Navigating the Question: Why Aren’t You Drinking?
The fear of answering why aren’t you drinking? is real.
You are not alone if you avoid going places or being around people who are questioning your choice (and right) not to drink alcohol. You’re not avoiding these things, you’re protecting yourself.
I feared the question Why Aren’t You Drinking after I quit drinking.
I would rehearse how I felt, and what I would say and wouldn’t say to nauseam.
I’ve talked about my choice to protect myself in that first year of sobriety and not be in places or around people where this question would be asked much, but even at 11 years sober, it comes up with new people. Not that long ago, someone responded to me not drinking by saying, my brother is an alcoholic. Sigh….
The reason that I protected myself and stayed home as much as possible was because I wasn’t sure what I was doing about my drinking. I knew that I didn’t want to drink, but was it forever - what would I say if someone asked me if it was forever?
I was vulnerable as most of us are no matter how long we’ve been drinkers. If you’re known to have had a drink in the past around people, at holidays, or events, when you don’t drink you may hear the question, why aren’t you drinking?
In this episode, we explore how to navigate this often-challenging question. Here are some key points to help you handle this situation with confidence:
Recognize and validate your fear or discomfort about being asked this question.
Stay focused on your reasons for not drinking. Your why-power is stronger than any awkwardness you might feel.
Before attending an event, consider if it aligns with your values and if you truly want to go.
Practice your response: Prepare a simple, honest answer that feels comfortable for you.
One option as a response is: "I'm taking a break."
Set boundaries: If someone pushes the issue, it's okay to change the subject or walk away.
Communicate with close friends/family: Let supportive people know about your choice beforehand.
Stay true to yourself: Remember, your choice not to drink matters most. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
At the end of the day, your why-power matters, you matter, and your choice to keep why you’re not drinking to yourself matters. You matter most.
Everyone is going to be okay if you’re not drinking.
No one knows how you feel about your drinking - your worries or concerns.
No one is worth drinking to appease.
I hope that you get a positive response when you’re out and about and sharing that you’re not drinking.
You may be surprised at what you’ll hear. Women who share with their girlfriends are finding out that their friends either have cut back or don’t drink or are feeling the same way they did about their drinking.
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The question I feared in early sobriety, and even beyond that, why aren't you drinking, or other variations, do you want to drink, what are you drinking, and then if I said I wasn't drinking, the follow up questions, is something wrong, are you okay, Why can't you have just one?
And then one of my favorites is, are you drinking yet? Did you change your mind? Are you drinking yet? I spend a lot of time worried about what I would say and how people would respond. It's a real concern for most women. So today I want to share some thoughts and ideas to help you navigate. This question.
Why aren't you drinking? Hey there, I am Lori. I am so happy that you are here today.
250 and Beyond is where we talk about living alcohol free later in life. I started drinking at 14 and chose to stop drinking when I was 45 on August 11, 2013. I know how challenging it is in those beginning years, and I will never forget it. I am here to support you wherever you are [00:01:00] on this road to alcohol freedom.
And I want to thank you so much for listening today. I'm the Midlife Sobriety Coach and Founder of Team Alcohol Free, which is an online community for women 35 and over. I have been running groups since 2018, and I know for a fact that community and having women in your life who are doing the damn thing is so helpful and it is always something that I wish I would have had back when I stopped drinking.
Team Alcohol Free is closing 2024 enrollment on November 15th, only a couple of days from the date this episode airs. If you're tired of going it alone, if you feel that having a coach and other women who are of a certain age around you for inspiration and support, I want to invite you to go and check it out.
The link will be in the show notes. There are so many things coming in December and into January I've got some new stuff coming up. I don't want to talk about it yet because I haven't shared this with the community everything is going to start [00:02:00] rolling out on November 18th. So if you want to come in and get in on the know what's happening in 2025, our theme, which I'm really excited about, and the new things that I'm adding, you can get in on the 2024 enrollment. And be in there for the new year and I'm going to open it back up again, January 6th.
Go and check it out in the show notes or you can visit lauriemassacott. com. Let's start on the topic, navigating why aren't you drinking? This question, if you're with me and you have this fear, I'm just giving you a big hug. I know that this is real. And not only did I fear Why aren't you drinking?
Lori: Those three words, I feared saying three words that will really empower and free you after you give up alcohol. And those words are, I don't drink. I've talked about my choice to protect myself in that first year of sobriety and not be in places or around people where this question would be asked much.
But even at 11 years sober, it comes up with new people. Not that long ago, someone responded to [00:03:00] me saying I don't drink by saying, My brother is an alcoholic, okay? The reason that I protected myself and stayed home as much as possible was because I wasn't sure what I was doing about my drinking back then.
