Quitting or Continuing to Drink For Other People
This episode is for the woman who feels the inner struggle to quit or continue drinking because of other people. The inner struggle comes from hearing either you should stop drinking or you don’t have to quit drinking, but knowing that is not what YOU want.
In my 5+ years of coaching midlife women, I have heard my clients say, “I know I should stop drinking. My kids are worried about me,” or “I want to stop drinking, but my husband doesn’t think I should.”
It’s such a conundrum when you are faced with people who know you and love you but aren’t honoring what you want.
The purpose of this episode is to let you know that you are not the only one who experiences feeling the pressure to quit drinking for other people or continuing to drink because people around her drink.
I know you know what other people think you should do, you don’t need to hear it again, and I know you know what you want to do about your drinking. If you don’t know, I know you will figure it out.
Mentioned in This Episode:
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[00:00:00] Hey there, welcome to two 50 and beyond. I am Lori Massicot, The Midlife Sobriety Coach and founder of Team Alcohol-Free and online community for women 35 and over who are either curious about living alcohol free or already living that lifestyle.
[00:00:13] New member enrollment is opening on March 20th, 2024. If you're listening to this episode and it is before that time, you can join the enrollment interest list, which is linked down below in the show notes. This community has been so fun the past year, I have been working with some really incredible women and we are opening the doors for new members to join us.
[00:00:33] And I just cannot be more excited for that if you're new to the podcast, hello, my new friend. I was a 30 year drinker A Chardonnay and Champagne gal.
[00:00:42] I loved it so much. I turned to alcohol in good times and in bad for three decades. I didn't want to quit drinking, but I wanted to feel better as I got older and I had an idea that alcohol was preventing me from feeling this way. I have 10 years of sobriety today. I quit drinking at 45 and it has been my [00:01:00] number one, greatest personal accomplishment in my life. It will continue to be for the rest of my life. If you're returning back to the podcast, thank you so much for coming back. I'm giving you a big old virtual hug.
[00:01:12] The purpose of this episode. Quitting or continuing to drink for other people is to let you know that you are not the only one who experiences feeling the pressure to quit drinking for your loved ones, your friends, your family, or to continue to drink because of your loved ones, your friends, and your family.
[00:01:28] This episode is for the gal who feels that inner struggle to quit or continue drinking because of other people. And that inner struggle, especially as we get older comes from. Hearing the things that we should do. You should stop drinking or you shouldn't stop drinking. You don't have to quit drinking, but knowing in your heart and soul, that is not what you want.
[00:01:50] And that's where that struggle comes from. I'm doing this episode because I see and hear the pressure women are putting on themselves. I did the same when it comes to [00:02:00] their drinking both ways, quitting or continuing. And I want to offer support because the pressure my friend is going to keep you drinking.
[00:02:08] I will share insights from working with midlife women in my coaching since 2018 and as always my personal experiences That is what I bring to this podcast
[00:02:17] Before we begin I want you to know a few things I want for you what you want for yourself Period. If you feel judged by others and yourself because of your drinking, I know how you feel, and I know you know. I know you know what other people think you should do. You don't need to hear it again. And I know you know what you want to do about your drinking.
[00:02:40] And if you don't, I know 100 percent you are going to figure it out. And lastly, you are human and I love you. Okay. Let's start this off with when other people want you to stop drinking. A little backstory here. I was not told by anyone that I should stop drinking. There were comments from others [00:03:00] throughout the years about me when I was drinking, but no one told me to stop drinking. I always thought that if I ever quit drinking, it would be because of my doctor told me to quit.
[00:03:09] Or I would just hit this incredibly rock, rock, rock bottom because there were so many throughout the years, but it would have to be like a really like, there's no other way to go. But I know that was just a way for me to allow myself to hit a point where either my doctor noticed my drinking, or it just got so bad that I was never going to be able to continue.
