Drinking Moderately Vs. Moderating Your Drinking
Episode 286
This episode will help you understand what it really means to drink moderately. I will share the latest research, and then we will look at what it looks and feels like to be the moderator of your drinking. I’m going to share my experience with trying to be a moderate drinker and why I couldn’t.
This episode is not intended to make you feel bad about your drinking or your inability to moderate it. Its purpose is to help you discover your perception of drinking moderately and that if you can’t moderate your drinking, you’re definitely not the only one, and it’s not your fault.
Educating yourself on what you may be saying to yourself about moderate drinking is important. I was not educated on moderate drinking; I thought I was, but I made it my version, which, even when moderating my drinking, wasn’t moderate at all.
I played the moderation game for two years, and it didn’t work. It doesn’t work for lots of women in midlife, and that is why sobriety exists.
Mentioned in this episode:
Florence And The Machine: Moderation
Drinking Levels Defined by the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism
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[00:00:00] Hey there. Welcome to two 50 and beyond. I am Lori. I am so happy that you are here. If you're new to the podcast, welcome. If you're returning back to the podcast, welcome back.
I'm the midlife sobriety coach and founder of team alcohol free an online community for women, 35 and over. We just opened enrollment for the first time last week for 2024. And in April, we are going to be celebrating alcohol free April. This is a great time to join, to meet new friends. Take a break from drinking in April.
We have a April 1st kickoff where we are getting accountability and extra support. Then we're going to celebrate together at the end of the month. And if you are listening to this in real time, we have a meeting on March 27th at 10 AM in the morning, where I am going to go through all of my favorite planning tips
for planning your month to support you being alcohol free. That is why this episode is going out a little bit early. I want to let you know, if you want to get in on team alcohol, free, join the [00:01:00] meeting. We have a meeting at the end of every single month to plan the month ahead, because I find that so many women, I'm going to say, including myself back when I quit drinking are lacking a plan.
And we all think we're lacking willpower and no, it's about planning and it can be a really simple plan, which I'm all about. I'm so excited for this community. I'm so excited for everything that we're going to be doing together.
If you want to get in for Alcohol Free April, go Click the link in the show notes and join us this week. This episode is to help you find more clarity and understand a little bit more about what it really means to drink moderately.
I will share the latest research and then we will look at what it looks and feels like to be the moderator of your drinking. I'm gonna share my experience with trying to be a moderate drinker and why I couldn't, this episode is for you. If you're working at drinking moderately, you feel like you're putting in the effort and you keep disappointing yourself because you can't moderate your drink.
And you feel bad about yourself. I don't want you to feel bad about yourself. It's you and me together, two [00:02:00] gals who have the best intentions for ourselves, but don't always seem to follow through. I'm proud of you for being here. If you're not ready to listen to an episode about drinking moderately, it's gonna be here when you are.
I am not going anywhere. Go do something nice for yourself. This episode is not intended to make you feel bad about your drinking its purpose is to help you discover your perception of drinking moderately, and that if you can't moderate your drinking, you're definitely not the only one, and it's not your fault.
Just learning more about what you may be saying to yourself about you drinking moderately is important. I was not educated on drinking moderately. I thought I was because I did do the research and I'm going to share this with you back in 2013 when I quit drinking, but I made drinking moderately my version, which wasn't moderate at all. I played the moderation game for two years and it didn't work. It doesn't work for lots of women in midlife. And that is why sobriety exists. This episode is inspired by two things.
Number one, conversations with women who sound [00:03:00] just like I did when I quit drinking in 2013, when it comes to playing the moderation game and number two, the song moderation by the band Florence and the machine, which is Which I listened to at the gym a couple of weeks ago. I love my Spotify DJ. If you don't know Spotify DJ, if you're on Spotify, you love music.
You have playlists. You can click on the DJ button. I always say, DJ spin the tunes and he will pull up music from my playlist. He'll give me new ideas. It's all AI. I don't know. I don't get it, but I love it. And he pulled up this song moderation by Florence and the machine that I hadn't listened to in such a long time. And I was already thinking about doing this episode. So Florence Welch, the lead singer of Florence and the machine has been sober since 2014.
