciate you so much. If you were out there, you want to reach out and say hello to me, please do. You can always find me at hellolori@lorimassicot. com. Take care of yourself this week. Peace.