[00:03:28] And that's not what happened with me. It was bad for years. I just chose to. Ignore that. I chose to ignore the rock bottoms. I chose to ignore the warning signs and it was going to be so easy for me to just share all this information with my doctor or have my blood work come back and they're going to say, Oh my goodness, you should stop drinking.
[00:03:47] But I wasn't going to the doctor back then. I didn't go to the doctor for years and I was thinking about it. It's like, I didn't want to get weighed. Yep, that's it. That's my truth the more that I think about that part of it, the doctor and getting [00:04:00] blood work back or being told, you know, you got to stop drinking, the more I realized that that is why I thought everyone stopped drinking.
[00:04:07] It had to be out of force, or it had to be out that rock, rock, rock, rock bottom because no one quits drinking out of their own choice. That's not true. And it's definitely not true today. The more that sobriety is talked about publicly, the more people are realizing, Hey, this is an option.
[00:04:25] I can go alcohol free. I don't have to keep drinking. It's a wonderful option and it's always your choice
[00:04:31] Because I work with women in midlife and beyond from 38 to 72 is the age range of my clients throughout the years. Some of these women are feeling the pressure from loved ones to stop drinking. They're given ultimatums from loved ones. If you don't stop drinking, you can't see the kids, or we can't have holidays at your home, or their doctors really have mentioned something from their blood work, and they are shooting themselves, you know.
[00:04:54] I know I should stop drinking and then feeling it as well. They know in their heart that there is part of them that [00:05:00] says, you know, I know that I should quit drinking and I should quit because of my health, my kids, my grandkids, my spouse, my partner, and they are trying and it's just not working. If you are hearing from others that you have to or you need to or you should stop drinking and you're shooting yourself, but you're finding it extremely difficult to stay alcohol free, let me offer you a reminder, my friend, that removing alcohol from your life is a process.
[00:05:25] It's not a process that everyone understands, including yourself. And making the decision to stop drinking brings on so much fear and pressure and uncertainty. And the process really includes this point where we get to this acceptance.
[00:05:40] And accepting that it's time for you to stop drinking doesn't happen overnight. I didn't want to accept it even when I quit. I accepted the fact that I knew alcohol was not helping me feel better. Period. We can all hear about the health risks, the financial risks.
[00:05:55] The risks of losing people. We love if we continue to drink and it [00:06:00] doesn't mean that that automatically makes it so easy to stop drinking.
[00:06:04] I want to paraphrase something. But cutie pie Rob Lowe said in an interview, I just shared the clip inside team alcohol free last week, Rob is an actor and he's been sober since 1990 and he said, you cannot get sober for anyone else. And he was speaking of his own sobriety. You have to make the decision, do it for you.
[00:06:23] You can't get sober for your kids, your family, your doctor, you have to get sober for yourself. And we. Make that choice when we get to that point where we are just so tired of it that we have to go alcohol free. And again, that is paraphrasing.
[00:06:39] We cannot get sober for other people. And I mean, when other people want us to stop drinking for whatever reason, not in you making the decision to stop drinking for someone else like your kids. I hear from so many women that say, you know, I really want to be a role model for my kids. I really want to use that as one of my reasons why.
[00:06:57] And that's really great. And then women [00:07:00] realize they're starting out for somebody else, you know, down blind, they realize, no, I'm doing this for myself. We can't keep it going if it's not. For us. Side note here, when I record the podcast, I say we and us a lot when I'm referring to whatever topic I'm talking about, just like I just said, we can get sober for other people because I was there too. And I know that women, myself included, need more we and us.
[00:07:27] Not just it's you. We need to know that there are other women who understand what we're going through Especially when we're around other people who don't understand we have to have that in our lives And whenever I sat down behind the mic to record an episode, I always said, you know from the beginning I'm going to talk to one person and this one person is very much like me when I was drinking, but I always envision all of the women around the world who listen to this podcast coming together because that has always been my mission to unite gals later in life who feel so alone on this road to freedom from alcohol.[00:08:00]
[00:08:00] You are never alone. You are not the only one. We are all in this together. So I wanted to just share that with you. It's not easy to quit drinking just like that. No matter if you're a daily drinker or a social drinker and you don't drink that often, alcohol is all around us. And a good majority of the women I've worked with are hearing, wait for it. You should stop drinking from folks in their lives that drink. And when I put myself in that position, if somebody had said that to me, especially, you know, one of my close friends or family, they're drinkers.
