Learning to Love Yourself More with Paula Muller
episode #325
This episode is about self-discovery after you choose to commit to an alcohol-free lifestyle.
I’m honored to introduce you to my guest, Paula Muller. Paula is a supportive part of my online community, Team Alcohol-Free. In this episode, Paula and I dive deep into the real changes that come with sobriety, how self-love evolves, and what it’s like to “love yourself more” after alcohol.
Paula’s Story: From Drinking to Self-Love
Paula shares her journey of growing up with alcohol, starting at age 13, and how drinking became a part of her identity through high school, college, and into adulthood.
She opens up about what led her to finally stop drinking on April 8, 2024—a night in a hotel room that changed everything for her. That decision marked the beginning of a new chapter, not just a milestone to check off, but the launch of a life she truly loves.
The Power of Milestones and Mindset Shifts
We talk about how Paula celebrated her first alcohol-free anniversary—not just as an endpoint, but as the start of something new. She bought herself a cake, posted about her milestone for the first time on social media, and even got a tattoo with her sobriety date.
This time, her commitment feels different and deeper than any previous attempt. The mindset shift is real: it’s not about counting days, it’s about launching into a new life you’re proud of.
Navigating Big Moments Without Alcohol
Paula opens up about the anxiety and uncertainty she felt facing major life events—like her stepdaughter’s wedding—without alcohol. She never imagined she could enjoy such a big celebration sober, but by focusing on what truly matters (connection, presence, and joy), she found the experience more meaningful than she could have dreamed.
We talk about the fears so many of us have about weddings, travel, or summer events, and how getting through these “firsts” is possible when you focus on why you want to be present and what’s truly important.
“Self-love encompasses a lot of how I have grown since I stopped drinking. I don’t think I really, truly loved myself before now. That’s kind of crazy at 54, but it’s the truth, you know… The real truth of self-love and how proud you can be with no secrets, with no shame, with, you know, just being who you are fully and completely. That’s how I feel now. ”
— Paula Muller
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Lori: [00:00:00] Welcome to To 50 and Beyond. I am Lori Massicot. I am your host and I'm so happy that you are here today. If you're new to the podcast, hello. Welcome my friend, and if you're returning back to the podcast, thank you so much for coming back.
This podcast is all about living alcohol free later in life, and I am so proud and honored to introduce you to my guest today. Sweet. Paula is here and she is talking about learning to love yourself. After alcohol, and we're gonna talk about the difference of what self-love is and the difference before alcohol and after alcohol.
And I know that this is a conversation that I. Maybe we don't talk enough about here for sure. And I'm so happy that when I reached out to Paula, and Paula is part of my community team, alcohol free, and I had asked her to be on the podcast and I asked her what topic she would like to talk about and she said, self love.
I'm like, Hmm. I think I did one podcast episode [00:01:00] on the topic of self-love probably three years ago. So I'm excited for this. Welcome, Paula.
Paula: Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
Lori: Yay. Let, well, let's start out, I want you to give us a short bio. Introduce yourself to the listeners.
Paula: Okay. Well, I'm Paula Mueller.
I am. I live in Connecticut. I am 54 tomorrow, so it's my birthday. And I guess, what's the, oh, well, I'm Canadian originally. So, you know, I moved here in my twenties and I have three children. I have a stepdaughter who just got married and two teenage boys, one's graduating from high school. A lot of exciting things going on right now.
How long have you been married? Married 21 years next month. Wow. You just shared a picture [00:02:00] from your stepdaughter's wedding and you and your handsome husband, and I'm like, wow. What A couple. Thank you. Very nice looking couple. Yeah, thank you. That was a big celebration for you.
That was huge. You know, I'm very close to my stepdaughter. I met her when she was five. And we have a great relationship, so, and I was very involved in the wedding and I'm friends with her mom and it was just a wonderful thing. So, yeah. But it was, it was a big deal especially thinking about not drinking.
Because when this, when she got engaged a year over a year ago, I was still drinking. And I don't think I could have imagined enjoying her wedding and especially as much as I did last weekend, being alcohol free.
Lori: Yeah, I wanna talk more about your alcohol free story as [00:03:00] well in this episode. I remember when I stopped drinking and Spence was 12, I thought, what am I gonna do at his wedding?
Yeah, that is a big one. I know that's something that we all, you know, we all have those fears. What are, what are we gonna do when we travel or go to a wedding or summer, which we're coming up on summer, right? Or we're in, once you're listening to this episode we gotta do it the first time. And get through it.
So what would you tell yourself last year at that time when you couldn't even think about going to a wedding and enjoying yourself after this past weekend?