And the song moderation really hits home. I'm going to read just some of the lyrics to you right now. Want me to love you in moderation? Do I look moderate to you?
Sip it slowly and pay attention. I just have to see it through. You got me looking for [00:04:00] validation. Pasture's new. Want me to love you in moderation? Well, who do you think you're talking to? I've never made it with moderation. No, I've never understood. All the feeling was all or nothing and I took everything I could.
Can't hold it back. I can't take the tension. Oh, I'm trying to be good. Want me to love you in moderation? Well, don't you know, I wish I could, I could have written every word And it's really challenging to talk out lyrics because I wanted to sing. I will link the songs video in the show notes for you.
It's a really cool song. If you're not even familiar with Florence and machine, you might want to check out their other music. It's really good. And like I said, Florence Welch is sober since 2014.
So what does it mean to drink moderately? The most recent reports of the U. S. guidelines from the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Addiction says, according to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans 2020 through 2025, U. S. Department of Health [00:05:00] and Human Services and U. S. Department of Agriculture, Adults of legal drinking age can choose not to drink or to drink in moderation by limiting intake to two drinks or less in a day for men and one drink or less in a day for women when alcohol is consumed.
Drinking less is better for health than drinking more so these are the guidelines. Obviously in the United States, you can check your country as well and see what the guidelines are. If this matters to you, the reason why I'm starting with this research is. To get clarity on it, like what is it in the United States, one standard drink or one alcoholic drink equivalent contains roughly 14 grams of pure alcohol, which is found in 12 ounces of regular beer, which is usually about 5 percent alcohol, five ounces of wine, which is typically about 12 percent alcohol and one and a half ounces of distilled spirits, which is about 40 percent alcohol.
I had been a very consistent drinker since the age of 14 [00:06:00] up until I quit at 45. I could put all the labels on my drinking problem drinker binge drinker social drinker
I was a drinker who complied to please others, especially towards the end of my drinking.
And then about two years before I quit, I was introduced to the fact that I may just be an alcoholic. So I set out to prove that I could which at the time in 2013, when I did my research, it was for women not to exceed three drinks a day or a total of seven per week.
I was at least seven glasses of wine and champagne mixed, which were not five ounces. Let me just say that I would drink about three to four times a week. And then I started really cutting back towards the end. Before I quit drinking, I was definitely more of a binge drinker, which for women is consuming four or more drinks in about two hours. Why did I drink? I thought at the time it was just that I had done it for so long, possibly a bad habit. I used to write that in my journal because I was stressed, socially anxious.
That's why I started at 14. I didn't learn until [00:07:00] later in my sobriety that there was much more to my drinking than these things. I drank to check out, not deal with life. Not feel sad or lonely my job, and there was so many reasons why I drank because of my job, not remembering the trauma that I experienced losing my dad when I was 11, or when my mom died when I was 42 my drinking really picked up after that.
Dealing with aging and perimenopause in midlife. And these are just to name a few, there are lots of reasons why I was drinking and, you know, maybe I'm going to find out more as I go after 10 plus years of sobriety. What I knew for sure when I quit drinking was that it didn't matter what kind of drinker I was
you may have heard me say this if you listen to the podcast maybe at least 50 times. It's important though. What mattered was whether I was going to continue to put All of this time and energy, my precious time and my hard work into moderating my drinking, moderating alcohol, and continue to prove to myself that I couldn't for one really important [00:08:00] reason.
And this is what I want you to hear, this one very important reason I didn't want to, I didn't want to moderate my drinking. . If I was to adhere to the guidelines, five ounces of wine, and like I said in the beginning, my version of moderation was never close to five ounces of wine.
I was saying two glasses. I was a heavy pourer, and one of my wine glasses could have easily fit at least a half a bottle of wine. I didn't want to drink moderately. And even when I was trying to drink moderately, it wasn't moderate at all. My moderation game looked like this, Only drink on Saturdays because Sunday was my favorite day to drink all day long.