[00:08:34] And they tell me you should stop drinking. I would think, what about you? What's wrong with me? Am I different? Oh my gosh. I feel so shameful just in thinking that and in hearing that I would think you can control your alcohol and I can't. And that just stinks. It really does.
[00:08:51] And. Stop drinking while other people around you are still drinking is really tough. And I know this for a fact, there is [00:09:00] lots of parking lot, car drinking going on, closet drinking going on, meeting women are working hard to hide their alcohol intake more and more as they get older because of their loved one's opinions.
[00:09:11] If this is you, I know you feel like you're letting people down. I know you feel like you're letting yourself down. You're kicking your booty because you can't get this not drinking thing right. And you feel discouraged more than you do encouraged to keep going. I want you to know that you are loved and supported.
[00:09:27] People care about you. I care about you. You beating yourself up, you know, is not going to make things easier for you. You can offer yourself compassion today. And I know that you can and remind yourself that you are human. And alcohol is tough to let go of for lots of folks around the world, especially if it's not what you're ready to do.
[00:09:46] And it was for me. I am raising both hands to that. It was so difficult for me. God bless these folks who are concerned about your drinking. I know if you're somebody who is concerned about a loved one's drinking, I know how tough that is. If [00:10:00] you're listening to this and you're here, thank you so much for being here.
[00:10:03] If you can open up a conversation with anyone who wants you to stop drinking and let them know how you feel and that you're working on it or you're not working on it. It's not the right time for you. Perhaps that will ease some of the discomfort within yourself and within the relationship. Ask for what you need.
[00:10:20] And then find that one person you can talk to about how you feel someone who will listen without trying to fix or judge you and support you where you are today. We all need that one person. And if you don't have someone, you can always send me an email. I'm a good listener. I don't believe there is a right time to get sober, only your time when you've had enough and you are ready to go all in on what you want more than alcohol.
[00:10:43] And I just want you to know again that you are very loved and supported here. On the flip side of this conversation, for my gals who are continuing to drink because of other people and experiencing wanting to quit drinking for themselves but finding it difficult because of those around you, [00:11:00] I totally get you.
[00:11:02] I know that most of us have this fear. I hear this very often from women. How do you quit drinking if your husband drinks? Like it's a requirement in order for you to stop drinking that your husband or your wife or your partner stop drinking and if they continue to drink how in the world am I ever going to do this?
[00:11:20] It's so valid and it's such a great concern. I had it before I stopped drinking. It's normal to equate relationships with alcohol. The majority of my relationships involve drinking alcohol together at some point, except of course for my son. It's what we did. Alcohol was the center of our activities and helped many of my relationships form.
[00:11:42] I loved the way I felt so connected to people in my life in the earlier days, especially in my twenties. And you know, my teens, when I would drink, I would open up. I would loosen up. I would become fun Lori.
[00:11:55] But as I got older, I didn't feel more connected to anyone when I was drinking, and [00:12:00] especially myself. I've said this from the beginning of the podcast, no one is worth drinking alcohol when you don't want to drink alcohol. The disconnection we feel within ourselves whenever we are doing something, anything that isn't what we want to do, makes us feel like we don't even know ourselves, we're not honoring ourselves, and that's a really crappy place to be in.
[00:12:21] I am a people pleaser, not a gal who likes to draw attention to herself by going against the norm. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. When I took a 30 day break in January.