Paula: Yeah, what would I have told myself a year, like over a year ago? I would've probably said, you know, I. Focus on what's really important, you know, focus on why why you wanna be there and what the reason is, and your stepdaughter and enjoying the moment, and being in the moment.
You know, in terms of like the food and the [00:04:00] dancing and the, you know, the ambiance and everything. Like that's what it's about, you know, and really nothing to do with drinking.
Lori: Yeah. Absolutely.
Paula: Can you talk a little bit about
Lori: school
Paula: and your work? Yeah, my, my master's, I'm doing my master's, I'm almost done in clinical mental health counseling.
I've been doing at it for a few years. I've probably maxed out the time you can do it, but that's okay. No rush. And it's something I think I've always wanted to do and I turned 50 and was like, you know what, if not now, when? And I've been really, involved with it and really into the program.
And I'm very, very excited. And I think, you know, when I started the program, I was still drinking and I stopped last year. [00:05:00] But it's interesting, like I have embraced the program and what I'm doing and where I'm going with it and my future with it so much more since I've stopped drinking and I feel like.
I could do anything, like I feel like so much more motivated and excited about it. Yeah.
Lori: I love that. I can't wait to hear more about it and watch you complete your program because I know you've been working hard at it. And congratulations on all of it, and we'll get more into your sobriety date and what led you there in this episode.
First, my number one question for you, my friend, what led you to this topic of self-love? Why'd you choose it? Yeah, when,
Paula: yeah. You asked me at if I had a topic and I thought about it and it came to me because I think self-love encompasses a lot of [00:06:00] what I have, grow, how I have grown since I stopped drinking.
I don't think I really, truly loved myself before now. That's kind of crazy at 54, but it's the truth, you know, I think, I'm not saying the last 53 years were, you know, completely, I hated myself. But I think the real, you know, the real truth of self-love and how proud you can be with no secrets, with no shame, with, you know, just, just being who you are fully and completely.
That's how I feel now.
Lori: I'm happy for you. So to put the timeline into perspective, when did you start drinking?
Paula: Yeah, so I started around 13. It was, I. Everyone was doing it. It [00:07:00] was something, I joined this summer club and kind of got in with the wrong crowd, so to speak, and you know, it just sort of took off from there.
It, and it be really became like just something that was a part of my life, like for years in my high school. And then college was, you know, definitely a party. And then in my twenties, and I think, yeah, if I look into, even into parenthood and getting married and all of that, it just, it's just been such a part of my life.
I never really separated it, you know, it's just been, it's been there all along. Yeah. I, I get that.
Lori: I totally get that. What date did you make the, the decision to stop drinking?
Paula: It was April 8th, 2024. So about almost 14 months ago, congratulations.
Lori: Gosh, it just seems like yesterday you celebrated the one [00:08:00] year.
It's, it's going fast friends. Can you talk about how you celebrated and also
Paula: I Yeah, absolutely. I I was so excited to get to a year and I think. I just really wanted to celebrate it in a way that like I was proud and you know, just, I don't know, like it wasn't just like, oh, this is a year, but like this is a year for the beginning of a long time for me, and that's how I looked at it.
I think. I didn't mention this, but in the past when I, I have stopped drinking for several times over the years, and there was a time when I had stopped for a year and I was just clamoring to get to that year, and then that was it. I had the year check. It's not like that this time. It's [00:09:00] more like I just, I wanna celebrate this milestone because it's kind of launching me into this new life that I've created.
And that's what I really wanted to celebrate. So I got myself a cake and you know, I I post it on social media on my. My personal page, which I've never done, and got the most likes and comments I've ever gotten and just really embraced it. And I do, I do have a tattoo with the date, but it's interesting, I got it about at about six months and I was going to get it when I got to a year, but I couldn't wait.
That's like, kind of, sort of shows who I am, but I, I have it on my wrist, 4 8 24, and I look at it. I look at it every day. I love it. Wow,
Lori: that's part of your, your support system, your reinforcement. It's [00:10:00] just that constant reminder, and it is so much more than the year mark and I, and I know, you know, especially because we talk about all in and being all in and committed.
I know at six months, like when you did that, I thought, well, that's, that's definitely one of those signs, you know definitely one of those signs, but. It's that shift in the mindset. It's not just an amount of days, honestly. It doesn't have anything to do with it. It's more of like, and I love the word launch, like launching into this next chapter, launching into this next phase of your life and getting to that point where you really celebrated yourself and got yourself a cake that said, yay me.
