A Message to Help You Stay Sober This Holiday
I have a message for you today that I would have loved to hear when I was celebrating my first few holidays alcohol-free.
If you are in a place where you are having a hard time staying sober due to the memory of drinking during the holiday, this episode is for you.
I talk about challenging the "just one glass" theory to ride out cravings and F'it moments and give you some of my best mantras and tips to help you stay focused on what you more than drinking.
I encourage you in this episode to focus on your "why-power," the reason why you started on this sober journey to begin with. That reason matters to you, and because it matters to you, it matters to me.
I'm with you!
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[00:00:00] I don't ever assume that you are not in a good place in your sobriety. I know many women who are excited to spend the holiday alcohol free, whether it's their 10th or their first. This episode is for you. If you are sober for any amount of time and you're having a hard time in staying sober during the holiday, Be here with me during this episode as I come to you with a message that I needed desperately during my first holidays after I stopped drinking.
[00:00:26] I am Lori Massicot, the Midlife Sobriety Coach and founder of Team Alcohol Free. If you're new here, we talk about living an alcohol-free lifestyle later in life. I'm so happy that you are here. If you're returning back to the podcast, thank you so much for coming back, giving you all a big virtual hug. We are coming up on the end of 2023.
[00:00:46] That blows my mind and I want to. Give you this kind message because again, I know how hard it was in the beginning of my sobriety And I'm going to talk a little bit about that. I started drinking at 14 [00:01:00] in 1982 ish we had a perm and I stopped drinking at 45 in 2013 didn't have a perm. I was going through perimenopause, and I struggled during that first year.
[00:01:12] I got sober in August and immediately started to dread the upcoming holiday. I just knew that I wasn't going to be able to stay sober with people around me drinking, or those favorite holiday traditions that I had, those memories of, where everything that I did during the holidays involved drinking alcohol.
[00:01:30] In that first year, I shut down all of the normal holiday traditions to protect myself and my sobriety. But it was still hard. Doesn't matter if you have 100 people around you drinking or you are at home alone. The holidays can be a challenging time to stay sober. If you feel alone right now, please know you're not.
[00:01:49] I am with you and I am here for you. You are going to be okay. It is an honor to be among humans who are changing their relationship with alcohol. If you are [00:02:00] listening to this podcast for the first time, this is your number one episode, or you're coming back. This is the 273rd episode that I've recorded.
[00:02:09] I want to just thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you so much. And when I start the episodes, I always say, Hello, new friend. Welcome back, old friend, because that's what I feel like. This is who I'm talking to. You're here because this topic matters.
[00:02:23] Sobriety in the middle of life and beyond. It matters to you. And I don't ever discount that. And because it matters to you, it matters greatly to me. No matter how long you were a drinker or how long it's been since you've been sober, if you're staying alcohol free this holiday, you are a badass.
[00:02:41] My friend, you are a trailblazer. You are someone who wants better for themselves.
[00:02:46] You are no longer willing to give in to your reasons of why drinking sounds like a good idea because promises of alcohol are never true. They're always broken. You're willing to push those reasons off this pedestal that [00:03:00] we've all put alcohol on and move your reasons why you don't want to drink, your why powers, what I call it, there instead.
[00:03:06] And I applaud you. for making the choice to make your reason why you don't want to drink way more important than alcohol. This is not an easy choice to make at times. And I know sometimes, especially if you are here during the holidays or whenever you're listening to this episode, you're thinking, I am about ready.
[00:03:26] To chuck it all get it. Oh my gosh. I was there for so many Moments in my first couple of years of living alcohol free. I wanted to chuck it all I kept asking myself Is this worth it? This is where we find this better relationship with ourselves We get through those moments and we say I'm gonna give myself one more day here and then I'm gonna revisit this topic You are someone who works through the effort moments and you know those moments you've worked through them.
