When to Keep Sobriety to Yourself and When to Share

[00:00:00] Today, we are talking about when it is a good idea to keep sobriety to yourself and when it is a good idea to share, I'm going to share my insights. I'm going to give you some questions to reflect on before sharing. And then I'm going to give you just some scenarios of when it is a good idea.

[00:00:20] When it's a good time to keep it to yourself. Thank you so much for being here today. If you're new to two 50 and beyond, this is a podcast that talks about living alcohol free later on in life. I am Lori. I am the midlife sobriety coach, your host, and the founder of Team Alcohol-Free and online self-improvement community for women 35 and over who are working together to create and explore an alcohol-free lifestyle later in life.

[00:00:43] I'm so happy that you are here. If you are somebody who is interested in getting guidance and support and having encouragement, some inspiration in your toolbox to manage life without alcohol. I want to invite you to join TAF before November 11.

[00:00:57] This is the day that I am closing [00:01:00] enrollment on my 56th birthday and enrollment will not be opened again until either the late part of 2023 or early 2024. If you need that extra support, we're going into the holiday season. I know I need it. This is a great community for you. It's a small group of women.

[00:01:17] There's no judgment. Everybody has diverse perspectives and, man, we're making some really great connections there. And we will welcome you with open arms. Whenever you have another gal who says, I totally get you and I've got your back. You feel more at ease with your choice to not drink.

[00:01:33] So go and check out Team Alcohol Free before it's too late to get enrolled in 2023. Let's get this party started. I want to share this topic because I know that it's hard in the beginning. You have this big thing that you're doing with your life. You're changing things up. You're making some big, bold moves because that's what going alcohol free is.

[00:01:55] It's a big, bold move and you want to share it with other people, But [00:02:00] then also you feel unsure and you feel uncertain, you're not sure about your own choice, and then also you're not sure about how it's going to be received it's an important topic to talk about because I think it's essential to protecting your choice, not to drink.

[00:02:15] And overall protecting yourself versus putting yourself out there when maybe it's too early and you feel a little bit too vulnerable and that's going to mess with your sobriety.

[00:02:25] I had friends and family who knew me as a drinker for 30 years. The friends I started drinking with at 14 were still in my life at 45 when I quit drinking. And I will never forget the first time I told a friend I had stopped drinking. This is not just... A friend, this is my soul sister. I have known her since kindergarten.

[00:02:42] I think of her as my sister. We were born 5 days apart. We both have blonde hair and green eyes. We both grew up in the same style tract home a few blocks apart. Have a sister named Debbie. The list goes on. This is my person, one of my, one of my people. And we were going up [00:03:00] that first year that I stopped drinking.

[00:03:01] So I stopped drinking in August and we were going up to San Francisco at the end of that year, between Christmas and New Year's and visiting with her family. And so I let her know one day I was at the gym. I think it was on the Stairmaster, which that's odd. I don't like the Stairmaster, but I was on it that day and I thought.

[00:03:17] This is the time. Send her a text, often the blow, let her know, Hey, I'm not drinking while I'm up there. I am choosing to stop drinking. I, whatever I said. And her response was, you'll get back to it, Laura. You'll get back to it. And I left it at that because I knew in my heart. I don't think I can get back to it, but I didn't need to say anything.

[00:03:38] It was okay. And once we got up there, I will never forget that first day we went shopping. And so we were picking up, food and snacks and drinks. And she asked me, do you care if I drink? And I appreciated that so much. That was a really kind response. And I knew that she cared about me. I knew that she wasn't going to push it on me.

[00:03:57] And so that immediately [00:04:00] helped me to feel more at ease. And then also I had already had three, four months of sobriety under my belt. So I was feeling a little bit more stable but that was very helpful. Later on in my sorority, I started sharing a little bit more with certain people. And, I heard different kinds of responses and this isn't anything against anybody else, but I did hear from one friend, what do you mean? You're not drinking forever. What's that question? What are you doing? And then another friend, you can moderate. You can moderate. You got it. And then from a close family member was like, do not ask me to stop drinking.

[00:04:35] And that was never my intention. And I think after each share early on, I just decided, you know what? This is a better choice for me to keep things to myself here and let everybody be on a need to know basis. And I chose this route because I was easily influenced by other people's opinions. And I knew in my vulnerable state in the beginning of early sobriety, I couldn't take someone saying you can moderate someone who has seen me drink for [00:05:00] decades and knows that I have no interest in moderating or have never been anybody who can moderate, or I really didn't want anybody's unsolicited advice or constant questioning.