Paula: I did. Yay me. I love it. 'cause you, I love it. 'cause you say that and I just think it so encompasses everything like, yay me.
Lori: And it really, it goes with our theme that's loving yourself. That's like gifting yourself something. Oh my gosh. The gift of sobriety. Okay, I'm gonna get corny. But it is, it's just something that we [00:11:00] give ourselves.
And when you get to that moment, it may not feel like that in the beginning, but it's like you get to that moment and you start having those clickworthy moments, like we talk about like it's something is clicking. It's different now. And especially for those who have done this before, like you had a year before, like you know that, but it's like.
This time is different. I remember you saying that. And so it's just focusing on that and, and really, really celebrating all of the work that it takes, especially in that first year and continuing on with it. So I am really proud of you, and when you did tell me this topic, I printed out the, the one quote that I thought of, and I, I think this is an anonymous quote.
The goal isn't to be sober. The goal is to love yourself so much that you don't need to drink.
Paula: Mm,
Lori: yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How do you feel about that
Paula: quote? I, I mean, it's just so true. It's so true because, you know, sobriety, [00:12:00] everyone always says, you know, you get sober and then the real work begins. And I think in the beginning when you first stopped drinking, well, for me I'll speak, but it was just about stopping drinking those first.
You know, a few weeks, months, it's, I'm not really, I wasn't really thinking about self-love or any of that. I was just like getting through the day and knowing and trusting that it will get better and better means. I guess now that I'm looking back better is, is you know, more self love. And I, I have created a life, like now when I go places or I'm around drinking and even at the wedding, like I've created a life that I love so much that I don't want to, to.
Ruin it or end it or anything like that. Like I really want, and I know it's because [00:13:00] I stopped drinking a hundred percent.
Lori: Yeah. I know that as well for me. And I know there are some women out there and some listeners, and you're not alone. If you're feeling like, you know, I've been at this for a while and I'm not, I'm not finding that yet.
And what would you say to somebody who's listening and like feeling, because you know what, also too, and this not going to completely off the topic, but you know, you hear that like. The glow up. Like, and I had one client say to me once, you know, I'm not feeling the glow up. And you know, recognizing that in ourselves and, and maybe checking in with ourselves too and asking, well, am I doing the work and what else do I need to focus on and not focus on?
But what would you say to somebody who's saying, you know, I have been at this a long time and I'm not really feeling this life that I love so much, or
Paula: I think. It's happens for all of us at different times. We're all on our own journeys. Right? And I think that someone who [00:14:00] is struggling with that, I think you need look more at journaling and, and really looking inward because, you just have to first trust other people. And I listen to a lot of podcasts and read a lot of books in the beginning, and really, you know, it's blind faith, honestly. Mm-hmm. But if you can do that, then it slowly starts to happen. But it's like, it's like. Forward and backwards. It's not a straight line either.
I still stump sometimes am blindsided by, oh my God, like, I can't believe I'm thinking about a drink right now. And then I have to process it and go back. But the difference now is that when I do that, or when those things happen to me, I can process it a lot quicker and I can get back to kind of.
My baseline a little faster [00:15:00] than when in the beginning when those things would just, it was just so like in my face all the time. I don't know if that. Answers your question. Definitely. And I think that's a natural practice of self-love that we're not even aware of until we're talking about something like this today.
Lori: And like I told you when we started, you know, you're talking to one person and you're gonna help one person out there and like that blind faith and trusting. In other people's stories. That's why podcasts now are so powerful being open and willing for that. Because I know when a lot of people hear the term self love, you know, just like self care.
It's like, oh, that's trendy. That's not something that I've ever done. I didn't know. Anything about it when I was 45 and quit drinking self-care, self-love, any of it. Like, that's not for me, that's for other people. Right. But just the, the, the natural progression of letting go of something that you are no longer aligned to and, and finding your way without something that you really relied on.
[00:16:00] Alcohol. I think it's, it opens the doors to so much more and the practices come into play and, and again, they're more natural, but just that, just being open and willing to trust the process and give yourself this gift because, it's so worth it. And when I think of self-love, I think of like how I love other people and turning that to myself.
Did you feel like you had a relationship with alcohol? Like we talk about like a relationship, like mine was the My ride or die. Oh, yeah, I had a definite relationship with alcohol because I, I did a lot of drinking alone.
Paula: So that to me makes that a relationship right there. Because, you know, being bored or being down or being happy or all these things, if I was alone doing it, it's almost like I had company. It's kind of a weird thing, but you know, I didn't [00:17:00] have to be by myself like, oh, I have this whole evening alone and my kids are out, and my husband's away or something, and like, oh, I'm gonna have a bottle of wine.
