The Hardest Part of Getting Sober
If you are a gal in midlife who is questioning her drinking and having a hard time getting sober, I’m with you.
In this episode, I answer a client's question: What was the hardest part of getting sober for you?
After she asked me this question, I didn’t hesitate. The hardest part for me was deciding to stop drinking.
I spent two years feeling stuck in decision fatigue and putting in lots of effort to make alcohol work. On August 11, 2013, I decided to go all in on what I wanted more than drinking alcohol.
In this episode, you will hear:
How and why I decided to stop drinking
My take on what it means to “get sober”
Why it’s difficult to decide to quit drinking (spoiler alert: it’s not you, it’s alcohol)
The fears that I faced in going alcohol-free, which are shared among many women in midlife
What it takes to go “all-in” on freeing yourself from alcohol
My message to you…
If you are having difficulty deciding right now, take a walk with yourself and map out a plan. Maybe now isn’t the time to take this on, and that’s okay - you can’t force yourself to get sober - you will figure it out, and you're on your way. I
If you’re ready to go all in, you can do it. I believe in you. Be kind and patient with yourself and take it day to day.
Thank you for listening!
Mentioned in this episode:
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[00:00:00] Hey there, welcome to 250 and Beyond. I am Lori, the Midlife Sobriety Coach, founder of Team Alcohol Free, and the creator of the Daily Sobriety Toolkit. I decided to stop drinking on August 11, 2013, after 30 years. I have consistent moderate to heavy drinking because I wanted to feel better. I wanted to do better and I wanted to create a better future for myself at 45.
If you're new to the podcast, thanks so much for checking it out today, my friend. And if you're returning back, my friend, thank you for being here again. I'm giving you a big virtual hug. We are here together for a short time today as I start a six week Q and a series where I answer some of the most common questions I've received.
From midlife women over the past six plus years of coaching. The answers are based on my experience and what I know about alcohol and sobriety and the episodes will be short and sweet. I do have six episodes in mind, but I'm flexible. I will add more, maybe do a couple of episodes a week. If you have a question you would like me to [00:01:00] answer, I'm going to put the link to my direct email, right on top of the show notes here, click on it and ask away.
Today's question came during a discovery session with a new client who I worked with last year. And she asked me, what was the hardest part of getting sober for you? And she asked it towards the end of the call. And I didn't hesitate. I said, deciding to stop drinking on August 11, 2013, when I stopped drinking.
It wasn't just that night when I stopped drinking, it was the two years leading up to that night where I was in decision mode. I chose to stop trying to control my drinking with rules. I didn't want to follow by drinking less. I didn't have any desire to drink that way. And I went all in to living life alcohol free.
And I made the choice that night I had major decision fatigue. Should I, or shouldn't I stop drinking? I had been standing at the crossroads of getting sober for long enough. And I believe that getting sober is when you get that [00:02:00] first hit, something's not right with your drinking. It's not good for me anymore.
I'm starting to hear more about sobriety and I'm starting to get really curious about that. That is when you set up a little bit taller, you open your ears a little bit wider, and you start paying more attention to what you want to do about your drinking and what you don't want to do anymore with your drinking.
So you get curious about sobriety. Some women are there for decades, others less. For me, I was in the getting sober phase for two years. If you're there, give yourself lots of yay me's, be proud of yourself. You're on the way to freeing yourself from alcohol. Even if you're drinking, you have time off, you go back to drinking, you are on the way to freeing yourself, find courage and badassery and perseverance in getting sober and do not give up on what you want more than drinking alcohol.
When I was in that two year period, if you haven't heard my story, I was deciding and making the choice to try and drink moderately. So. We're always making choices and [00:03:00] decisions, right? I was deciding to go all in on trying to make alcohol work in my life, not get too out of control, keep a lid on my drinking.
The lid blew off each time I couldn't moderate. I felt really disappointed in myself. I felt ashamed that I couldn't keep the lid on. I felt anxious, foggy, and worried all the time that my drinking Was going to come to an end. That's what I was worried about. I knew it was like, I see it coming and I know that it's coming and I really am a rip the bandaid off type of girl, but I don't think two years is ripping the bandaid off.
It's we all have our own process with us. Like I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel and I was really worried about it. And the more I worried about the fact that I knew it was coming, the more I became more secure in. I got to do it right now. And that's where I was when I made that decision to go all in.
I was a master at Googling. Am I an alcoholic? Or do I have to quit drinking if I only have a few [00:04:00] drinks a week? Can I keep that up? I was really, really trying to make a few drinks a week enjoyable, but it was never enough. And I realized the night I stopped drinking, it doesn't matter what kind of drinker I am.
It matters what I do going forward. I blamed myself. I can't control my drinking. I have a problem. I wondered, am I just incapable of drinking and feeling better? Is this just me? No, I know now it's not just me. And yes, I was, I was being really honest with myself. I am incapable of drinking and feeling better.