[00:05:10] I didn't want them to worry about me. All of those reasons. And I hear from so many women, it's so exhausting hearing somebody say to me when I show up at an event, are you drinking today or you're not? It's I go back and forth with my drinking so much. I think that I'm going to talk about that for sure is one of those signs.

[00:05:26] That's a good idea to keep it to yourself. Nobody wants to hear, are you on the wagon or off every time you show up somewhere? So I'll talk a little bit more about that.

[00:05:34] Believe it or not, because I have this podcast, I speak very openly about my past, my drinking, not drinking. I share a lot here. I don't share all of it, that's for sure. I am a private person. It is the Scorpio inside of me, and especially with inner circle folks.

[00:05:51] And then I also like to bare my soul easily. It's also the Scorpio in me. I like to open up. I like people to listen. I like to listen to others. I like to have people [00:06:00] understand me, but in a perfect world, that doesn't always happen. And in the beginning, there was this fear of what if I change my mind?

[00:06:07] What if this isn't plan A for me? Cause I was going all in. If you haven't listened to past episodes, plan A is going all into an alcohol free lifestyle. I was all in, but what if? We always have that. What if I fail? What if I change my mind? Then I have to go through the whole process of sharing that I quit on quitting drinking and that I'm going back.

[00:06:28] I just decided this is not worth it for me. And at the same time, I really did want everyone to understand my choice and support me. I really wanted to hear how are you doing, what's happening. I wanted to get those calls and texts. Is there anything that I can do to support you? I wanted the checkout dude at Trader Joe's to congratulate me on not buying wine every single time I went through the line because shopping at Trader Joe's early on in my sobriety was one of the hardest experiences of my life.

[00:06:55] You don't know how hard this is. Please support me. I wanted. All of that, [00:07:00] those responses didn't come that often. And that's not knocking anybody in my family or my friends. It was just where they were and where I was. I wasn't sharing a lot of that private stuff and what was going on behind the scenes, because we all have those behind the scenes moments.

[00:07:14] Nobody knows what is happening with our drinking if we're not sharing it. And even when we do, nobody knows as well as we do. I really kept my sobriety to myself. And I know that for me, that was the right choice.

[00:07:27] Unfortunately, in 2023, there's still that idea of if you stop drinking, you're automatically deemed this certain label or this certain type of person. And back in 2013, for me, it was very much alive. I was very. shameful. I felt embarrassed by the fact that I couldn't drink. I was not shouting at the rooftops, I don't drink and feeling confident about it.

[00:07:51] That came in many months and years. That confidence that I built up in myself. So we are not alone in fearing the [00:08:00] fact that there will be some judgment. There will be an automatic response, like what's the problem? Why don't, why won't you drink? All of those things hold us back. And I think it is a good idea to keep things to yourself in the beginning.

[00:08:12] If you are fearful of facing that kind of stuff and it's okay, just because you stop drinking, doesn't mean you have to tell everybody your life story. Some folks find it really easy to share their choice to either take a break from drinking or quit. And. Some don't. We have to know our personalities, anything that has to do with alcohol and our drinking.

[00:08:29] It's a very personal journey and it's a very personal choice that we all come to when we say, I'm going to go all in to an alcohol free lifestyle. I really believe for 30 years that my drinking was acceptable. That's what we've grown up with that idea that drinking is normal. So that's where that stigma and that stereotype comes in. If you don't drink well, you just can't handle your alcohol. It means you have a. problem. And the good news is that going alcohol free is not what it used to be in today's world, where there is an alcohol free movement happening.

[00:08:58] And it's not about jumping on the [00:09:00] bandwagon and being trendy. It's about finding camaraderie and inspiration and empowerment to choose not to drink. We have another option and we need that. We deserve that. And I'm here for that.

[00:09:11] The main benefit of keeping sobriety to yourself is that you are focused on personal growth and validation from within, not externally. You are spending time working on yourself for yourself and your future self, and that's a precious act. No one knows about what you're doing and why you're doing it, just you.

[00:09:30] It's okay to keep this stuff to yourself. At the end of the day, you are the most important person in your life. Keeping sobriety to yourself is protecting yourself and your choice. .

[00:09:39] Navigating the decision to share or not share. It's not easy. So before I dive into when it's a good idea to keep sobriety to yourself and when it's a good idea to share, let's talk about the decision. The best way to look at this is you've got to step back and say, if I share with this person.