And like that just seemed to like make it all better at the time. Like it made it seem like that was something to do. That was my activity for the night. It was definitely a not very good. Now, like looking back friend.
Lori: Yeah. And you know, we feel that comfort and it is, you know, something that we've talked about inside our community and definitely, I think I just said it this morning, but like an activity and a way to care for ourselves and, and that's what we think it is.
Until one day we realize, you know, this isn't me caring anymore, I. For, for myself. You wrote in this beautiful I'm gonna call it an article because when I talked to you about, you know, the topic of self-love and I said, okay, great, I'll get some questions together. You know, I got really curious. You know me, I get excited and I'm like, oh, this [00:18:00] is great.
And then you sent me two pages of notes where you said this morning you sat down and wrote about it and just so beautiful, and you wrote. Just by its very nature, alcohol doesn't allow you to tap into the elements of yourself that form self-love because from the very first sip , you are taken out of yourself.
Yeah. The very first sip. Yeah. Where did your focus go?
Paula: I mean, I think what, when I think about the very first sip and I think about what I said, it's that, you know, I would think about that sip all day. I would think about, you know, just relaxing and, and just sitting down. And that would all have to do with that first sip and checking out, you know, that was my, like, I deserved that.
Like I deserved to sit down, check out. [00:19:00] It was all through having a sip. And then obviously for me it was never a sip or never a glass, you know, sometimes never a bottle. So the sip just signif signifies to me where it leads. For me it leads not in a good place, yeah,
Lori: I get that the focus goes to the next step.
The next glass, the next bottle, and then at the end of the night, it was always a let down and a disappointment. It's, it's done. It's over this really nice caring practice that I was doing for myself. let me ask you this.
As you mentioned, the first step glass, sometimes not even a bottle, right? When you were leading up to your sobriety date, what did your drinking look like at that point? Do you mind sharing?
Paula: No, not at all. You know, my drinking was pretty much [00:20:00] consistent throughout I'd say at least the last 10 years. So it wasn't like.
It was increasing, increasing, increasing, and got to this point where it was just, I couldn't, you know, do it anymore. It was internally where I got to that point, but the drinking amount didn't change. So I was always consistently drinking you know, a, a bottle a night for, for quite a while. I basically was getting increasingly tired, and when I say that, like, I mean mentally tired of the games of like the, when am I gonna drink? Am I not gonna drink? Should I drink, should I not drink? How many should I drink? Or, you know, the whole game all day long.
And then the morning after saying. I'm not gonna drink tonight, or I can't believe I did that. And you know, why did I drink a bottle? Like I was just watching TV all by myself. This is crazy. You know, all that [00:21:00] self-talk was just eating away at me. Like it was just wearing on me. It was so constant, and I think that.
The day I stopped, well, I could tell you the, the, the early morning hours of the day I stopped. I was at a hotel in Florida and the fire alarm went off and it was around two, three in the morning and we had to go downstairs and stand outside. And I was brutally hung over. I had a headache, I had makeup down my face, you know, because I hadn't washed my face and all the things.
And, I had time. I had no phone on me, I had no distractions. I was just standing outside the hotel thinking, this is nuts. Not the fire alarm, not what's happening. This is nuts, what I'm doing to myself. And I sat there and I thought about it and I [00:22:00] really kind of, I don't, it wasn't like a light bulb went off or anything like that, but I just was like, I can't do this anymore.
I just cannot do this anymore. I.
Lori: Did it have something to do with being around other people and them seeing you that way, even though probably nobody was looking at you, did that have anything to do with it? Because I know you've shared this story and I love the story and I totally like put myself in that place of being vulnerable and like almost like, oh, what the heck is going on?
Where am I if I woke up in the middle of the night like that after drinking? Did that play a role in it?
Paula: Yeah, like what other people thought. I mean, I, I kind of almost had like, looked at myself from someone else, from someone else's point of view at that moment because it was like I was seeing myself how others, maybe, like you said, they're not really paying attention, but how have I thought others, [00:23:00] other people saw me, like, who is this woman, like this middle aged woman, you know?
Hungover with her kid, you know, just like looking a mess and what, what is she really doing with her life? Like that's what I was like imagining people would be saying about me. Yeah.
Lori: I know when I was waking up in the middle of the night, there was nobody around who was seeing me. I was judging myself. And I know there's listeners out there who are in that boat, and this is when we have to add a lot of love and a lot of compassion for ourselves and say, you're not the only one. You don't you.