I knew that I didn't want to drink, but was it forever? What would I say if someone asked me if it was forever? I was very vulnerable, as most of us are, no matter how long we've been drinkers. If you're known to have had a drink in the past around people at holidays or events, you're the hostess with the mostest.
When you don't drink, you may hear the question, Why aren't you drinking? Saying I don't drink meant that it was out there. Everyone would know, and if I changed my mind, then they would know that I really didn't mean it. What does that mean? I'm thinking like I'm flaky. I always say things that I'm going to do and then I don't do them.
I failed all of those things. And if I said it, I was saying forever to me. And I wasn't there when I stopped drinking. I couldn't imagine [00:04:00] my life Without drinking alcohol and I couldn't imagine it with drinking alcohol. So the first couple of years I was really figuring it out I talked about the fact that I went all in on not drinking.
That was it I took it off the table because for two years I had gone back and forth I was trying to do the moderation game placing a lot of drinking rules on myself Only drink red, not white, not the things that you like, just learn how to enjoy the things that you don't like. So you can keep alcohol in your life.
I had a real relationship, as they say, with alcohol, and it was very scary for me to imagine my life with it. And without it. And when I say I went all in on not drinking, I did, but that didn't mean I was all in on being confident and not drinking. That comes with time. And this topic of all in, this is something that we are going to be exploring in December in Team Alcohol Free because I feel like we've got to talk about it more.
And I know I will have a podcast episode [00:05:00] coming out about that either at the end of December or in January. There was a real identity crisis for me, going from being the party girl, the hostess, the one who gets everybody together and plans everything to being a non drinker.
That was real for me, but it didn't have anything to do with anybody else. It was all me. I felt awkward and like I lost a part of me when I was without a drink in my hand. Like I left something at home. You know, you walk outside and you think, I feel like I'm forgetting something. And I do that more and more as I've gotten older.
I feel like, what was I forgetting? Oh yeah, I don't have an alcoholic beverage in my hand. And a lot of times, The party girl had two, both hands, had something in it. Being fearful and unsure of this question how to answer it is all part of the process of staying alcohol free You're going to get through any awkwardness by not drinking.
I know this about you I didn't want to stand out my entire life. I still don't. [00:06:00] I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be questioned in front of people. I don't want the spotlight to be on me. It's a real fear of mine. And so, Fitting in by drinking alcohol was something that I did for a very long time.
It's not silly to fear this question. Nothing about going alcohol free is silly. It's serious, and it's personal, and you deserve to protect yourself and your choice. At 7 days sober, or 4, 107 days, which I just googled, And that's how many days it's been since I stopped drinking. It's a lot of days, right?
I'm still protecting my choice. I'm still, maybe a little awkward if somebody asks me, and I, they don't know me, and that question comes up. The response that I talked about in the beginning. My brother's an alcoholic. Because I said, I don't drink. That was the response, and I've heard so many different responses from women that I've worked with over the years, I remember one response from this really sweet Cali, just loved her so much.
She said that she told her friend, and her [00:07:00] friend said, I feel sorry for you. Huh? Okay. In 2024, going into 2025, where we are today, choosing to live an alcohol free lifestyle, It's out there in the world. It's on the news. It's in publications. It's on social media. So many people are doing it for health reasons because they've gotten older and alcohol doesn't hit the same way it used to and for many, many, many, many midlife women, it does not add any stinking value to their lives and they are fed up by continuing to do the same shit in their next chapter of life.
And for many, many, many, many, many, many, many people. in the world. You're struggling to give up alcohol because they are addicted to it physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It is such a trip to think about alcohol. It's a toxic substance, yet it truly is the only one you feel you have to explain not using, and that people ask you about, which is also a trip. Ask me something better. What are my hopes and dreams? [00:08:00] Or, what do I do for fun? Or, what are you reading? Or, what's your favorite color?
Or, what music do you like to listen to? Or, what are your greatest fears in life? Or where do you want to travel to next? I mean, there could be 1 million questions. I could probably come up with 1 million questions. It might take me for the rest of my life, but there are 1 million better questions to ask than, why aren't you drinking?
And then to follow it up with a response like I feel sorry for you or hmm, there must be a problem because you are choosing to not drink a toxic substance. Kind of have better conversations. Let's promise ourselves that, because we're in charge of ourselves. We cannot control anybody else's questions or how they respond to anything else.
We can only be in charge of how we navigate it. And it's hard in the beginning, and it does feel awkward, and it could come up later on in life, but you always have to stay true to what you want more than alcohol. Going alcohol free is an option for everyone, though lots of people in this world still [00:09:00] believe in that idea, if you don't drink.