I had the Sunday scariest to the extreme. I was super anxious about the week ahead, but me drinking on Sunday would mean I was going to be hung over until at least Tuesday, sometimes Wednesday. So I thought Saturday drinking would allow me to only be hung over on Sunday. I was thinking about that this morning because I was finishing up this episode while I was up on a Sunday morning, 5 a.
m. [00:09:00] It's March 24th. Today was up. I had my candles lit. I had some peace and quiet in the house. I had the Disney classic, the shaggy dog on the TV. It was turned down really low. We got a new puppy side note, and I'm sure I will talk more about this puppy. His name is Franklin blue. He's a Corgi Australian shepherd mix.
And this kid. He's about six months. This kid is very energetic at that time in the morning. Cause he gets up, my husband takes him down to do his potty. And so he was back there and he was only up for about 10 minutes. And then he went back to sleep and I went, ah, but I put shaggy dog on because
he likes watching TV. So we put Shaggy Dog on thinking he was going to watch it and he went back to sleep. And I'm like, good boy, this is my time. Anyway, I can't imagine spending a Sunday like I used to, but I did it for A very long time. And so, you know, could have, would have, should have, right. But I was very grateful this morning to be present and clear on a Sunday morning and not hung over.
My moderation [00:10:00] game also included, don't keep any alcohol in the house only by one bottle drink half and then pour it down the drain so you're not tempted to drink more only drink red because you don't really enjoy it. Deprive yourself of the bubbly and the white. Well, you really enjoy drinking.
Basically, I was drinking moderately to get the buzz, not get drunk, which was what I wanted to do. So if I drank red, I could easily cut myself off. And what typically happened, I would end up talking my sweet husband into going to the store and buying me my favorites after I got the buzz, because, the buzz wasn't enough.
The guy from day one, when I met him in 1997, who would do whatever I asked of him and we'll do whatever I ask of him was just not realistic. It was putting more pressure on him as well. Another rule I had drink water while drinking.
So you're not hung over and wake up ready to go for the day. Okay. Yeah, sure. I would drink water, but it still wouldn't help drink slow. Take an hour for [00:11:00] one glass sip. Just like the song says the moderation song, sip it slowly and pay attention. I was the opposite of slow. I was a very fast drinker. The second it touched my lips, it was on.
There was no pacing myself when it came to alcohol. Lastly, I would say to myself. This is where I can feel the pressure right now. I actually like feel like a knot in my stomach. Lori, whatever you do, do not exceed two glasses.
And I was like prepping myself up for moderating my drinking before I would moderate like whatever you do. Do you know the lack of joy that I felt from drinking? I didn't want to do it. I just didn't want to do it. And how this felt to me, this moderation game. Part AF, I was tense, anxious. I felt like I was grading myself each time and I don't like to fail things.
So I was exhausted by the pressure I was putting on myself. I felt resentment towards myself because I was proving to myself that I couldn't do it. And damn it. Why not? It's just me. That's what I thought. Poor gal. When I think about her, she [00:12:00] thought she was such. A loser. And that's what I said to myself.
I don't like even saying this, but I got to tell you the truth. That's what I would call myself a loser because I couldn't drink alcohol. Like I didn't want to drink alcohol. I couldn't drink alcohol. Like I didn't want to drink alcohol. There is something seriously wrong with you, right? You know what I would say to her today?
You're not a loser. You are someone who perseveres, who puts in effort to figure out what makes you happy. You have the best intentions. You were trying. That is what I will say to you or any other gal who is putting in the effort to moderate and feeling like I did when I hear from women playing their moderation game today, it takes me back.
And I have to ask myself when I look back at myself, but I want to throw this question out there to you as well. What is the point of all of this? I could drink one or two glasses. And that was the point of me trying to prove to myself like, yeah, you can do it.
But what's the point of that? So I could be forever a moderate [00:13:00] drinker who didn't enjoy drinking moderately. I know I thought that if I continue to do this, then it's just going to be a habit and I'm going to stop thinking about alcohol and that wasn't the case for me. It was a risk for me to continue down this moderation road for my overall well being.
I knew this. But it was still really scary. And that's one of the reasons that holds us back from really going all in to living alcohol free. It's scary. I was very scared. So I kept trying and gosh, I could say, Oh, I blame society. Society is why I cannot. Moderate my drinking, but now I don't blame anyone, including myself anymore for my drinking.