You know, there's nothing wrong with you. It's just this relationship that we get so heavily involved in with alcohol, it's so hard to break up with. And in that moment too, alcohol comes in and. Allows yourself to feel the relief from whatever it is you're trying to either enhance or escape, [00:24:00] whatever it is.
And it makes you feel all nice and cozy and warm sometimes, and like you are loving yourself more and when you come out of it, you wake up in the middle of the night to a fire alarm and then you are like literally vulnerable bear in front of people, right? It's just, I, I could see that for myself where that would maybe shift a little bit for me and so that's why I was just curious.
If that had anything to do with that. Yeah, that's, you
Paula: know what, that's a really interesting perspective and I hadn't given it that much thought, but you're absolutely right. A hundred percent. Because the vulnerability was so like, palpable, you know? Like it was just so real at that moment. Like you said, it wasn't just me and myself, it was me standing outside in my pajamas, you know, looking like crap.
And with about, you know, 50 other people.
Lori: God bless you. I, I'm so happy that you made that choice for yourself, and I know it is hard to do, and that's why I say, if you're out there and you're listening to this [00:25:00] and you're in that place and you're feeling like that, know that you're not alone and give yourself a big hug.
Honestly. Yeah. So we've looked at your timeline and getting to this point, and this isn't to say that, like you said earlier, you know, it doesn't to say that I didn't love myself for 53 years. It's, there's a difference. And so talk about that because I know that you've talked about like the self-talk and the day after and getting to that point.
Did you notice. In that first six months, maybe after you stopped drinking, a difference in how you were talking to yourself and how you were treating yourself?
Paula: Yeah, absolutely. Because I don't like, it definitely wasn't like all of a sudden, you know, like I loved myself. It wasn't like that. It was more just the little things daily that I was doing, exercising, like I'm a big runner, so for example, you know.
I used to push myself and punish myself and running was [00:26:00] a way I did that. So, you know, if I was really hungover and I had, I was training for something, like I was getting out there and I was doing it regardless and feeling like awful doing it. And then when I stopped, you know, I realized like I was kind of, it took a while, but after a few months, you know, I'd be out on my runs like.
Wow, like I'm really enjoying this. Like this is just like, it's nice, like I'm outside. I'm not like, it's doesn't, didn't feel punishing anymore. It felt like self care and that was new to me.
Lori: So interesting. I think there's also a lot of women who think well. I can't care for myself and love myself. It's too late, right?
Like, I've never learned how to do this and there's no shame in that. I didn't know what it was at 45. I hadn't even really even heard the term at that point, you know? That's wonderful. And [00:27:00] the self-talk, did that start to change?
Paula: I think it changed, you know, in, in terms of like exercising and like even eating and, you know, enjoying food and, and feeling like, oh, I can like, you know, have this like.
Piece of cake and really enjoy it. Instead of like, oh my God, I like, I'm gonna, you know, I wanna save my calories, I wanna drink them later. Like, this is terrible. Like, you know, I shouldn't be eating this, like the constant. And instead I started to switch it to like, wait a minute. Like I can eat this. Like, or even a healthy meal, like it doesn't have to be cake.
I mean, having a beautiful salad and really enjoying the food and wow, like this tastes really good and. Never really appreciating the little things like that and like sleep, you know, appreciating going to bed and then waking. Only me waking up is just a beautiful thing now. [00:28:00] So, yeah. Yeah. I think all that self-talk was going, was changing as I was continuing on.
Lori: What do you value most about living alcohol free? Other than some things that you've already talked about? What are your values? Hmm. You know, I value well, I value family is, is something I value enormously. And I think what my alcohol free and sobriety has kind of trickled out or like, you know, blow out into my family and how my children have kind of responded and how I've been able to be there for them and be more reliable and more consistent and more stable and just, you know, not flying off the handle and being able to handle, [00:29:00] you know, problems as they come up and not like, oh my God, I need a drink right now.
Paula: Or, oh my, you know, like working through things and, and big things, you know, big things and little things. But being able to do it and I think that value, I value that stability and I value that sense of responsibility that I don't think I ever really valued before. Hmm.
Lori: You can't tell until you walk away from something you don't value anymore.
Even if you value it and you think you value it, you know that it's not doing any good for you. It's not a positive habit or action that you have in your life and to move away from it. Do you find that you were able to give yourself that different perspective?
Paula: Oh yeah. I mean, it's true when you're in it.
Your mind [00:30:00] just plays so many tricks on you and you can justify just about anything. And you know, you get really good at that over time and, and denying things and not wanting to look at things. And then, you know, obviously alcohol helps to do all that. Like to push it down and when that's removed yeah, I think you really get a chance to.
