The Benefits Of Staying Sober When You’re Alone
I enjoyed drinking alone, and I know that being alone can be a challenge when you stop drinking.
Whether you live alone or find drinking alone an enjoyable “reward,” but you don’t want to continue drinking, this episode is for you.
Today, I’m answering a question from a To 50 and Beyond listener, Kim, as part of my six-week Q&A series.
Kim sent me an email saying:
I go about 30 days without drinking but find it hard to keep it going, mainly because I live alone. No one will know if I drink, so I often give in and tell myself—I’ll have just a little (you know how this goes) or just because I’m bored or miss my nightly glasses of wine. How do I break this habit of giving in because of feeling this way? I don’t plan to live with anyone soon, so I need help.
In this episode, I discuss the benefits of staying sober alone in midlife: building more trust, pride, confidence, and patience with yourself.
I share suggestions to help you if you’re feeling lonely, bored, or in the habit of rewarding yourself with alcohol to create new rituals for yourself.
My message to you is that you are not the only one who feels like drinking alone is enjoyable or lives alone and finds it hard not to give in. “I’ll just have one.”
Give yourself time and lots of love and kindness to help you find new ways to manage your daily life without drinking alcohol.
I’m with you 100%!
Mentioned in this episode:
The Daily Sobriety Toolkit
Join Team Alcohol-Free
Q & A Series
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The Benefits of Staying Sober When You're Alone
[00:00:00] Hey there, welcome to To 50 and Beyond I am Lori and I'm so happy that you are here If you are new to the podcast, this is where we talk about living alcohol free later in life. We're returning back to the podcast Thank you so much for coming back giving you a big virtual hug. I am laurie. I'm the midlife sobriety coach founder of team alcohol free free and creator of the daily sobriety toolkit.
I stopped drinking when I was 45 on August 11th, 2013. And the reason why this podcast exists is because I didn't have a podcast like this when I stopped drinking and I would have loved to have listened in on. The interviews we share here on 250 and beyond and the stories of really living life and creating this next level life as we get older.
So I am here to support you. I am here to cheer you on. And today I'm answering a question from a 250 and beyond listener. So this is part of my six week Q and a series. [00:01:00] Kim wrote in and she said, I go about 30 days without drinking, but find it hard to keep going mainly because I live alone. No one will know if I drink.
So I often give in and tell myself I'll have just a little, she wrote in parentheses, you know how this goes, or just because I'm bored or I miss my nightly glass wine, I can't get past the 30 days. How do I break this habit of giving in? Because I feel this way. I don't plan to live with anyone soon. So I need help.
Thank you, Kim, for sending in that question. I've been coaching since 2018 and I have worked with so many women who live alone or find it rewarding to drink whenever their spouse or partner or kids are out of the house. I had a client recently say that when her husband was gone, it was her free pass to drink.
And I totally get this. Alcohol. Became my friend, my companion. If you've heard me mention on the podcast before my ride or die, somebody that I turned to when I was feeling lonely, this episode is free if you don't want to drink, but you tend to give into drinking [00:02:00] when you're alone. And for this episode, I don't want to talk about tips or suggestions as much as I want to look at the benefits of staying sober when you're alone in mid life, if you are living alone and you feel lonely and you feel isolated and alcohol is That companion, that friend, I just want you to know that you are not the only one.
I felt very lonely when I was drinking and I felt lonely in sobriety. I feel lonely today. I'm going to talk a little bit about that. Alcohol is just never the answer. And I want to start off there. In early sobriety, I felt alone because no one understood how I felt. And I believed that there was something wrong with me because I couldn't drink like everyone else.
I felt very isolated and I was sad. I was missing my drinking days. I missed my mom who had passed a few years before. I missed the party girl version of me. I reminisced about the good old days, thinking that they were gone forever. And I missed alcohol, my [00:03:00] friend, my ride or die. And I felt very flat for a while.