I was hooked on a substance that is meant to get hooked on. I tried to drink moderately so I could keep drinking with people I had drank with for most of my life and to fit in and be what I considered at the time and what most of us consider in society as normal. Cause you know, if I wasn't going to be a drinker, then I would be an outcast.
And that is what I said to [00:14:00] myself during that moderation game. I hear this from women who are always playing this game for themselves. I can drink one or two glasses, but there's always a, but, and it's usually followed by, but I typically drink more or I don't feel good the next day. And this is what I hear all of the time, all of the time with midlife gals.
Even if I drink a little. I still feel bad the next day. My butt would have been, but that's not enough, but it's never going to be enough.
And I would also have been saying, but I still don't feel good. And, but I am drinking more than one or two glasses every single time. There was maybe about five times out of the two years where I could control it and do the two glasses, but, but I wasn't happy. But I felt resentful. All of those things.
As we get older, our tolerance builds to alcohol, even after a small amount. There are several different reasons why it's really hard to moderate when you realize that even a small [00:15:00] amount isn't helping you make the next day of your life easy and enjoyable. This is the time where you just stop and say, okay.
Then what's it going to be for myself? We all have to make this choice for ourself. We're all so different in this. I am not debating whether you can drink one or two glasses of wine. I want to encourage you to follow that, but up with a question that requires an answer. I can drink one or two glasses, but am I happy with drinking this way?
Ask yourself is trying to moderate where I want to put my precious time and energy is moderation, what I want. It's okay to say no to all of these questions. I did. And I realized that my trying to be the moderator of my drinking meant that I had to stop myself from taking the first step. That's all I needed.
That was the first step that led me to a glass or two or a bottle or more. The first sip is what I focused on not taking pretty early on in my sobriety, because if I thought about a glass, like I wanted to say, well, a glass would be okay, and I was still doing this after I went all in on not [00:16:00] drinking, I would go back and forth, back and forth, a glass would be okay, or a glass would be nice, you know, if you're here, you're here.
I know you have said this to yourself too, when you're either on a break or you have stopped drinking. It is a normal thing for most of us to want to negotiate with ourselves. And I would say, no, it's not even the glass. I would not be able to cut myself off after that much alcohol. It had to be the first sip.
And it became easier for me to focus on, okay, it's just the first step. What would that do? Anyway, that's not going to. Do anything for me. Why it's so hard to moderate your drinking. If you're someone who drinks out of habit as a way to cope or not cope with life like me, and you are someone who finally exhales after that first step, you love drinking alcohol.
Alcohol is a substance that makes you want more. So of course it gets harder, a little alcohol and one or two glasses. When you typically would drink more for most women makes you want more. And either you cut yourself off or you end up drinking more. Also, you may not want to moderate. [00:17:00] Like I didn't want to moderate.
And then there's the peer pressure and all the other reasons to drink more and more alcohol. Think about this for me. I drank for 30 years without a limit. There was no shutoff valve for me. So the thought that I was putting myself in charge of cutting off my drinking. Wild drinking is one of those things I think of now.
And I think, what in the heck were you thinking? But again, I'm human. I was giving it my best effort, but if we're putting this much pressure on ourselves and we don't want to moderate our drinking, we're not capable of doing this on our own. That's why it's so difficult.
But most importantly, it's hard to moderate for most people. Midlife women, because by moderating alcohol is still on the table. When I say on the table, you're not taking it off the table. So like with me, if I was moderating my drinking, sticking to my rules of only drinking on Saturday, you better believe that I was [00:18:00] thinking about drinking.
Every other day. And you don't have to relate to my story. If you even get that glimpse of like, yeah, I got it. It's there. I have a little bit. I take some time off from alcohol. I reintroduce it. It's back again. It's that back and forth, back and forth. And it is exhausting. The older we get. The harder it gets to do anything that we don't want to do.
So if you were finding it hard to moderate your drinking, number one, chances are it's because you don't want to number two, chances are you really want to go alcohol free, but you're fearful of it. Totally get that. And, you know, whenever we're doing anything that we really don't want to do, it's really hard to continue to do it.