[00:09:54] What will they do with this precious information of mine? And then also, how will sharing [00:10:00] my sobriety with this person on a case by case basis benefit me? What is the gain here for me? Because your sobriety is all about you. It's not about them. How is it going to feel for you to share with this person?

[00:10:13] We have different people in our lives. Some of these people really matter to us and others, maybe just be an acquaintance or something. If you're going to a Halloween party at your neighborhood and your neighbor Barb asks you why aren't you drinking, pause for a moment and say, Will this benefit me in any way? If I share with Barb that alcohol is just not working for me anymore, and I stopped drinking, will this benefit me?

[00:10:37] What will Barb do with this information? If you have no idea or you feel unsure at all, keep it to yourself and tell Barb, I'm good for right now.

[00:10:46] Here's some other scenarios of when it's a good idea to keep your choice not to drink to yourself. You're unsure of what you want to do about your drinking. You're following your curiosity, and like me, you're influenced by other people's opinions, so you are not ready to hear [00:11:00] them. Keep it to yourself.

[00:11:01] You're worried that people are going to judge you or talk about you behind your back. Keep it to yourself. If you are someone who is saying no to drinking and people around you are asking why, you don't have to share all of your reasons. Keep those reasons. On the down low, they will start to see that inner glow and energy shift and wonder, what is she up to?

[00:11:21] If you're worried about other people talking about you behind your back, if you're not drinking, they're going to talk no matter what. There are certain people that we know are going to talk no matter what. Give them something to talk about by keeping this to yourself. Another scenario of when it's a good idea to keep sobriety to yourself is you keep explaining yourself ad nauseum to try and make your spouse or BFF or your Aunt Sally understand, and they just don't. Don't get it. No matter what you say, no matter how many articles you show them about the dangers of drinking, no matter what, they just don't get it.

[00:11:55] Our internal struggles with our drinking is not for anyone else to [00:12:00] understand. They can't understand it because they don't know no matter how close these people are to us, no matter how much we explain ourselves and share ourselves with them.

[00:12:10] They don't know what we're going through internally. On the outside, I looked like I had my shit together. I worked a full time job for years. I built a business. I was an incredible hostess and decorator. I had it all going on. It was a mom, a wife on the outside. I really did look like, Hey, she's got it together. She is okay. Nobody had any idea what was going on internally because I didn't know.

[00:12:30] I didn't know what was happening, why my drinking was really taking over especially in my late thirties and my forties and it was changing. I was continuing to drown myself out with alcohol.

[00:12:40] I had fallen so far out of touch with myself and no one knew this because I worked hard at keeping the balls in the air. So on the outside, people think you got it together.

[00:12:49] You can just drink moderately or I just don't get it. I don't get why you have to do it because they don't know internally. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Step away from the constant need to make others understand and [00:13:00] take time for yourself. So you understand more about why you are choosing not to drink.

[00:13:04] Take a walk when this happens, get outside, put some 80s music in your ears, write your reasons why you were choosing this lifestyle in your journal, and keep on keeping on with not drinking before you utter one more word to make anybody else understand your choice.

[00:13:18] Actions speak louder than words. . They'll get it eventually. I just, I love you. Please stop doing this. You do not have to do this.

[00:13:26] Another scenario of when it's a good idea to keep it to yourself. You've been around the sobriety block a time or two. This isn't your first rodeo and you don't want to hear from other people. Are you drinking tonight, Jan? Or are you not drinking? You don't want people to police your drinking. You don't want people to remind you.

[00:13:43] Hey, you've said this before and you didn't follow through. Keep it to yourself. Do the damn thing, and let those actions speak for themselves. This is such a great way for you to connect with yourself on a deeper level, be proud of yourself, and then also have this like secret thing that you're working on. And it doesn't have to be a secret [00:14:00] for long if you don't want it to be, but it's okay to keep a secret with yourself and to just follow through and not let anybody else know about it.

[00:14:07] I love giving you these suggestions, but at this point in the podcast, I want to encourage you to identify when you feel it would be a good idea to keep sobriety to yourself.

[00:14:15] And if you can relate to any of these scenarios that I've just shared That's great. But also what are some other things? Maybe you feel like you're pressuring yourself or you're jumping the gun a little bit on sharing with people that really don't matter in your life. Make a list of them because it's good to put it down in writing so you can actually see it let's talk about when it's a good idea to share your sobriety with others. The short answer here is when you're ready. My friend, when you feel comfortable and you know that it will be beneficial for you if you share, and you trust the person that you're sharing with, this could be the first time you say a combination of three really terrifying words, I'm not drinking, or I don't drink, or I'm alcohol free tonight,

[00:14:55] Working through your thoughts and feelings and the fear that we have, if you feel embarrassed, if you [00:15:00] feel shameful in sharing, it takes time to share that personal stuff with other people.