[00:03:55] You've done it before Even if you've done it one time, there you go If you [00:04:00] haven't get ready for working through these effort moments You work through the moments when you feel left out Because you don't drink without drinking because you know that alcohol doesn't help anything You were drinking to forget or celebrate nor does alcohol help you connect with your loved ones or enhance the holiday season You have proof of that.
[00:04:18] You are someone who is doing the work to stay alcohol free. You're listening to podcasts like 250 and beyond. You're reading Quit Lit. You're going to therapy, or you've hired a coach, or you've joined an online alcohol free community. You're learning about what alcohol does to your mind and body, and you're learning more about yourself and your capabilities to keep sobriety going.
[00:04:39] You are showing up for yourself. You're here. That's the hardest part. I'm so proud of you. I'm inspired by you. I'm here as a podcast host because of you. In my 30 years of drinking, alcohol didn't enhance my holiday. It took me out of the holiday after the first sip, because if I had one sip, I was only focused on the next sip, the next sip, [00:05:00] and the next sip.
[00:05:01] Not Christmas or Thanksgiving or birthday celebrations or not the people around me. During that first holiday season, my brain wanted to talk me into Lori, you can have just one glass.
[00:05:14] It will be okay. It's the festive time of year. Alcohol plus holiday celebrations equals fun, fun, fun. This time, or quotes, this time will be different. After all, you have just spent the past four months not drinking, you've got this. Christmas will be easier, better, more enjoyable if you just have one glass.
[00:05:33] You can get back on track with the sobriety thing tomorrow. That's what I was going back and forth with. Even though, and if you are new here, I talk about the one thing that helped me get sober and stay sober. I went all in. The mindset of going all in, there was no other option. Alcohol just did not exist for me.
[00:05:51] And I know that sounds so much easier said than done. But. I was all in, but at the same time, I was still negotiating with myself. I lived in a [00:06:00] perpetual cycle of living in the moment and starting over tomorrow for decades with food, with my exercise. Then as I got into my early to mid forties with alcohol, the truth of the matter was one glass or one holiday spent drinking opened up the floodgates to tomorrow being spent the same way.
[00:06:22] When you reintroduce alcohol, no matter if it's been a week or it's been a month or it's been 10 years, you reintroduce alcohol and you're telling yourself, I got it this time because I've had all this time off. I have experience with it. If you are someone who can relate to my story of not having that off switch and you reintroduce just that first sip into your life, whether it be the holiday or whether it just be a stressful day, we are opening that door to alcohol is back on the table.
[00:06:49] It's no longer plan A, alcohol is floating around in there the plan B is in the mix now, and that's where it gets so confusing and hard, and our thought process goes to alcohol,[00:07:00] everything that we do is going back to, well, I could probably have a little bit of alcohol when I go out to see my BFF Friday night, because it's back on the table,
[00:07:10] if you're in that perpetual cycle, like I was with different things and you're saying, okay, well, I'll get back on track tomorrow. I knew the belief that comes with this. There is so much hope and comfort in those moments where you tell yourself it's okay. And only you know the truth. Only you know that truth.
[00:07:28] And there are many people in this world who can have one glass and they're satisfied with that. If you know yourself, And you've got an inkling of what really motivates you to drink. And then also your track record of saying this to yourself.
[00:07:44] You can allow yourself to get to the moment where you just say, okay, this isn't true for you. Then you're going to learn each time you go through these moments. And listen, when I was in my first holiday, it was a hundred moments of talking myself in and out of drinking. Let's [00:08:00] just look at this one glass theory for a minute.
[00:08:02] This is what I remember about my just one glass theory. I can have just one, and then I will be happy. Or I'll have more energy or I'll feel relaxed around people. Just one glass will be enough. And I had this vision, I'm going to look like the people in the alcohol ads, right? And just going to be happy and fun.