It means you have a problem, and what we make that mean is that we are a problem. I just had the honor of hosting a Q& A inside of the Uncovery app, which is my friend Lindsay Sutherland Bowles alcohol free community, this beautiful app that she built I'm going to link it in the show notes, because if you're listening to this podcast, you're going to want to check out this app, and she does offer a seven day free trial. It's incredible what she has created It's so beautiful She has so many things going on in there and if you get in you will see this Q& A that I'm talking about we were talking about something and I'm paraphrasing this a little bit We were talking about something And it came up with I believe Lindsay was saying like in response to, did you have a problem when somebody asks you that she said, no, I have a solution
you are the solution. Always, always. And just side note, Lindsay is going to be on the podcast in December. We're getting ready to record another episode because she's been on once next week [00:10:00] we're going to be recording.
You're here because you know about living alcohol free. You're growing. You're evolving. You're having a difficult time unlearning everything you know about alcohol because it is so out there and yourself while drinking. You're coming up with a better solution for yourself because you know this relationship you've created with alcohol and you know what it's doing.
You know what you don't like about it anymore. You knowing is you growing. And doing something different. And we are all on this road to alcohol freedom. Some of us take decades to get to the other side of it. Just know, if you're not to that point of giving up alcohol for good, you're on your way.
Because you can unlearn it. And I want to congratulate you, you're a badass. For those who haven't caught on and are still under the impression that a beautiful, intelligent, badass woman who is choosing not to drink alcohol means she is a problem drinker, those folks will learn each and every time you say, I don't [00:11:00] drink, they're going to catch on.
It's a lot of people don't know about it. It's nobody's fault. A lot of people don't know about it in our generation. A lot of people don't know about podcasts. It's a thing. Acceptance of who I am as a sober woman and that confidence in being a sober woman didn't come for a couple of years after I quit drinking.
I wasn't around other women. who weren't drinking. I'm not saying that everybody around me was drinking heavily or anything like that. It's just I didn't have that alcohol free inspiration. I didn't have a team like Team Alcohol Free in my life. And so for me, it was very scary. And I did feel like I was the only one and I didn't want to be left out.
I felt like there was something wrong with me and And that I was going to be on the outside looking in and I did feel like that for a very long time and it wasn't until 2015 when I got on Instagram with the anonymous account 250 and beyond to start talking about exercise and a whole 30 eating plan that I was starting [00:12:00] is when I realized that People were talking about sobriety.
It wasn't what I thought it was because when I quit drinking, it was something that you don't talk about. You just don't talk about. And people were talking about it on Instagram. So, two years into my sobriety, I found freedom. Being more of myself. I was finding it by myself, but it just wasn't as enjoyable and I do believe that when you're around other people who are doing it, whether they're in your life or not, you feel more confident in your choice.
You feel less alone for sure. And you know that you're not an outcast. You're part of this bad ass movement that's happening me protecting myself and saying no to things. could be looked at as avoidance. And I worried about that back when I quit drinking. I wasn't somebody who was very social in my 40s, but I had that party girl identity still, and I was social leading up to probably my late 30s.
I was social, I was [00:13:00] doing things, especially with my family. We were always doing something, so me staying home, I started to worry, you know, Oh my gosh, I'm avoiding people in places. I, I shouldn't do this. This is wrong. But I was also avoiding going back to drinking alcohol.
Because I didn't feel comfortable, and I'm okay with that now, but if you're in that place of like, you feel like, Ooh, I gotta test myself, I gotta put myself out there. I'm gonna talk a little bit more about that, because I feel like this is the time, where we gotta just say, you know what? I'm number one. I need to prioritize myself, my overall well being, and if anything is going to tempt me or come in the way of me choosing not to drink right now or I am in a vulnerable state, I'm going to lock it down.
One thing I know for sure is that midlife women deserve to be more open and willing to say no to changing their minds when they've said yes. And to work through the guilt of not going to things they used to attend when drinking if they'd want to stay alcohol free.
I wish you nothing but the most powerful [00:14:00] strut into any event or friends or family gathering with the confidence in your choice not to drink ethanol and answering the question why aren't you drinking by saying I don't drink. Three words that will free you each and every time you say that. I want that for you, but if you're not there, remind yourself you're getting there every time you honor your choice not to drink. There are lots of other ways to say this. Let's not overcomplicate it. Let's navigate this question. If you're going to be somewhere and you have an idea that this question is going to come up, actually, let's expect it to come up.
Even if you think that it won't. I mean, this is a way to just protect yourself and to have a plan without being caught off guard. Because you know, when you're caught off guard, that spontaneous drinking can come into play. Like, Ooh, I wasn't planning on my best friend, Marge, asking me Why I'm not drinking today and now I feel really uncomfortable and let me drink that's spontaneous like Let's plan for that Let's say that you're going somewhere and you're just thinking it's not going to come up because maybe you're going to have coffee with a Friend and something comes up.