[00:15:04] So always remind yourself, I don't have to rush this. I'm going to do it when I feel comfortable. And it could be spontaneous. I don't have to have it planned out, but for right now, I'm going to keep it to myself. If you're open to sharing, just know that honestly, when we let things out, we feel better.

[00:15:21] We feel a little bit lighter. But again, you got to remember who am I sharing this with? That's one of the most important things. So go back to those two questions. How will sharing my sobriety with this person benefit me? What will I gain? And what will this person do with this precious information? What we want to have happen is what should happen in our life.

[00:15:39] Somebody listening to us and then responding back. How can I support you because a lot of people don't know what to say, but that is a great response to get back

[00:15:49] or just hearing someone say, once you share, I don't really relate to what you're going through, but I'm here to support you.

[00:15:56] That's what you deserve hearing. What will I gain if I share with Barb at the [00:16:00] Halloween party? What will Barb do with knowing? Will she talk you into drinking or say awesome? Or is Barb the neighborhood gossip and take your sweet sobriety around the party judging you? Put each relationship into perspective.

[00:16:12] I'm going to give you a couple more suggestions of when to share and who to share with. This one goes along with the back and forth with drinking. You are so tired of it. Something's got to change if you're going to change your drinking you are keeping your choice to go alcohol free to yourself and it's just not working. This is a great time to find that trusted friend or family member or an accountability partner. You can go to an online community or you can go to an in person meeting and be around other people who are doing the thing to help you work on your sobriety.

[00:16:39] The accountability is beneficial for those of us who need it. And most of us, we don't even realize we do need it until we get it. People don't have to relate to what you're going through to support you. There is no shame in sharing and asking for support. When we change something that's not working in sobriety, we can change how we maintain our sobriety.

[00:16:57] Another scenario of when it's a good idea to [00:17:00] share, you feel that your relationship will benefit. From you sharing, whether it's with your kids or your friends or your extended family, you feel in your heart and soul that your relationship will be closer and you will feel more understood and comfortable and being around them without drinking.

[00:17:15] If you feel like you're avoiding people that you love and you feel like it's going to be a challenge to be around them and you're ready to share, go for it. If people don't understand, remind yourself that it's not up to you to explain and go back into lockdown with your choice and start to put in the effort to find people who understand you and support you.

[00:17:32] I have found more support and encouragement outside of family and friends through the sober community and my new friends over the past seven years. There is a different level of support and connection with people outside of your inner circle, . Having a support system is essential in living alcohol free, and if you don't have it, get it. Go out and create it for yourself. Lastly, it's a good idea to share your sobriety because you're proud of yourself. Share away, my friend, this is not you [00:18:00] bragging or being better than anyone else.

[00:18:01] This is about you becoming your best self, alcohol free. This is not an easy road. Self pride is our best reward to living alcohol free. Be proud and let that pride shine through the next time you say, I don't drink in conclusion, my friend, give yourself the time you deserve to reflect on what you will gain from sharing your sobriety and not sharing and whatever you do,

[00:18:21] treat your choice not to drink alcohol as the precious gift that it is and continue working on yourself for yourself and your future. You matter most when and if you feel shaky about your choice not to drink because someone doesn't understand, or you're not sure how you're going to approach a conversation with someone, come back to this episode as a reminder that you don't owe anyone an explanation, and it's okay if they don't get it.

[00:18:42] You've got work to do. Find people who get it like me. I'm always here for you. And then remind yourself if you're going into any situation and you feel shaky and you feel like, I just don't know if I'm confident enough to go because I'm not drinking, it's okay to skip it and stay home. But it's never okay not to protect your [00:19:00] choice and what you want more than alcohol.

[00:19:01] It's just not, let's not accept that from ourselves anymore. Thank you so much for listening. I will see you next week with a new episode with my friend, Amy Connell, who's coming here to cohost a wonderful conversation about managing stress during the holidays.

[00:19:15] Don't miss it. And again, if you are somebody who is looking for guidance and support and community and living alcohol free, please go and join team alcohol free. I will welcome you with open arms. We're going to have a wonderful time throughout the rest of 2023 and enrollment will close on November 11th.

[00:19:31] Take care of yourself this week. Peace.