[00:08:22] And oh my gosh, after I get done with that one glass, I'm going to set it down and I'm not going to want another. When I was able to do that, that it was forcing myself to do that. It's not what I wanted to do in my heart and soul. I was forcing myself to put that one glass down in an effort to prove to myself that I could do it, but in reality, I didn't want to do it. I remember thinking, you get that happy buzz off that first glass and you're good. You can put it down.
[00:08:47] Me rationalizing, me trying to give myself the out. And what I realized is that first glass, this is what led me to stop drinking. I would write in my journal, this is becoming a really bad habit. I don't even [00:09:00] like it anymore. I'm drinking more and more and I'm not getting that happy buzz that I used to get, back when I was 20.
[00:09:06] It's not the same. And so I realized that my just one glass theory ended up being one bottle. And I would start to negotiate that with myself towards the end. Let me not drink more than one bottle and then I will be okay. And spoiler alert here, if you haven't heard my story, one bottle ended up not being enough for years.
[00:09:24] So the just one glass. Theory is bullshit for millions of humans out there. We have no desire to have one glass of alcohol. There is no off switch. The second, the first sip hits your lips.
[00:09:34] If you are one of these beautifully strong humans, it's okay to feel the pain that comes with one of the hardest things that we have to do with our drinking is acceptance. Of just one glass is never going to be enough, and it will open the floodgates to more and more and more.
[00:09:48] It was painful for me to accept that I didn't want one glass of alcohol that I didn't think I ever would. I couldn't accept it because I was worried about what that would say about me. What would [00:10:00] me not drinking mean to other people? What would it mean to myself? Because that's where we gotta start.
[00:10:04] That was the hardest part. Accepting it for myself. That I couldn't control my drinking. What did that say about me? That I wasn't like everyone else? Because in my mind everyone could control their drinking. They were drinking normally. What did that say about me? That I'm not normal. That I don't fit in.
[00:10:22] And ultimately that I'm addicted to alcohol. A certain label of drinker that no one wants to be or be around. And that's where I was for a really long time. It held me back from getting sober. The stigma of sobriety held me back from getting sober. And then I had to look at it as the more and more I went on without drinking, the acceptance started to shift.
[00:10:43] And I did accept it. I did accept the fact that I didn't want to just have one glass. I didn't want to drink. If there is such a thing as a normal person, it's not in my makeup and it's not my personality. If I go into alcohol, I'm all [00:11:00] into alcohol. So if I'm going into living alcohol free, I got to be all in on living alcohol free.
[00:11:04] There is no middle ground there for me. I kept looking at it as, I accept the fact that I can't drink. I accept the fact that even though it's the holidays, I don't have to drink. I accepted the fact that I am somebody who is willing to accept her truth, no longer void or put off what I desire more than alcohol.
[00:11:25] And I started looking at it as the more and more I went on, because this wasn't happening in the beginning, but in that mindset of this is a bad ass move, this is a bad ass move. You are so much stronger. And that's the message I want to give you to start off with. You are so much stronger than you think.
[00:11:43] You can do hard things. You can forge ahead. Even if you feel alone in this desire to no longer drink without drinking, you can forge ahead until you get to the other side of it where you realize, okay, I'm here now. I can look back with so much gratitude and appreciation for [00:12:00] myself. I want to talk about the effort moments as it just came to my mind as I was talking.
[00:12:05] It could either be, forget it, I've had enough of this, I'm going all in to drinking, it's always your choice, or it could be, fuck it. I'm going all in to drink it, whatever language you choose to use, and it's that YOLO, you only live once. This could be the last Christmas for me. This could be the last New Year's for me.
[00:12:23] I'm going all in to drinking alcohol. If you've been there before, if you've had one Christmas or one New Year's or one holiday, whatever holiday it is where you have gone all into drinking, why not look at it as YOLO. I only live once. I want to experience this holiday clear and present without drinking no matter how difficult it is.
[00:12:44] Don't let anyone or anything or any day on the calendar take this choice away from you because we always have a choice. I used to remind myself alcohol isn't going anywhere nor the holidays. I used to tell myself, well, it's Christmas. I'm going to have to work through this at some point, and I'd [00:13:00] rather do it right now than wait again until next year, because that means I'm going to spend another year drinking.