I was in the thick of perimenopause. I was grieving the loss of my mom. I was drinking more and feeling worse. Then I started to wonder, am I capable of not drinking? That's where the fear sets in. Is this feasible for me, the self identified party girl since 1982? Is this going to be something that I can do?
I was asking that question while drinking alcohol. Have you ever drank alcohol while searching? For answers about your drinking and I feel [00:05:00] like I'm raising both my hands You can't see me, but I know that I'm not the only one saying yes to this I know when I get an email sign up in the middle of the night, which happens very often She was up in the middle of the night.
She was scrolling her phone. That's exactly where I used to be I was up in the middle of the night scrolling on my phone The good news is today versus 2013, when I stopped drinking, there's so much information out there that is more positive. Hopefully that is why you are here. I do tend to shine a light on the positivity of it all, the badassery of it all.
And I don't know if I made that word up, but I'm going to own it if I did. All of the good stuff about living alcohol free because that's what I needed to see when my scroll on my phone. That's not what I was seeing if you are feeling even a little bit of how I felt and you're drinking while trying to make alcohol work and you're feeling really bad about yourself because you can't if alcohol is still in the picture, your confidence in quitting drinking is hard to find.
You vibe at a much lower level and that lower [00:06:00] level is where alcohol thrives. It says, come on now. I'm going to take all this pain away for you. I'm going to come on in. Let's keep drinking. When I talk about going all in, I talk about taking alcohol off the table. So literally visualizing a table with, I'm going to say my two faves, Chardonnay and Champagne.
They're on the center of the table. They're in clear focus. And then I'm in the background kind of blurred out just a little bit of a blurred out image of me. I removed the alcohol from the table. And then I stepped into that role that alcohol was playing in my life. I came more into focus. If alcohol is in the picture.
You're going to be blurred out in the background and it's going to make you feel like you're not capable of doing the damn thing of changing your life, of quitting drinking, of leaving it all behind and finding freedom from alcohol. I led a meeting inside Team Alcohol Free in April titled It's Not You, It's Alcohol.
We talked about the challenges we face in quitting drinking, how alcohol plays a role in our [00:07:00] decision making, which it doesn't help, and how some of us decided to stop drinking and what it takes to go all in. Overall consensus. And this is a group of women in midlife and beyond. There is a timing to it.
You can't force yourself to stop drinking and it's better when you go all in because the wavering and the decision fatigue is exhausting. And some of these women are not alcohol free. Let me share one of my new favorite messages that I have with you. It is not you it's alcohol. So if you're having a hard time and you're feeling down about yourself, please remind yourself of this.
Alcohol comes in and it takes away whatever we are trying to escape for a very short period of time and leaves us feeling like we can't manage life without it for longer periods of time, especially as we get older, especially the more we drink. Going all in. This is plan A. I said this during an episode last summer where I was talking about going all in and I said plan A and that's what it is.
[00:08:00] Like plan A, there is no plan B. It's all in on an alcohol free lifestyle. Really means that you are going all in on what you want more out of life than what alcohol gives you in those short moments of escape. You're going all in on yourself and the relationship with yourself, long term freedom, doing life on your own.
Alcohol gets blurred out. You come into that sharper focused, but it doesn't happen in a click of a photo. It takes time. It's the slow growth that helps us get to the other side of drinking alcohol. And as a gal who enjoyed quick gratification, I found long term gratification, very, very challenging, waiting out those effort moments, having days where I'm like, I'm going to go back to drinking, I just know it waiting them out and deciding, let me just give it another day, learning that tool.
Has been life changing for me in so many areas of my life. It has given me more confidence and trust in myself, the fear that really held me back from going all in number one, [00:09:00] it started with what other people will think this is a common fear shared among a lot of women, what I would do if I couldn't do it, because I had no trust in myself.
I wasn't somebody who could hold herself accountable at the time. I didn't think I had a fear of uncertainty. Of course, what's going to happen to the party girl. She's going to leave the party. We're going to like her because everybody around me met me while I was drinking the fear of losing people It's real the fear of feeling left out.
It wasn't a pretty picture and this is something that I want to mention, too I didn't have this fear, but many women have the fear of withdrawal from alcohol And I always want to encourage you to start with your doctor. Do not do this on your own. If you feel like going cold Turkey is not going to be your option.
It's a valid fear. And I know that there is shame around it. I know that we feel embarrassed having these conversations with lots of my clients start there with an open, honest conversation with their doctor. And it's not easy, but you can do it. [00:10:00] And another fear that I did have was that fear of. I'm not capable of not drinking and why bother?
I just don't think again, I can do this. So why bother, but I bothered because I couldn't stand doing the same thing over and over again. I knew in my heart that drinking and feeling how I wanted to feel, which is how I feel today was impossible. The two things didn't go together. Alcohol and me feeling better.
