The Next Chapter: Rediscovering Who You Are After Alcohol
If you are or have experienced the big, confusing questions like "Who am I now? or What do I even like to do?" after alcohol, you are not alone.
When I stopped drinking at 45 after starting at 14, that first year was a complete identity crisis.
In this episode, I talk about the transition to the "next chapter" alcohol-free. The identity crisis after drinking, and why you are not alone if you feel unsure of who you are and what you enjoy doing after alcohol.
The prompts I share to open up a more expansive conversation with yourself:
"What am I looking forward to learning more about myself in this next chapter?"
"What is this relationship that I want to build with myself?"
"What do I enjoy doing?"
This is your opportunity to rebuild your relationship with yourself, redefine who you are, and create an authentic, fulfilling life.
Taking control of your relationship with alcohol takes immense strength. You've got this.
I'm with you!
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Hey there, welcome to To 50 and Beyond. I am Lori and this is where we talk about living alcohol free later in life. I started drinking at the age of 14 and I stopped drinking at 45. After I stopped drinking, within that first year, I was really questioning, who am I? What do you even like to do? I was learning the things that I didn't like to do anymore and a lot of those things were intertwined with my drinking and so I felt the regrets.
I thought I had wasted my life. I recently recorded a podcast episode just about this and I'm going to link it down below about reframing time wasted. I got to the other side of that. The first year was eye opening for me. I felt a lot of sadness because I had really wrapped up who I was with my drinking.
I was the party girl. I was the rallier. I was somebody who was hosting. I was Getting everybody together with that core activity of drinking. After I stopped drinking, it was very sad. It was very flat for me. And I know that there is a grieving process if you believe in it or not, there is a transition and whenever we're going through a transition and let's think about it in midlife, there are so many, there's career shifts, there's the change of life, there is the emptiness, there's losing our loved ones, and then there's retirement and.
financial struggles for a lot of us. I'm trying to think of all of them off the top of my head. So if you're going into an alcohol free lifestyle, whether you are drinking a lot or for a long time like me, or not, if you had ever Wrapped up who you were with drinking or felt like you came off of it and like now what drinking was an activity I think it's a passive activity So when we come out of spending that time with alcohol you come out with a different Perception of what life is for a lot of us in this next chapter.
It's exciting It starts out that way, and then maybe you get to the six month point, and you start thinking, I don't know, is this all there is? Uh, I felt that way. I want you to know that you are not alone, and that when you're going into this next chapter, and really discovering who you are, or rediscovering who you are, it's an exciting time.
And I want you to honor the transition, because we cannot speed it up. And if you are like me, and you are feeling the regret, and you're feeling the, um, What the F was I doing for such a long time and why did I do it and why bother now to change this around? Go ahead and bother and keep moving forward because alcohol is not going to fix anything here If we are finding ourselves after drinking alcohol, we have to forge ahead and gosh, darn it.
I am so honored to be on this road to alcohol freedom with you and rediscovering who I was after I started to peel away the labels that I had placed on myself, not only as the party girl, but other labels, the shy girl, the one who is awkward if she's not drinking, and then the stigma around sobriety, all of that.
It took me so much time. In the beginning, I didn't enjoy it. I struggled with it, and I wanted to beat myself up, and that was part of my process, so if you're there too, you gotta honor your process as well. Eventually, I started to own my choice not to drink, and realized that in my 40s, during perimenopause, going into my 50s, that I valued the lifestyle.
That came with living alcohol free because I no longer valued beating myself up. I no longer valued hangovers and sleepless nights and saying things that I regret the next day. I was in this identity crisis towards the end of my drinking. I wasn't feeling the party girl anymore. The party girl left. The party in my twenties, honestly, but I clung on to that and no, I wasn't walking around saying I am the party girl.
Every time I talk about it, I had a little necklace with party girl engraved on it. No, it was the inner dialogue. And that's what matters the most because that's where our beliefs come from. Me plus alcohol equals a good time. Whoop it up. I can be somebody I'm not. And after alcohol. You know, we're turning the page.
We're creating this next chapter. It's a blank page. Who the fuck am I now? Who am I without The glass in my hand. I'm not gonna kid anybody. I was a double fisted drinker I have so many photos of me with two glasses in my hand. This is really how I can explain it It was like I was missing something It was just this weird experience like I sleep with a mouth guard and I'm driving to the gym I'm not kidding you this happens every morning.
I go to the gym Really early, I feel like, wait a minute, I don't have my mouth guard. Yeah, you're not supposed to. It's just like that. It was just like, you don't have glasses in your hands anymore. You're sitting on the couch. You don't have your wine on a Sunday or a weekend. It was a weird experience. It was very awkward in the beginning.
I felt really out of place within myself. And those beliefs about what I needed from alcohol were stamped into my brain. It took me a very long time to prove to myself that. I was not my drinking. You are not your drinking. You're not your past. The past has brought us here. I'm very grateful for myself on August 11th, 2013 for saying, you've had enough.