It doesn't even have to be a drinking [00:15:00] event Get clear on what this question means to you and any fear that you have coming up around it Validate the fear, remind yourself you're human and this is part of the process in going alcohol free, it's okay, it's normal.
And then check in with why you're choosing not to drink, your why power. It trumps willpower. Write it down a hundred times if you must. Say it to yourself on repeat or out loud daily. Get in the habit of focusing on why you don't want to drink more than why you do and make sure it's front and center before you go anywhere.
Honestly. Like, please. Give yourself that protection. Give yourself that prep plan. Because if you're preparing for things like this, you're going to get in that habit faster than not. Then ask yourself, is this something you want to go to? Is this something you can skip for now? Does this person or people or event align with your values and where you are on this road to alcohol freedom?
You don't have to test yourself or push yourself to do things just to do them. Be okay with [00:16:00] protection. Don't look at it as avoidance if that's something you fear, like what I talked about. Lots of women, including myself, realize after they stop drinking, they don't want to do most of the things they used to do while drinking.
You're going to figure that out as you go, and you're going to work through that as well.
Next, if you choose to go. Envision the person you think would ask you about this. Do you care about this person? Do you know this person? Do you care about what they think of you? Is this person supportive of you making a positive change in your life? Or one of my favorites, will this person be by my side in my final days?
Put things into perspective. Perspective changes everything if you let it. If you answered no to one or more of these questions, respond in a way that feels best for you. And set yourself up with if they ask again, or push it by saying.
You can have just one, something like that. Put a plan into place. If you're not ready to say, I don't drink or I'm not drinking anymore, try this on first size. I'm taking a break. If they ask why, say, I feel much [00:17:00] better when I'm not drinking. This response does not mean forever. It's for right now. And if they push it and say anything other than good for you, change the subject.
Or walk away if this person is supportive of you and will be by your side in your final days and if they ask you why aren't you drinking or are you drinking yet? Let them know before you're around them of your choice. And if you have to reiterate it reiterate it, But please remind yourself, you do not have to explain yourself.
You do not have to keep repeating yourself. If they continue to bring it up, pull them aside and say, I've told you I'm not drinking. Please respect my choice. I've told you I'm not drinking. Please respect my choice. Ten words. You're done. I was a woman who would have asked this question if one of my friends or family wasn't drinking.
I'm not proud of it, but I also know that I would have been drinking while asking. At the end of the day, put things into perspective. Your why power matters. Your choice to keep why you're not drinking to yourself matters.
And you matter [00:18:00] most. Everyone is going to be okay if you're not drinking. No one knows how you feel about your drinking, your worries or your concerns. No one is worth drinking to appease. I hope that you get a positive response when you're out and about sharing. that you're not drinking. You may be surprised at what you'll hear.
Women who share with their girlfriends are finding out that their friends either have cut back or they don't drink or they're feeling the same way they did about their drinking.
Stay true to you and you will find freedom in being yourself and belonging to yourself. We don't have to belong to the drinkers of the world anymore. Belonging to yourself is what's most important in this next chapter of life. I want you to belong there. I want you to align yourself with what you value most.
And it's always good to remind yourself of the next day. Is this drink worth it in this moment if I'm in that place of I don't feel that comfortable and confident in my choice and I feel like I am going to drink to please other people and to belong to the drinkers flash forward.
Always play that tape forward [00:19:00] to the next day and remind yourself of how you are going to feel more confident tomorrow morning when you wake up because you didn't drink. You're going to have more trust in yourself and you're going to create this different experience for yourself.
And that's what it's all about. There's many other things, but in midlife, this is what it's all about. A better relationship with ourselves. You are the solution, always. If you doubt yourself, it's okay. You can still do it. You can still not drink and doubt yourself. I am with you, and if you need somebody to cheer for you, if you want a better response than the responses that you are getting, Email me at hellolaurie at lauriemassacott.
com. I'd love to hear from you. If you're not on my email community, please join. That's in the show notes linked below. And if you want that support, you want to plan for going into 2025 and you just feel like, Ooh, I would really like somebody to guide me on this road to alcohol freedom and give me the time and the space.
Team Alcohol Free is a one time investment. for [00:20:00] long time support. I believe in that. I don't believe that going alcohol free is one and done. It is something that some of our members are working at, at four plus years of sobriety, and I'm working at. At 4, 107 days of sobriety, and I would be honored to do this work with you.
Enrollment will close November 15th. And if you're listening to this in the new year or any time after November 15th, 2024, teamalcoholfree will only be open for enrollment for maybe five times a year.
It's not going to be open All the time anymore. So check it out and get in there before enrollment closes. I'm with you I'm giving you a big hug on the way out. I will see you next week. Take care of yourself this week, my friend. Peace
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
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