It wasn't going to happen. The night I decided to stop drinking, I said, whatever it takes, I will figure this out. I'm not going to drink again. I ripped the Band Aid off of the two years of decision fatigue and I went all in and I thought I was all in on sobriety, but boy, what I have learned is I was all in on myself for the very first time in my life.
If you're tired of the decision fatigue and you're tired of the going back and forth and you're ready to go all in on an alcohol free lifestyle and create this next chapter for yourself. I know that you can do it and I am here to support you. I want to ask you what you want more than alcohol [00:11:00] and I want to remind you that it matters more than drinking.
If you want it, I want it for you. What I love to do is write things down. I turned to my journal back in the early days and it was so helpful to me. Still is today. I like to make a list and just free form, right? Whatever comes to my mind. It's like, what am I looking forward to? If I don't drink alcohol, I can just tell you right now off the top of my head.
Back then I wanted a better mood. I wanted to have a better relationship with my husband. I didn't want to react as much as I was reacting to things that really didn't need the reaction that I had. I wanted better skin. I wanted a better body. I wanted to sleep better. Oh, that was a dream. I was tired of waking up in a panic at 1 a.
m. and never going back to sleep. I was tired of disappointing myself. I didn't want to have numbness in my hands anymore. I had numbness after I drank and woke up the next day and just like really worried about that. I wanted a [00:12:00] better relationship with myself. Most importantly, I wanted to feel confident without alcohol because that kid, the 14 year old girl who walked into a party one night and saw everybody else around her drinking and thought, Hmm, I'm going to do it too.
And I found that confidence in that bottle of fucking pink champagne. And I carried it with me most of my life. I wanted to be confident without it for the first time in my life. I wanted to be myself for once in my life. Forge my own path and see where it took me. I wanted to get off the merry go round, been there, done that.
I wanted better for my future and that is off the top of my head. I got a little emotional. I was aware of what my drinking was doing to me and I was aware of why I wanted to quit. I was honest with myself that I couldn't have the best of both worlds drink and feel better. So I committed to not drinking.
I was honest with my husband and my son and I asked for my husband's support. I didn't know a podcast or blogs back then. So I got inspired to continue moving on. Even [00:13:00] during the challenging days, I use music, I use books, and I use the perks that I was experiencing. And that's what it takes to go all in awareness, honesty with yourself, commitment and getting support, get support for yourself.
If you're having a hard time deciding right now, take a walk with yourself and map out a plan. Maybe now isn't the best time to take this on and that is okay. Remember you can't force yourself to get sober. It won't feel right. It's not going to feel good and it's not going to last. You will figure it out and you're going to find your way and I am here with you every single week to support you on this road to alcohol freedom if you are ready to go all in and you're just like you're scared I get it.
I was scared to believe in yourself be kind and patient to yourself Believe that there's a process if you can't get to the point of believing in yourself Because I just said that and like you didn't believe in yourself. You still did it Believe in the process. If you give yourself time and you're patient with yourself and you take it day to day, there is a process to figuring out what will [00:14:00] help you stay alcohol free.
And not only that, but enjoy yours, find more meaning in life, find more purpose. Download my daily sobriety toolkit. It's a freebie. It will help you plan your day and check in with yourself. You get three audio sessions with me. So I'm right there with you throughout the day to help you stay true to yourself and your choice not to drink.
For those of you who have downloaded it and reached out to me, I'm like, every time I get an email saying how the toolkit is helping you. It makes my day. I saved them all. I just love it. So if you've used it and you want to reach out and let me know if you are enjoying it, or if you'd like me to update something or change something, send me an email.
Again, my email is at the top of this podcast episode. And if you're out there, you're ready to go all in. You've tried it before you, but you don't have the support that you deserve. I encourage you to join team alcohol free. It can change everything. When you have a coach that cares about you, that's me and other women around you who are doing the damn thing.
We need that encouragement. We need that support. We can have [00:15:00] support outside of a sober community, but when we come together, we have honest conversations about what we're dealing with as we get older and what we're dealing with in living life alcohol free. And it helps me keep going at 10 plus years sober.
The link for team alcohol free is always in the show notes, get in there, join the meetings this week. There's a 30 day challenge. You can take 30 days off. A break from alcohol and I walk with you every single day during that challenge and you can go at your own pace Now if you're thinking after listening to this episode, i'm not sure if my drinking is that bad to quit drinking I don't feel that bad from drinking, but i'm also not sure I want to continue drinking I got you next week my friend next week's episode.
I'm going to answer a question. What if my drinking isn't that bad? This is a good one. This is something that I hear a lot. Make sure you're subscribed to the podcast to get the episode when it airs, which is around 1am Pacific every Wednesday. And I thank you again for being here today, giving you a big virtual hug, go all in on what you [00:16:00] want more than alcohol.
It will change your life and you deserve it. You are worth the effort and the time care of yourself this week. Peace.
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
I’m with you.
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