I felt this way. And I experienced all of these things and I didn't drink because I knew alcohol wasn't going to do anything to make my situation better. And how I was feeling, my good old days had been gone for quite a bit. When I'm looking back now, I quit drinking at 45 when I was reminiscing about the good old days.
I was really thinking of like my twenties before I had my son, there wasn't enough alcohol in the world to bring those days back because I wasn't 25 anymore. I was. In my forties and I was experiencing perimenopause things had definitely changed for me. So those good old days in the present time, we're not there.
Alcohol is not making things better for yourself. You don't need me to tell you, but I will remind you because we all need a good reminder. I get lonely and can easily isolate myself. In sobriety, and that doesn't mean I want [00:04:00] to connect with other people more than it's a sign. I really need to connect with myself and figure out what is missing because that's how I feel when I feel lonely.
It's like, what am I missing and what can I do for myself? And for me, honestly, it wouldn't be to connect with a lot of other people. And sometimes I don't even want to talk about it. I've got to work through it, but. I do know how it feels. I need to have an expert on to talk about loneliness and to help us with this.
And so I'm putting it on my fall schedule list, and I'm already looking out for experts. If you know of somebody send me an email because it is an important topic, but I don't want to brush it under the rug today for today. I'm talking about being alone, which means. Nobody is with you and I also want you to know that I care about you and I know you can be alone without drinking alcohol and enjoy yourself.
I don't want you to sell yourself short on what you can do to turn your drinking around ever. Alcohol is not in charge. You are, if you're unhappy with your drinking, you can make changes daily to get to the other side of alcohol. And I am definitely not saying that [00:05:00] living alone is harder to stay sober than living with someone else.
We all face our own set of challenges. Let's validate the obstacles staying sober when you're alone, because I feel like there is shame around it. Wanting to drink alone, enjoying drinking alone. I had the mindset that if no one knows No one will know. And so it's just me. The ritual of drinking alone was something that I enjoyed and I did it often.
I haven't lived alone since I was like 28 before I met my husband. But I remember loving drinking alone back then. I would blast the counting crows in my little Belmont Shore apartment in Long Beach, California. Um, I would dance around. I do anything I want when I lived alone and I drank a lot when I was living alone, I pre partied I after partied all of it.
And after I got married and had my son, I had lots of opportunities to drink alone. I was drinking. My husband would watch football or some other sport on Sunday, and I would go into our bedroom, shut the door, turn on a lifetime movie [00:06:00] or a reality show. And I would drink and. If you haven't heard me talk about it, Sundays were a big drinking day for me towards the end of my drinking because I dreaded the upcoming week and I would just drink all day long all by myself.
I would never remember what I watched. I would slip into my wine fantasies where I would empower myself to change everything I didn't like about myself and my life tomorrow. Everything will be different tomorrow for now. I'm going to enjoy my alcohol. I did that a lot and I feel like. You are one of your two 50 and beyond friends listening to this.
Just said, yep, I get that. There's so much hope in that, right? I've said from pretty early on in the podcast that I realized after I stopped drinking that it didn't matter if anyone knew what I was doing behind closed doors. All that mattered was what I knew for so many years. I wasn't connected to how I wanted to live.
I was connected to how I had lived for decades drinking because. Everyone else did I was drinking to really revive those good old [00:07:00] days. I was drinking like that in my forties, thinking that I would lose people in my life. If I didn't drink, my drinking held me back this. I know for sure the old stories of no one would know, or I can have just one and alcohol is my self care.
My reward. It's romantic and special. I deserve it had to be rewritten for me to stay sober alone or not. The opportunity to live your life and be connected to what you want for yourself and your future is gold. And I want to shine a big, bright spotlight on the opportunities that come when you stay true to what you want more than drinking alcohol.
These are big ones, and these are definitely perks of staying sober alone, or again, with people. And we don't talk about him enough. Sure. You hear you. Well, you could lose weight. You could save money. You could have better skin, better mood, better sleep, all of it. But what about those really essential perks in midlife?