[00:13:05] I offered myself one more day. I offered myself the ability to realize after a while, you can't change your mind on this. You were the only one doing this. Nobody's making you do this. You were in charge here. And so that gave me a little bit of ease and more of flexibility in my mind, because that's taken me many years to develop a real practice of being flexible with myself and not being so all or nothing.
[00:13:30] Except when it comes to alcohol and other areas of my life. But that was it for me. And like, alcohol is not going anywhere. Christmas isn't going anywhere. It'll be here next year. That was big for me in the beginning, because I just remembered, I'm going to have to do this at some point.
[00:13:45] Let's do it now.
[00:13:46] There will always be a reason to drink and a reason not to drink if you let there be. So if you could pull yourself out when you're in that. Zone of I'm negotiating with myself. I'm giving [00:14:00] myself so many different reasons of why alcohol sounds like a good idea.
[00:14:03] Let me look at the other side of this. If you can do that, which I know you can be very mindful in those moments. And I mean, take a break, get a piece of paper out, write it down. Why don't I want to drink versus why do I think that drinking would be a good idea? It's going to help you. Is that reason why you don't want to drink?
[00:14:22] Why you started off on this journey? It's still there and that's not going anywhere either. It's going to be there. It's going to always be there for you. Just tap into it. Staying sober during the holiday meant that I would feel better the next day. That was my why and that would be a milestone. Choose the milestone over the effort moment.
[00:14:41] You know how that plays out. You deserve to experience what it feels like to keep your word to yourself and honor your choice not to drink for a better tomorrow. Those effort moments are fleeting. The moment will be forgotten, I promise. If you wait it out, go live life while the craving is happening.
[00:14:57] Talk to somebody. Like I said, write it [00:15:00] out. Watch your favorite holiday movie that doesn't make you want to drink. Put some music in your ears. Dance like no one is watching. Eat cookies, meditate and breathe. And please do me this one favor. This one practice this holiday. Give yourself love. Kindness and compassion, you're human.
[00:15:20] You're not perfect. Give yourself a big hug. You just wrap your hands around your shoulders. I'm doing it right now. Squeeze a little bit. Talk to yourself like you would have loved one who is struggling right now, who feels lonely, who feels like a bystander in their traditional holiday celebration. Get connected with yourself.
[00:15:38] When you remind yourself that, I am all I need right now, I am the one that is going to get me through these moments, you're going to become a better friend to yourself. You are going to build that relationship that matters most, because I know you've worked on the relationship with alcohol.
[00:15:52] Now you're working on the relationship with yourself. Go live life while these moments are happening. The craving is going to pass. And remind [00:16:00] yourself the idea of you drinking, whether it be this romantic idea or this just one glass theory idea may not be your reality.
[00:16:08] And you are the only one that knows that \ if it's your nightmare, like it was for me, keeping me up at night towards the end, I'm like, Oh my gosh, why did I do it again? Why do I keep doing this? And then I couldn't go back to sleep.
[00:16:20] Please give yourself this gift of choosing the milestone over the moment. Get excited for what is coming your way. You have a reason why you were here with me today. You were listening to an episode about staying sober during the holiday. You either listening for yourself or for a loved one. Maybe you're curious about sobriety and you want to check it out. Who knows to you?
[00:16:40] I want to ask you to say the reason why you were listening to this episode today. You're here with me. I want you to say it out loud right now. Why are you listening to this episode today? I think I can hear, hmm. I want to wake up the day [00:17:00] after the holiday feeling proud of myself. I've never experienced this before.
[00:17:05] Yes, I hear that you deserve feel proud of yourself. Go ahead and give yourself the gift of this milestone. I'm also hearing I'm listening to this episode because I want to help my mom stay sober this holiday. She has gone back and forth with her drinking and I want to help her enjoy the holiday sober and that is so kind of you.