To look at what you value and to look at what's important and go, wow. Like, I don't even know that about myself. Like, you know, I didn't know. I, I used to think, oh my god, stability, consistency, reliability, all those words, so boring. Like, oh my God, who wants to be that? Like, I'm gonna be carefree and fun and exciting.
You know what? I love being stable and reliable now, like those matter to me, and I think they did before, but I think now I'm [00:31:00] realizing it.
Lori: Yeah, you definitely get a different perspective and that's why I always say, you know, you gotta, you gotta really step away from it until you can see the other side of it.
'cause it's really hard and we wanna have everything figured out and all the answers before we stop drinking. And I'm just going to say, I think it's next to impossible to, to try to do that. So stepping out of it, and I know I watched you you know. During your first year and you always come to the meetings, you're always so supportive and encouraging and sharing and being open, and I've really watched you just transition into this more confident you, you're definitely, I feel enjoying it more than you were in the beginning, and that's part of that process. And like you had said, you know, learning to trust in other people's stories and learning to trust really the process of it. You have given that glimmer of hope to women who are out there today who may not be there yet.
And so I, I wanna congratulate you on that. We're not [00:32:00] done yet, but I wanna congratulate you on that. And so much of what we talk about and what I believe in is building that relationship with yourself. So once you step away from the relationship with alcohol, that friend, lover, ride or die, however you describe it, then you step into this relationship with yourself and like you said, you know, finding out more things about yourself.
How do you describe your relationship with yourself today?
Paula: Well, I think now, you know, today I definitely feel more confident and I love that you said that you can see that because I, I do feel like when I, when I make decisions now I. I'm just more sure about them. Like I don't have just the constant self-doubt. Like I would still make decisions. And I'm not saying I don't ever have that.
Of course I do. You know for example, I have a, a very rocky relationship with my father and, you know, it's been difficult over the years [00:33:00] setting boundaries and I've waffled back and forth and recently, you know, I set a boundary, I didn't want him to come visit at a certain time because we had things going on and we're busy.
You know, it wasn't anything terrible, but I, I was just so like, yes, that's, that's what I need. That's what I wanna do. And I did it. And I don't, I think that would've taken me down in the past. Like, I would've been like, oh my God, I'm such a terrible person. Am I doing the right thing? Like, how's this gonna make feel?
Or how am I, you know. There was none of that. It was just, you know what this is, this feels right and this is right and this is what I need to do.
Lori: I love that. It's freedom. Mm-hmm. It totally, freedom is freedom. . I'm really happy for you.
Can you think of something else you wanna share?
Paula: Well, I was just thinking, you know, I, I think I. I don't wanna make, you know, I want people who are [00:34:00] listening to, especially if you're really early on, you know, I think it's, it's kind of you don't get to a place where, well, I didn't, I don't get, I don't believe you get to a place where, you know, okay, now I love myself and that's great and everything's great.
You know, it's, I definitely doubt myself. I definitely have moments, especially like, you know, in the dark of night when you're lying there and everything comes to your head, you know, where I, I have those thoughts but I'm just, I'm able to manage them and I'm able to think through things. Like, for example, you know, if I'm lying in bed and I'm thinking of something, oh my God, I'm worrying about this, that, and the other thing, I'll.
Well, do I, you know, do I need to worry about this right now? Like, is this something that I would worry about if I was, it was daytime and I was up and, you know, and I could go, no, you know, it [00:35:00] wasn't, whereas before I would just ruminate and worry and worry and it would just never end. And, you know, it would get me in such a state and I don't get to that state anymore.
And I think that's the difference. So it's not like it, it's not there. It's just that you can manage it.
Lori: I'm gonna retitle this episode, loving Yourself More, more, right? Because that's the difference. And when you're looking at like, well, how do I practice self-love? First of all, I'm going to link that book that I just talked about on our meeting this morning Self-Love workbook for women.
I interviewed Meghan Logan, who's the writer of that. Years ago. It's such a wonderful book because when you're looking at a benchmark of self-love and like what you just shared, it's not like I've got to this like point, like I'm done. Same with sobriety. We don't get done. We have to keep it going. And what I'm getting from you [00:36:00] in recapping this episode is that self-love and talking to yourself more kindly, giving yourself a break is helping you stay alcohol free.
Am I right or am I wrong? Yes,
Paula: you are a hundred percent right. Mm-hmm. It's just, it's so powerful when you can talk to yourself and turn something around that's, that you're, you know, that you're ruminating on, or that's really negative, and turn it around into something that's either positive or motivating or that you know you wanna change and then you go out and do it.