And I'm going to start with trust, having more trust in yourself when you're alone. [00:08:00] You feel present in whatever you are experiencing without that need for escape with alcohol. It's such a big one. You have your back. You are building a next level relationship with yourself that alcohol can't touch when you stick to what you want more than drinking.
What about pride? It's a game changer self pride to be proud of yourself for not drinking alcohol. It's tough not to drink. It is a really big deal. You got a couple of days, alcohol free, that's a big deal. It gives you that dopamine boost. You're skipping along. You're really proud of yourself. You bring new energy into your life, trust and pride.
Third, confidence in who you are without alcohol and confidence in your choice not to drink alone or with other people. You can't get to these places if alcohol is still in the picture. If you listen to a couple of episodes ago where I said it's not you, it's alcohol. Alcohol keeps a thumb on you. And during a team [00:09:00] alcohol free meeting yesterday, one of the gals who spends a lot of time alone shared that she stopped drinking last July and started a new career in August.
And she said that she would never have gone for that opportunity if she was still drinking because she had a lot of self doubt. Like that's alcohol. That's where it keeps us. It keeps us where we think we can't trust ourselves where we don't feel proud of ourselves because we can't keep our word to ourselves.
We don't have a lot of confidence in our choice not to be a non drinker and stay that way and really build and create a lifestyle for ourselves. It's alcohol. The last one. So important patients, adding more patients with yourself and giving yourself one more day of not drinking when all you want to do is say F it, say F it to alcohol and give yourself the gift of waking up tomorrow without feeling bad about yourself because you drank tonight.
Those F it moments can go one way or the other and they all add up. I'm also not only coming from the mindset that nobody will know, [00:10:00] I was coming from a place where let's say I went on a diet for seven days and I didn't lose a bunch of weight. I would say. What's the point if I didn't see the results and in sobriety?
I just remember that first seven days that oh boy I'm doing it. I've got to keep going because this is going to take a while and I Adapted this mindset of no more Quick fixes, no more quick results. This is the long haul. And that's really what sobriety is all about living an alcohol free lifestyle. It certainly doesn't happen overnight.
So building that patience with myself, man, that's helped me in so many different areas of my life. I want to say on a side note here, I don't think that you don't have confidence or. Pride or trust or patience in yourself, but if alcohol's got that thumb on you and it's keeping you in that low vibe energy, you're going to 10 X the confidence you have, the patience you have with yourself, the trust you have with yourself and [00:11:00] the pride that you have in yourself once you remove it from your life.
That's the thing. When you give up something that is holding you back. And in this case, of course, we're talking about alcohol. You open the door to different opportunities for yourself. And the opportunity to feel more of the trust and the confidence and the pride and the patience with yourself is gold, especially at this stage of life.
I never once woke up the day after having a tough time, not drinking, regretting, not drinking. Not once I woke up one step closer to building more trust and confidence and patience. And I was so proud of myself every time. Don't miss out on what you can give yourself in midlife and beyond when you don't drink, because you don't want to find more meeting in these benefits and make a list of what you're experiencing.
That's keeping you going and moving forward and get as clear as you can on what is driving the desire to drink when you're alone. So you can figure out new ways to take care of yourself during this time. For example, if it's [00:12:00] loneliness, what helps you feel better talking to someone or taking yourself out somewhere where there are other people around.
If you're unsure, practice something different than what you are doing now to see if it helps you. I've had clients go to a movie, get a pet. Go to bed early, volunteer, do something different for themselves. If it's the ritual of drinking alone, where you feel like this is something that I look forward to, this is my reward.
It feels special. It feels like self care. There's nobody around me telling me not to drink. There's nobody around me talking. I get that ritual. Ooh, I get it. Is it about alcohol or is it about the specialness of the ritual? I used to think that alcohol was making it special for me during those times, but it wasn't.