[00:12:32] It was either 2012 or 2013 because I took Both January's off. One of those years, and I believe it was 2013. My memory is not so good sometimes. I lasted until President's Day weekend in the States, which is mid February. So I took January off and then January 31st, I'm like, I'm feeling good. I'm going to keep it going.
[00:12:52] Now that I'm talking about it was 2013 because that was the year I ultimately quit drinking. Then I went to brunch with my family. That [00:13:00] weekend in February and long story short, it felt like I was in a pressure cooker within myself, but also with one person and I completely caved. I mean, I made it almost halfway through that brunch and I said, I can't take it anymore.
[00:13:13] Bring me a glass of champagne to the waiter. And the next day I felt so bad about myself and I remember thinking. I'm just never going to be able to quit drinking because of this one person in my life. And then it was about six months later when I ultimately quit. And you know what? When I quit, I wasn't completely forthcoming about my decision with this person at the time because I knew that it wasn't going to be received well.
[00:13:38] So I told this person that I wasn't going to drink except during social gatherings. And maybe there was something in me that really wanted to believe that. I told this person how I felt about my drinking, it makes me sad, I feel like I'm depressed, and my hangovers are lasting longer and longer, and there was really no response.
[00:13:57] I just feel now that I'm thinking back on [00:14:00] it, you know, just not having that response, not having any kind of like encouragement or anything.
[00:14:04] It made it feel like this is not a positive thing that you're doing in your life. And it's a really negative thing. And that's not how I look at it. And it took me a while to not look at it that way anymore. But I went into it with that mindset. So I know how hard it is to give up alcohol when your family and friends drink.
[00:14:21] They don't get it why you don't want to drink, but it's so much harder to keep drinking when you know in your heart and soul that it's not what you want, especially as we get older. After I told a few of my people that I had stopped drinking, these folks who knew me as a drinker for decades, they knew me when I was a kid, as a teenager, started drinking with them.
[00:14:40] They were drinkers themselves, not to the same level as me. They saw the dark side of my drinking. They said to me. You don't have to quit drinking. You can have just one. Just moderate, and then you'll get back to it. Just take a break. You will be back to it. It's okay. And even my husband told me these things, and I wanted [00:15:00] so badly to believe him, but he didn't know my truth for one reason.
[00:15:05] I wasn't telling him how I felt. He saw the dark side, for sure, but I wasn't sure of how I felt or what my drinking had become, so to relay that information to anyone else felt really Impossible and awkward, to say the least,
[00:15:18] I know plenty of women who have experienced hearing the same things from friends and family and also hearing just drink normally, like I do. I can't understand why you can't have one or two drinks and be okay. And that's where it gets so much harder and confusing and we spend so much time in questioning, Why can't I drink normally?
[00:15:40] Why can't I drink like my friend Sue? I did this for two years out of the fear and uncertainty of what me not drinking would do to the relationships in my life. And the answer that I came up with is why I can't drink normally was because I don't want to. Back in 2013 when I quit drinking. Drinking normally in my mind meant [00:16:00] you could take it or leave it.
[00:16:01] You don't think about alcohol all day long and you literally can have half a glass and not finish it. Oh, that's not me. But there is such a thing as a normal drinker. Lori Ivey Massacott aka The Party Girl isn't or will ever be. That was it. That's what I accepted about myself. You don't want one glass of wine.
[00:16:22] You never will. So stop trying so hard to make that your thing in life. It's never going to be your thing. And try to make going alcohol free your thing. And that's what I've done. If I had believed my friends and family, I wouldn't be here with you right now.
[00:16:36] Who knows where I would be. I don't know what I would be doing for work. That's for sure. I don't know if Bill and I would still be married. I don't know what my relationship with my son Spence would be like, but I do know what the relationship with myself would be like. It'd be the same old thing that I had been doing, and that is why I don't drink today.
[00:16:54] I knew myself well enough back then not to believe my close friends and family. I trust [00:17:00] Bill and value his opinion like 100%. He has been my rock since 1997. I used to think he knew me better than I know myself, and that is why I really valued his feedback at the time. But I just knew in my heart and soul, if I kept going with my drinking, my life and our life together as a family would get worse.