Give yourself a break. Alcohol affects us all differently. If you know of someone who is a one or two glass drinker, who doesn't suffer from feeling poorly the next day, like you do, or doesn't have all these drinking thoughts, isn't questioning their drinking.
That's not you. And this person is definitely not me. Don't spend [00:19:00] time comparing yourself to anyone else's drinking period. Stay in your lane, take care of yourself. Cutting back is hard to do for most, but you can do it by getting help from your doctor to help you start to cut back on your drinking. You can cut down and feel really proud of yourself. I celebrate drinking less with my clients because that is what they want to do. And I support that. But the large majority of my clients realize after about four weeks of working together, that cutting back isn't what they want to do, but it was the safe way.
There's an easing in process to this. That's why I want to make sure you get help to important risks that come with continuing to moderate your drinking when you're not a moderate drinker in midlife, not being able to learn how to manage your feelings and experiences that trigger you to drink with.
Out drinking, not being able to really learn how to manage life without drinking. If you're going to say it's just one on repeat, it's okay. It's just this one time. It's just this one drink. You're not giving yourself the opportunity to find new ways to [00:20:00] respond to whatever is motivating you to drink.
It's either a memory, a feeling, whatever is coming up for you without alcohol. And that's a damn shame. Continuing to associate activities that really have nothing to do with alcohol, like holidays and vacations. Hey, I thought that they did too. I really thought that they did. Now I'm so happy that I don't associate anything with drinking alcohol.
I may have the memory of these things that come up, but it's not the association. Like I can't do this thing because I'm not drinking. That takes a lot of time to work through. You will work through it. But if alcohol is on the table, it makes it a lot harder.
These are the two things that I really think of the most when I think of women continuing to drink. Of course there are health risks. Those matter too greatly, but I'm not a doctor.
I can't advise you against what health risks there are for you. I stick with the heart and soul of sobriety. I don't want you to miss out on learning how to live life without drinking alcohol. I really don't, and that is why I will continue to show up here and talk to women in midlife and beyond about sobriety.
What can you do for yourself? This is what I want to offer you. [00:21:00] Just a suggestion. If you are here today and you realize I can or don't want to moderate drinking, take a break from drinking, get support to reduce your drinking and possibly take it off the table completely.
This is the time we're asking for help either within your home. And like I said, a doctor or your therapist, someone that you can talk to professionally, that will help you. It matters. And I know that that is hard to do. There is help out there for you. Start with your doctor and go from there. You deserve what you want in life more than drinking alcohol.
You don't deserve what you don't want. And if you keep getting what you don't want, chances are alcohol may be at the root of that. Most of what I didn't want in my life Anxiety, sleepless nights, feeling disappointed in myself, feeling like I resented myself because I wasn't like normal people, drinkers, arguing with my husband, not remembering my holidays and vacations because I drank so much.
And my Sundays was because of alcohol. Alcohol was at the root. Alcohol is where it starts.
You are where [00:22:00] alcohol ends. Thank you so much for being here today. If you enjoyed this episode, listen to me for just a second while I ask you for help and support. Cause it's not easy for me to do either. If you could take just a couple of minutes and leave a rating and review on Apple, if that is where you're listening or Spotify, you can leave it there.
It helps me greatly in getting to 50 and beyond out into the world of midlife gals who are now. Paying a little bit more attention to their drinking and they need extra support. I am a one woman show and I always appreciate reviews and ratings, and it does help with this thing that they call the algorithm and Apple, it'll get the podcast up so people will actually find it.
It means the world to me. If you go and leave a rating and review today, consider yourself a badass, because I know that that is not easy to do, but you supporting another gal who's asking for help is something that I think that you should really be proud of for yourself.
And I am proud of you for being here. And I look [00:23:00] forward to seeing you next week. Reminder, team alcohol free is open for enrollment. If you want to spend April alcohol free with me and some other really cool women go check it out and get on in and join us in April. Take care of yourself this week, my friend, peace.
Related episodes:
How to Get Past “Forever Sober” Thinking with Co-Host’s Anne and Leigh Walkup
Why Drinking is Harder in Midlife Than Sobriety
Three Women Share Their Journey to Alcohol Freedom Later in Life
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