And, and you take action. And that's just like, I mean, that's just so powerful to be able to do that.
Lori: It is because like with so many other things in life, we've got that imposter syndrome that comes in. Like you're not that type of person. You, whatever it is, whatever that story is for me is like you're not a positive person.[00:37:00]
You don't talk to yourself kindly. That's not what you do, and then you start doing it. It's like, who am I? I mean, I've said that so often to myself, who am I? You know? And definitely I will say a hundred percent I. I am who I am because I stopped drinking. That's it. I don't believe that it changes or fixes every, everybody's life.
I don't believe, like you said, the moment you stop drinking, everything changes. You love yourself more. You talk kindly to yourself more. You start exercising more, like whatever it is, this all happens in time. But why not do that if the other side of it when you're drinking is negative and you've got that low vibe?
Because that's what alcohol does. It drowns us out and it makes us not be able to see our capabilities and who we are as women, especially in the middle of life and beyond, and all we have to bring to the table. So you're removing that filter and you're seeing yourself just like you were that that morning when you went out and the fire alarm.
Raw and vulnerable and [00:38:00] as you are human and you're learning how to accept that part of you, I think it's so powerful.
Paula: Yeah. It, it really is. And when you, when you mention that about the fire alarm again, and if I like, let's just say today, exact same scenario. I was woken up in, you know, early morning hours down in the fire alarm, you know, blah, blah, blah, the way I, and I'm sober.
I mean, that, that would, that's just night and day in my mind. You know, being able to be present and be there and like, okay, you know, it's a fire alarm. They're gonna, you know, being like aware and conscious of like what's happening and not just so. I don't know, consumed with like self, like with shame and self-doubt and self-hatred.
Like it, it just, it just wouldn't come up now. That wouldn't come up.
Lori: Yeah. [00:39:00] It's interesting because you've shared that story before and then you shared with me, we sat down and you shared your story inside the community, and I've heard it several times, but just hearing you today and getting that visual.
Because we're so used to hiding the things that we're shameful about and only we know. And I think too, once you start really loving yourself, it's like, yes, I am the only one that knows that's the most important person. Yeah. Yep, absolutely. I want self-love for everybody and it is a practice, so give yourself time and open up.
And the reason why I mentioned that workbook again, and I'm gonna put it like I said in the show notes, it's a very simple thing to do. And we just did something called alphabet soup where we spelled out our names with really positive, loving kind words. And that was a struggle for some of us.
I'm like, I've got four letters here. CH Google.
Paula: What?
Lori: What is it? Yeah. Can't even remember what I wrote,
Paula: but I mean, yeah, I loved [00:40:00] that exercise. So I took my name, I can't remember exactly, but Paula and I took each letter and you know, it's funny, the one that I kind of laugh at was L and I put laser focused.
I like that. And the reason I put that was because, you know, the focus I have now. Does feel laser focused. Like I don't, didn't have this kind of focus before, like whether I'm doing schoolwork or whether I'm with friends or whatever I'm focusing on, like I, I am all like in, you know, if, if, if I'm not, like, obviously I can be tired and distracted, da da da, but like overall I am so much more focused.
Yeah. So that's where the laser focus came up. I
Lori: like that. No, that was a fun exercise. And it's that word more like I said, I'm gonna add it to the title because that's how you can look back and go, yes, I am more friendly to [00:41:00] myself, I'm more loving to myself. But we need these reminders and let this episode be the reminder to you to check in with yourself.
'cause we're not saying that you don't already love yourself, but if you need more love. Let's start being more kind to ourselves. I think that's the ultimate message from this Wonderful, a wonderful episode. I'm curious, what are you looking forward to in the second year of sobriety? Well, I am just. I love that.
Paula: I'm well, I love my birthday, I love birthdays, so tomorrow's my birthday. And I'll be 54. So I kind of look at it too, like what am I looking forward to in my 54th year, as well as my second year mm-hmm. In, in sobriety and I. So much, like, so much. I'm looking forward to my son, my senior, going off to college and taking him to college and being there and feeling all the feels and going through that process [00:42:00] with him and, you know, then my junior is gonna be a senior next year, and then going through that with him and just, I don't know, like I feel like I'm really there for them.
I'm really watching them go through some really amazing life experiences and it's just really cool. I would be wrought with worry and emotion and concern and all those things would, would probably take over if I was drinking through all this because. There's a lot you can worry about.
Let's face it. You know, especially when it comes to your kids. But I'm balancing it, like I can balance it more, you know, and just, like I said, be so present and I'm really looking forward to just how their lives are gonna unfold and watching them.