Put it down. You cannot get any more joy, or you cannot get any more numbness from drinking alcohol. There's not enough in the world. Just Put it down that makes me really sad even talking about it because I was so lost afterwards I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I like to do But I sure knew what I didn't like to do and that's where I started changing things up and I started to recognize I spent a lot of time doing shit.
I don't want to do and That's hard. If you're there, just give yourself more time to process it. Of course, this is something that you could talk to a therapist about, work through. For me, being honest with myself and allowing myself to be human, and I started the forgiveness process, the acceptance process, but That took me quite a while.
I was in year two when I really started to forgive myself because I started to feel very empowered by my choice not to drink. And there were happy moments, of course, in that first year, but I was grieving. We just talked about this inside of my community. Last week. And I printed out a photo that is representation for me of the party girl.
And it is a photo, one of the only photos that I have, and it was the very glassy eyed, buzzy, wuzzy Lori. And I pulled that out and I knew when I did it, cause I almost thought you shouldn't do this during a call. It's not the first time that I've done it, but I immediately got a little emotional because for such a long time after I stopped drinking, I blamed her.
That gal that was in her early 40s and drinking herself into a stupor to try to numb out the loss of her mom and to deal with all the regrets and everything that she already had in life. First, the process was, I'm blaming her. Then the process was, I feel sad for her. And then it was more of, damn it, I'm so proud of her and I'm so grateful for her.
That's how it has gone for me. You are in a place where You have this opportunity after alcohol, no matter how much or how long you've been drinking, you do not have to resonate with my story at all, and you're asking yourself, what is this next chapter going to look like? And who am I in this next chapter?
Please know that you are in an exciting place. Please honor the transition. Please honor your sadness. Know that every day that you spend away from alcohol, you're giving yourself more and more distance away from it to discover who you are. I know that there are so many of us out there who started drinking as teenagers, and for me, what I have learned, and I think I may do a totally separate episode about the starting drinking at 14, is that I didn't know who I was then.
I can say now that I wasn't wanting to fit in, but then I, I did, of course, as a teenager, I wanted to fit in. I really didn't want to stand out. That was my major goal in life. Still is. I don't want to stand out. I just wanted, like, do my thing, have good friends at 14 years old, and everybody around me was drinking.
And so, of course. I said, yes, but I didn't know what I was doing. My mom wasn't talking to me about that. You know, nobody was talking about this kind of stuff back then. And of course in the 80s, geez, if everybody is doing it, we're going to parties, we're having fun, all of that. I don't regret any of that.
But then there's also a part of me that wants to just wrap my arms around that 14 year old version of me and say, you're going to be okay without it. I know you don't believe that, but you're going to be okay without it. That's not what happened. So now I feel like I'm going back to that younger self and being myself and without the awkwardness.
I think there's such a benefit in getting older. We just stop caring. About what people think, and especially after alcohol, because we have more clarity. We want more peace in our lives. For me, drinking was chaos. It was just keeping everything going, all the activities, everything, always thinking about when I would drink again and how much I was going to drink.
After midlife, we get an opportunity to ask ourselves better questions, and to separate. Our drinking self from who we are today and what we do truly want and what we value. And for me now, it's the simple things and I've always valued that. I really have. I was just trying to do extra, trying to fit in, trying to keep up with the Joneses and I wanted to drink and drink and drink and drink to manage all of it.
Now I want peace. I want one on one connections or small groups. I want simplicity more than anything. And that wasn't me when I was drinking. I'm 11 years sober, and this has been and will be a lifelong exploration for me, and I'm here for it. I'm excited for it. Alcohol really does mask who you truly are, and for me it was masking my insecurities, and it was making me feel like I was confident, and that's something that I always wanted for myself.
I have the story, I am shy, I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to fit in. I want to do what other people are doing, wear what other people are wearing. That's my teenage self and I carried that for a very long time and that wasn't who I truly was. I've talked to so many women about this who are asking these questions.
What's next? Who am I? I don't know who I am. I feel stuck. I remind myself of this often and to remind you of this that You're not our drinking. It may feel like that while you're drinking and after you stop drinking It may take you a while to get past that but we are not Alcohol who we are moving forward into this next chapter not taking alcohol with us.
That's a badass move I got to fit that in. It's a badass move. That's where we can redefine rebuild our relationship with ourselves And get a different perspective because alcohol is just in there mixing it up and it gives you such a filter and it tells you you are not this and you need to escape this because you can't handle it without me and all of the bullshit.
When we're going alcohol free, this is what we are freeing ourselves from. It's no longer the external. Help from alcohol or the external validation that alcohol gives us that promise on that first sip that promise like everything's going to be okay. We reassure ourselves and we build our relationships and our activities and our self care and our self esteem and everything up without alcohol.
It does take time to do this. Can we get excited about it? I think we can, definitely. We got to come out of that funk first, and if you're feeling the sadness and the flatness like I did, I want to tell you that it is part of this transition, and I also want to tell you to talk to somebody and get some help if it's something else, because we all experience this different.