You deserve to have a special ritual for yourself every day, but is it about alcohol and if it is is the ritual of drinking sustainable, I'm going to say no. I'm going to raise both hands to know I [00:13:00] realized that I wasn't making my ritual about me. It was alcohol centered. And. That wasn't sustainable for me.
I started really having this special routine and which has turned into a ritual. Definitely at the end of the day where I started taking a shower around five or 6 PM, I'll go into the bathroom and just close the door. It's just like, it's that exhale that exhale. And I take my time and I take my shower, wash the day off.
I wash everything off and I put my pajamas on. I may be listening to music or a podcast and just spend as much time as I want. And that's me winding down from the day. I have done that for years. It's something that I look forward to get my cozy slippers on. And that makes me feel very special. The ritual should be about you, not alcohol.
I did this kind of stuff while drinking and can a hundred percent say that it wasn't about me. I was going through the motions. It was about my next drink. [00:14:00] If it's boredom that is keeping you in this place of I'm alone, I am bored. I get that too. It's not just boredom. It may be anxiety or worry could be fatigue, but let's just say it is.
I am completely bored. I am so bored. What else can you do to spice things up without drinking? Alcohol is a micro answer to something that needs a long term solution. If you're somebody who drinks while watching TV, Oh boy, that was me. And it's too hard to watch TV and you're feeling like, Oh my gosh, this is too boring or this is too triggering.
Do the opposite of what you would normally do while drinking, especially if it's motivating you to want to drink in any area of these things. Like if taking yourself out is something that is going to motivate you to drink, do the opposite. If you want more fun in your life. Create more fun, create a fun bucket list for the next 30 days.
List what you consider fun and go out and do it or embrace feeling bored. When I'm bored, I get out of the house. I [00:15:00] go to my happy place, the ocean, a movie, the dog park with our puppy, Frankie blue. I'm just loving this puppy. I just go down to this little dog park that we have right here in our community and we play ball.
And I just watch his he's part Corgi. So he's just like, watch it a little. Little legs running and it just brings me so much joy because I can get bored and feel very lonely working for myself. The days can be really long when I don't have, uh, calls in the afternoon. I got to get out of the house. I chased fun by drinking for 30 years and it really effed up my perception of what fun is.
I can have fun doing things that I used to think were really boring. Validate how you feel. All feelings are welcome in midlife and we can handle them. Without alcohol. Thanks again to Kim for sending in this question. If you have a question or podcast topic, please use my email and send it on over. I love to hear from you final words.
I care about you and I am here for you. If you email me and you say, I just want to talk to somebody. I'm going to respond within [00:16:00] the same day, unless it's late at night and I'm sleeping. I'm going to get back to you. If you need extra support, go and check out team alcohol free. This is a wonderful community.
I have a fun, special summer project that I'm working on for us. The community is growing and I would love to see you inside. If you feel like you are missing out on having extra support for yourself. I am there. And so is team alcohol free. And if you want to get started today, you need a plan for today.
Staying alcohol free, download my free daily sobriety toolkit. This is going to help you check in with yourself. You get three audio sessions with me. So I'm right there with you to help you stay true to yourself and your choice not to drink next week. I will be back with a brand new Q and a episode. I haven't decided which one it is.
It may be. be how I managed my anxiety when I stopped drinking that's coming up or it also may be, yeah, I may do this one, one about setbacks and slips and day ones. So [00:17:00] either one of those episodes coming your way next week, make sure you're subscribed to the podcast and leave a rating and review. If you haven't already, it helps a lot.
So much in getting To 50 and Beyond out into the world. If this episode helped you or you've listened to a past episode and that has helped you, please consider taking a couple of minutes to leave a rating and review. It really does help me. I appreciate you so much in advance for those ratings and those reviews.
And I appreciate you for being here. Take care of yourself. I will see you next week, my friend.
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
I’m with you.
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