Lori: Like what you were saying with the wedding, like [00:43:00] last year at this time even, you wouldn't have been in that place where you were like as feeling as positive as you were.
And even though there may have been some challenges that's okay. But we can see more of the positive side of it, more of the positive side in sitting with the hard stuff and the things that we used to say, oh my gosh, I need a drink. I need a drink to handle this like new. You need to be present and remember it, and I know that's an important time of life for your sons and that's going to be really special for you.
So I'm really glad that you mentioned that. Thank you. I'm glad I get to meet you in September too 'cause we're doing Park City together, a little getaway for our community and I'm just thinking like we only have a few months so that's gonna be amazing to be able to give you a hug and thank you in person for being so supportive and wonderful.
Let me see, what do I wanna end this with? Send some summer love. To our listeners today because we know that it is a difficult time this season. Give [00:44:00] them the encouragement that they need and the reminder that they need to really do life without alcohol this summer.
Paula: Yeah, I mean, I think summer is a very tricky time for a lot of us who well, you know, wanting to drink.
I can share something that yesterday I spent the day. Cleaning out my, we have a beautiful screened in porch that we finished, got built and finished last year. And when I began getting it built and it was being worked on, I was still drinking. And I remember all the time I was like, I can't wait to have a drink out there and sit out there with my wine.
And it was all about drinking, having parties and. Just to show how far I've, I've come, like, you know, yesterday I was cleaning it out and I was dec not decorating it, but putting plants and this and that and just setting it up and never occurred to me. You know, it never occurred to me to sit down like that.
I wanted to sit down and have a drink. It was like, [00:45:00] I just wanna sit out here and enjoy the sun and listen to the birds and, you know, all that, that a screened in porch gives you. I was just so appreciative of, and. How much that has changed, you know, in a year. I guess I would say like it does change.
Like, you know, I was worried that I was never gonna be able to be out on that porch and not drink. And I love it. I love being out there. I absolutely love it.
Lori: You can make your porch and your patio alcohol free, friendly. And I'm gonna lead into this and then we're gonna wrap it up. Share your favorite drink, because I know you have turned so many women onto your favorite na beverage.
And this is for those of you who can have like a faux, faux alcoholic drink. And enjoy it. Tell us what it's, yeah.
Paula: It's mito, I'll link it. And it's sparkling. Yep. It's [00:46:00] Prosecco and sparkling Prosecco. And it's alcohol removed. And if you look at it on the shelf, like it looks like the real thing, except it has a blue label on it that says alcohol removed.
And I actually started to drink that right away. For me it was something that. gave me a little ritual in the evening. I put it in my wine glass and you know, it gave me some kind of like special end of the day reward. Now, at first it didn't feel that way, but it, you know, I. It did begin to feel that way pretty quickly.
I look forward to it. I enjoy it. It's refreshing. But I, I understand it, you know, like you said, it's not for everyone. And not everyone enjoys like some, you know, seltzer and all those things are, are great too, and I drink that a lot too, so,
Lori: yeah. I like that about [00:47:00] you. There is an alcohol version of that same so the blue banner, I just learned that in a meeting because I said maybe you guys are getting me to wanna try this. 'cause I haven't had any kind of foe alcohol since I stopped drinking. 'cause I realized that it was just not good for me. But like, you guys are getting me to, to wanna try this
and then somebody had said, well, make sure you don't get the. The one with the alcohol in it. I didn't even know that there was one. So you know, I steer clear from the alcohol aisles or any of those aisles, so it's good to know.
Paula: Well it was interesting 'cause at the wedding last weekend
they got me that mito and they put it at all the bars. There was like four bars. Love it. So no matter where I went, I could ask for it, but I always had to check, you know, like, like you have to be careful, especially in situations like that, where obviously there's a lot of alcohol, but they got to know me and they [00:48:00] knew and.
You know I love that.
Lori: Yes, you're spreading your alcohol free vibe out into the world, and I just thank you so much, Paula, for being here. I wanna thank you all for listening, and I am going to send you out with a kind, loving message. That you are worthy of more self-love. And if you're not in that place today, go out and take a walk with yourself.
Get some fresh air. That's what I'm gonna do after this podcast. And stay kind things to yourself. Anything that you would say to a friend, 'cause you deserve that. I'm gonna link our community. The show notes, team alcohol free. It's such a wonderful place for midlife women to come in and get support, and especially now as we are in the summer months.
I will be back next week with a brand new episode. Take care of yourselves this week. Peace.
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
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