[00:17:20] I will never regret the choice that I made to stop drinking on August 11th, 2013. The most important relationships in my life adjusted over time to me not drinking. There's a couple that are a little bit awkward, still, after 10 years. And some of those relationships didn't, but I know now that it wasn't because of alcohol.
[00:17:42] Those relationships changed. It was because of me. Something I would have never had learned if I was still drinking. If you feel pressured to continue drinking to please others, or make sure they feel comfortable and are believing in other people's opinions about you and alcohol before your own, when [00:18:00] you're spending a lot of time trying to make alcohol your thing when you know in your heart and your soul it is not, please, my friend, remind yourself that no one knows you better than you know yourself, and if you feel like I did, like you don't know yourself and other people know you better, please stop doing the thing that makes you feel so disconnected from yourself.
[00:18:19] Go all in on yourself and what you want more than drinking alcohol and take it day by day. Listen to me when I say this. Everyone, especially you, are going to be okay if you don't drink. Find people who are doing the damn thing. The non drinkers of the world are growing daily. Get close to someone who will say congratulations when you tell them you don't drink.
[00:18:40] And if you don't have anyone, please send me an email. I am a great cheerleader and I am going to tell you that for sure. It makes. All the difference in the world, especially for women, as we get older to have that one person in your corner that supports your choice, not to drink alcohol. Even if you don't email me, you come here weekly, I am with you. We are in [00:19:00] this together. A short recap of this episode. If you've noticed, both sides of this conversation, quitting or continuing to drink for other people, have one thing in common.
[00:19:10] You gotta make the choice to either quit or continue drinking for yourself. You have way more power in your choices than you think. You are the one that decides what you want and don't want in your life. And no one can decide that for you. Remember cutie pie Rob Lowe, I'm going to link that video down below.
[00:19:27] I'm going to find it. I'm going to link it in the show notes. If you want to watch it in midlife and beyond, it gets harder and harder to please other people before yourself, find one person who will support you and help you during this time, you deserve that support and please remember this.
[00:19:42] I want for you, what you want for yourself. If you feel judged by others and yourself because of your drinking, I know how you feel. I know, you know, I know, you know what other people think you should do. You don't need to hear it again. And I know, you know what you want to do about your drinking. And if you don't, I [00:20:00] know you will figure it out 100%.
[00:20:02] And lastly, you are human and I love you. One more thing I say lastly, lastly, lastly, I created a really nice reminder for myself the past few years that has allowed me to really trust that I will make the right choice for me at that time. And so whatever it is that I'm going I'm not really feeling it or clean out a closet or say yes or no to something that's like months away.
[00:20:29] I always remind myself and most of the time it's because I'm either tired or I'm just not in that place to make a good choice for myself. I say, whatever you do, you're going to make the right choice for you right now. And that just lets up a lot of the pressure that I put on myself and helps me go about my day.
[00:20:47] You don't have to make that choice today. Whatever it is, even if it's a closet, you could say, I'm going to revisit it tomorrow. I'm not going to clean out the closet today. Just trust in yourself that you will make the right choice for you. Whatever choice you make, it doesn't have to be [00:21:00] the right choice a year from now, but for today, this is the right choice.
[00:21:03] Go out and live life. Be kind to yourself. Do the opposite. If you're beating yourself up, be kind and compassionate, like you would treat a friend. To yourself today, do what you want just for today. And I, again, am with you. Thank you so much for listening to two 50 and beyond. I appreciate you so much. If you haven't already subscribed and rated the podcast, I would love it.
[00:21:23] If you could do that, it takes about two to three minutes and you could either do that on Apple podcast or Spotify. And next week I will see you with a brand new interview with Carrie Schweer from Gray Tonic. Until then, take care of yourself, my friend. Peace.
[00:21:37]
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
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