Like I said, I pull up that photo of me that represents the party girl, and I can, just thinking about it right now, it makes me so sad, but I come back to that gratitude and that's. Damn, what a badass you were. You were so scared that night, but you went ahead and did it anyway. It unlocked the door to this next chapter, these next chapters in life, and then also to who you truly are and what you truly want.
And that was something that I resisted for a while, and I really leaned into it. And it's hard because I discovered that I didn't like doing most of the stuff that I was doing. I didn't enjoy spending time with some of the people that I was spending time with. Because of the drinking and that's tough and it's scary, but I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't kept going.
And really find my true self. That's why I always say midlife is the best time to go alcohol free. And discover who you are, midlife and beyond. This transition into an alcohol free lifestyle is different. I'm not saying it's life changing. If you're looking at it to fix something, to make sure that you get real clear on what that is, because it's not, this is gonna fix everything.
It's, this is me discovering who I am and how I can step into the role of alcohol and manage my life without it. Life, for me? It's not fixed. It's not perfect. There are so many challenges and I thought I was fixing it by drinking alcohol, but no, that's not it. So you gotta check your expectations with that.
But really embracing the freedom of sobriety and the freedom of being yourself and finding better energy and confidence that come with living alcohol free and making that empowering choice. Then, Getting excited about your future, and if you're not there yet, keep moving forward and check in with yourself today.
Instead of saying, you know, what did I do all of my life? Why was I drinking? Who am I? Ask yourself some better questions. What am I looking forward to learning more about myself? What is this relationship that I want to build with me? And I was really looking forward to being more confident. Without drinking, that came, eventually, trusting my self accountability.
Self accountability is so important. I can trust myself around anything. I don't always make the best choices for myself, but I trust myself that I will either get back to it or that's the best choice for me right now. I can't say that about myself when I was drinking. Then ask yourself, what do I enjoy doing?
What are those activities now that I really enjoy? And let them be simple. Those simple pleasures. They're beautiful. You're not missing out by not drinking alcohol. Get clear on what you're adding to your life. And if there are relationships in your life that aren't meshing anymore because you don't drink, nobody is worth drinking because of and to have a bond with.
Alcohol was just the filter. So if the relationship doesn't work, dang that's hard. It's so hard. And it's sad. But I'm not going to drink because of anybody else. No way. Because that's not what I want anymore for my life. You're not missing out on anything except for what alcohol is bringing into your life.
You're missing out on that. I'm good with that. I'm good recognizing that. I am so missing out on all of those anxious nights, those Sundays spent drinking my face off and those Monday mornings when I would wake up and go, Oh, I'm dreading it. I can't function. I'm so missing out on that. And I'm good with that.
That's Jomo. The joy of missing out, not the fear of missing out, but I'm with you if you have that fear. If you have that fear around relationships, if you have that fear around maintaining sobriety, take it day to day. And if you are in this next phase and you're discovering this new part of yourself that maybe you never knew existed, how cool is that?
Instead of asking yourself, who am I, ask yourself, what do I enjoy about myself today? What am I proud of myself for? What part of myself am I most excited to meet in this next chapter? Who am I working towards? That always keeps me going because I feel like it does give a better energy to it. We got to raise the vibe a little bit, especially if you're feeling a little bit low.
This transition, discovering who you are and self discovery and rediscovering and all of that. Yeah. Yeah. It could be scary and it can also be very fun and exciting and something that is just going to draw you closer and closer to yourself where you know, I've got my own back. I'm going to be good. I don't need alcohol.
I don't need anybody else's opinions into my life. I am fine on my own. And there are other women who are on this road to alcohol freedom. They are there. They are beautiful. They are strong. I'm with you. I am so with you. You have got this. If you would like to reach out to me, share your thoughts on this podcast episode.
HelloLaurie at lauriemassacott. com. If you listen to the podcast frequently, I may be a bit of an infrequent podcaster for a bit. I'm taking some time for myself and to get organized and get some things done. I want to bring back interviews to the podcast and with my call schedule. Within the last year, my call schedule has blown up and I'm absolutely loving my community, my private coaching clients.
It's been really difficult for me to schedule interviews. So I'm getting back into that. I really want to bring more midlife women and kind of weave back in aging and where we're going from here and all of those wonderful topics. While of course, the core of it is living alcohol free and sobriety. I have a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot.
of ideas to talk about. Uh, I'm just getting everything together. So I thank you for your patience. If you want to join my community, Team Alcohol Free Enrollment will open next March 26. It's only going to be open for a short amount of time. In April, our theme is me first, not them last, me first. And that is prioritizing ourselves, working through guilt, boundaries.
Daily routines. And then we go into May and we're going to be doing a day in the life, which is going to be really cool. It's like the lifestyle and all of the wonderful topics that fall underneath it. I'm excited for it. So if you need community, you need support, please check out team alcohol free on March 26.
I will be back before then. And if you are interested in private coaching at this time, I have two spaces open. You can contact me at hellolori@lorimassicot.com. I thank you so much for listening. Take care of yourself. Peace.
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
I’m with you.
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