[00:17:26] If you're listening to this for someone else and you're thinking about sending this episode to them, Thank you, first of all. And second, please tell them you love and care about them and want to do whatever you can to support them right now. And if you do feel like something like this would be helpful to them, send it on over.
[00:17:42] Instead of saying, you should listen to this, you should stay sober, you should stop drinking. Just say I love you so much and I thought this episode may help and you always know the person if you're sending it to somebody you know if this is going to be received well and if it's not anyway you're here and you're listening because you care about this [00:18:00] person.
[00:18:00] One more is coming through here. I'm here because I feel lonely right now. And I'm about to say F it. I can't find any pro in staying sober this holiday. I have got you my friend. I know you feel lonely. It doesn't matter if you are in that room with a hundred people or you are on your couch alone. This feeling of loneliness is hard to experience, especially during the holiday season.
[00:18:22] And I know that alcohol was your companion. I know that alcohol would swoop in and take the loneliness away for a brief amount of time. But in the long run, alcohol is not only adding to your loneliness and the way that you feel, it's also adding anxiety. Self shaming being down about yourself, you know at the heart and soul of our lives where we are just like, oh my gosh I want to feel really proud of myself I want to feel good when I look in the mirror the next day alcohol is robbing you of that So if you can get to those moments, and I know they're difficult whether it's loneliness or [00:19:00] anxiety or stress I feel this way right now Befit, I am going to let alcohol take this away from me.
[00:19:05] Can you please give yourself about 10 minutes to talk to yourself kindly and say, but what are you going to be adding to your day tomorrow? What are you going to be adding to your night tonight? A sleepless night? Are you going to be adding more anxiety? Are you going to wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror and not even be able to look in the mirror like I used to do and feel so much disdain for yourself?
[00:19:28] What is alcohol actually adding to the mix, not taking away for you in the short term, those F it moments. And what can I do to remind myself that I may feel lonely, I may be alone completely, I may not have anybody to talk to, but right now I'm learning how to be a better friend to myself, I'm learning how to have a better relationship with myself.
[00:19:48] Where I can say no matter what, I am the only one that can do this for me. It doesn't matter if there's a hundred people around me, I am the only one who can make sure that I stay sober because it matters to me.[00:20:00] I want to say this over and over and over again to remind you, you are not alone. There are midlife women all over the world who have realized, some for years, that alcohol is no longer a viable option for them, and they're having a hard time right now.
[00:20:13] There are midlife women all over the world who are anxious about going to a holiday party or hosting the traditional family event. They're keeping the balls up in the air, and alcohol used to help them with that, and they're having a hard time right now. There are midlife women who are bowing out this year and saying no to anything that will interfere with their sobriety, like I did.
[00:20:32] There are midlife women who are going to grin and bear it and pray that they will not drink this holiday. And there are midlife women who aren't sure how they are going to do this holiday without drinking, but no matter what, are going to focus on the milestone over those effort moments. We are all in this together.
[00:20:49] This podcast will continue to go on because the topic of sobriety and midlife is very much needed. I cannot tell you how cool this group of women is. [00:21:00] And thousands and thousands of you listen to this podcast each month. So many midlife women are setting up and saying, My life is happening right now. I'm no longer willing to drink through it. And that is the message that I needed to hear back when I quit drinking. I just needed somebody to say it,
[00:21:13] And that is why I'm here with you. And back when I stopped drinking, I had a mantra, whatever it takes. Three words. Whatever it takes. It centered me and helped me focus on the reason why, my why power, I didn't want to drink. I probably said it a hundred times that first Christmas and it helped.
[00:21:29] Whatever it takes, Laurie. Eat the cookies. I tried the faux champagne. It didn't work. Drink the diet coke. Don't judge yourself for doing the things that you need to do to stay sober. And alcohol used to be my height person. And so what I realized is, before I got ready for anything, including just family holiday, I would drink.
[00:21:49] Get myself hyped up, feeling good. And in those first holidays, I really had to become my own hype person, just like you are, and you can be, if you're not already there. So choose a mantra. [00:22:00] I'm going to give you some, but something that's really going to resonate with you. It's going to give you a lot of love and peace,
[00:22:06] If you're at that dinner table with Aunt Sally and you're just like oh boy, I got to get out of here. This is just too much for me. What is the mantra that you will say to yourself? Here are some that I want to give you for options.
[00:22:18] I choose connection over consumption. That's focusing on the people, not what you're consuming. Another one. I want to fill in your Y power. And that trumps any sip of alcohol because, and then fill it in. So I want to feel better. I want to feel like my best self. And that trumps any sip of alcohol because I am so tired feeling so down about myself.
[00:22:46] Another one. I am stronger than the effort moments. I am stronger than this effort moment in the moment.
[00:22:52] I will honor and empower my choice to stay sober or alcohol free over others opinions of me, not [00:23:00] drinking. I am safe within myself. I am learning to fill in the blank, feel lonely, feel bored, celebrate the holiday, be around Aunt Sally without drinking.
[00:23:14] For me it would have been, I am learning how to celebrate the holiday without drinking. Another one, this is my time to be a better friend to myself. This is my time to be a better friend to myself. Give yourself a hug. I will wake up tomorrow feeling fill in the blank and I will celebrate myself by fill in the blank.
[00:23:37] I will wake up tomorrow feeling so shocked. That was my first holiday. I will wake up tomorrow feeling so shocked that I did this, but I'm going to celebrate myself by saying, Amy, that was fantastic. I can't believe you did it. And the confidence that I just felt in that first year, it's just like, boom. I was talking to a client the other day and she said, sobriety is a confidence booster.
[00:23:59] [00:24:00] Well, yeah, it's a confidence booster. Another one, I choose the milestone over the moment. And the last one, I am not alone as long as I am with myself. If you don't have someone in your corner this holiday, please reach out to me via email. It's in the show notes. Let me know where you are in the world and tell me your intention for the holiday.
[00:24:18] Are you going to stay sober? Put it out there. Don't keep it to yourself. If you have a trusted friend or spouse or family member to share your intention with, please open up and share it because what that does is it stops the negotiating with yourself just a little bit. You're able to say, okay, I didn't keep this to myself.
[00:24:35] I shared it with someone. I shared it with Lori. I may not know her, but she knows where I'm at and we do, and you can share it and just get it out there and just get it off your chest. You deserve to enjoy every single day that you're not drinking.
[00:24:49] And if you feel like you're stuck in that cycle of, I'm thinking about it. I'm in the effort moment cycle, the negotiations are happening. You're not able to enjoy what is happening around you. And I want you to be present. [00:25:00] I want you to enjoy the holiday season. So reach out to me, my final words here for you, my friend.
[00:25:06] The day will come when you look back on the holidays while drinking those holidays where you spent drinking with so much gratitude and appreciation for yourself because you pulled yourself out of it and you gave yourself the gift of sobriety. Staying sober during the holiday can be the best gift you give yourself.
[00:25:22] It's the gift that keeps you going, helps you build that trust in yourself, that confidence in yourself, and it's never too late. You are never too old to experience the stronger relationship with yourself. You do deserve it. I will say that repeatedly as well.
[00:25:36] I will be back next week with a fun to end of the year ritual, how to write a dear alcohol letter tune in there. If you are not subscribed to the podcast, make sure you subscribe either on Apple podcast or Spotify. And I thank you again for being here from the bottom of my heart. Happy holidays to you and yours.
[00:25:52] I am with you. I'm going to be spending this holiday sober, clear and present with my family. And I'm going to be cheering [00:26:00] for you and myself because it's not easy. And we rock. Badasses. We're trailblazers. I'll see you next week, my friend. Peace.
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
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