How to Navigate Drinking Thoughts Without Drinking
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Drinking thoughts can be frustrating after you stop drinking. I’ve had many conversations with women recently that prompted this episode.
If you’re in the thoughts, you’re going to get through them. Drinking to quiet them only makes them stick around.
In this episode, I talk about the most common thoughts many midlife women experience, like I could have just one, I deserve a drink, and Why can’t I drink like others?
I walk you through what my days looked like after I stopped drinking. Waking up proud of not drinking, the thoughts starting to build in the afternoon, getting louder in the evening, and making it through anyway, even when it felt uncomfortable.
I also talk about why these thoughts come up, why they came up for me, and what’s actually happening underneath them. I share ideas to help you move through the thoughts without drinking and remind you that, over time, they won’t be as constant.
If you’re in the thoughts right now, you’re going to get through them. I’m with you.
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If you have made the decision to go alcohol free and you're experiencing thoughts about drinking alcohol, this episode is for you. If you have made the decision to go alcohol free and you're not experiencing those thoughts, please remember we are all different and we don't all experience the same thing.
I wanted to say that upfront because in the early days for me, I would've thought, now I'm gonna have this. We call it the drinking chatter inside my community. This chatter coming up about drinking and not drinking, and that's not always the case for everyone. Be here with me today. As I talk about this.
I'm gonna talk about my story. I'm gonna share a little bit of research on future visualization and how that is helpful in those moments where you feel like you may say F it and go back to drinking. I'm here with you and I'm glad you're here. I'm Lori, and this is two 50 and beyond where we talk about living alcohol free later in life.
If you're new to the podcast, I stopped drinking in 2013 at the age of 45. This is why this podcast exists. I thought that after I stopped drinking, I'm gonna go on about my life. Of course, I'm removing this thing that I really enjoyed and loved. Until I didn't and I'm never gonna think about drinking alcohol again.
If you're returning back to the podcast, you probably have heard me say that, and I'm glad you're here. That was my expectation. Go on with your life. Feel deprived. 'cause you can't drink alcohol and. I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just not gonna be thinking about it. I just said this recently on a podcast episode, and I know I've said it before.
I didn't think about drinking as much as I did until after I quit drinking. And that's true, I thought, but also I was thinking about it as I was creating this episode. I thought about drinking a lot. Even though towards the end of my drinking, I was drinking Friday through Sunday. Typically the thought was always there about drinking alcohol, and it was the anticipation like, I am gonna be able to drink.
So it could have been on a random Tuesday, just knowing that, okay, Friday maybe. Saturday, for sure, Sunday for sure I will be drinking. So it offered me ease. It was that thing that I looked forward to. If you are in this place where you feel like you had that thing that you looked forward to, and now it's gone and you have that anticipation and these thoughts that are coming up, and typically we would fulfill it by drinking alcohol and now we can't, you're not alone.
It's part of it and ugh, I know. It's like it's part of the process. It's normal. It doesn't make these thoughts comfortable. But I will say this, when you are uncomfortable and you are growing through the thoughts without drinking alcohol, you are getting to the other side of it to where the thoughts are more distant.
They are quieter, and the thoughts turn to, I'm grateful. I'm not drinking alcohol. It will happen. Keep going. One thing that will keep these thoughts pretty loud and constant is to drink because of them. And I know that's difficult to do. I've worked with women for the past seven and a half years. The thoughts can take you back and I think it's good that we're talking about it to expect if I do have a thought, 'cause it could just be spontaneous.
I'm feeling great. I am walking down the street. I pass one of my favorite. Grocery stores where I bought my alcohol or a restaurant and I have been completely alcohol free for a few months now and spontaneously it is that thought that will come up. Don't fear the thought, but expect it if it does come up, that drinking alcohol to take that thought away and get that relief from not feeling that uncomfortable feeling from it is going to keep those thoughts consistent.
I have survived. Thousands of these thoughts without drinking alcohol. And I know you can't too. You have everything you need already inside of you. And the one thing that we both share is time. And that's what it takes. It takes time to work through the thoughts. It takes time to figure out where they're coming from and pausing and reflecting and doing a bit of reframing, which I wanna talk about today.
I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about when I talk about that chatter, and this is walking through like a typical day for me early on. Wake up in the morning, always like. Proud, shocked in the beginning, like, I cannot believe you didn't drink. This could have been a night when I would typically not drink, like I said, not during the week towards the end.
So it could have been one of those days where I was just anticipating alcohol and the thought of the relief from it over the weekend and knowing that I couldn't have it, and I was really thinking about it on a Wednesday, and I would wake up Thursday morning and just think, oh my goodness, that was tough.
That was so tough, and I just would wake up proud of myself and happy that I wasn't drinking. And then by noon, especially if it was on a Thursday, that's when it would start to come in really strong. And by noon it would just be, oh my goodness, for whatever reason, what happened throughout the day. Like life happens, right?
Stress, anxiety, tired, all of those things. It just would get to that point where I would start reintroducing the thought of, ugh. I deserve a drink or I can't wait to have a drink, and then I would be reminded you're not drinking.
Now you don't have anything to look forward to. And that weighed on me. And then of course, by the evening, it was still there consistently, and then I would do it again. I'd wake up the next day and go, oh my goodness. That was tough, but you got through it. I'm not saying every day was like that, it just wasn't.
There were days where I didn't have the thoughts. And that came pretty early on. And then of course as I went forward, it was, wow, I can't believe I really didn't even think about drinking. Alcoholic. That's the sign that you are working through it and that you are getting to the other side of it, and there is no timeline on that.
I cannot give you an exact month or date. It was within the first year, and then there were days when I didn't think about drinking alcohol, and I would write about this in my journal. I have notes about it. This is a fluke. Looking back on that, now I can look at me saying, you know, that's a fluke. As I wasn't in a place at that time to feel like I was worthy of feeling happy, worthy of enjoying the transition, worthy of the freedom that I was experiencing.
That. Happy, joyful life is for other people. And I wanted so much to have that happy, joyful life. And I would have my wine fantasies when I was drinking, and I would think Tomorrow's gonna be so much better and you're gonna do all of these things. And when I got to the point where I realized it is better, I'm doing different things.
I'm taking care of myself, I'm exercising. That was something that I had always wanted to do and I wasn't doing it consistently. Looking at it as a defense mechanism. Don't get too happy here. Don't be too content. You gotta keep your defenses up. And over time, of course, that dropped, and I allowed in the time that it was going to take the progress that I was making, I also reminded myself that life is full of ups and downs and not every day is gonna be happy and joyful.
It's so important to know yourself and to know. The things that you say to yourself to justify alcohol and that there are certain days and certain moments throughout the day where maybe you're not feeling your best and the thoughts come in rather strong and they seem almost too uncomfortable to bear.
Be with yourself during that time. That's what we have. We have ourselves during those times, and that was also one of those things for me. Doing this, you're following through, you're actually doing it. And that's where I started to build more confidence in my choice not to drink. Also more confidence to help me work through those thoughts and be realistic.
So know thyself my friend, and be honest with yourself when you're having any kind of thoughts. And the thoughts that I'm talking about are very common among midlife women, and it is, I could drink. I just heard this the other day in my community, to hell with it. Yolo. You only live once. I deserve a drink.
What would one do? Could have just one. A drink right now would make this a lot easier. A drink right now would gimme some relief. It would help me connect more and celebrate more. I always had the thought, why can't I drink like other people? It's just me. And then there are my friends out there who will say, no one will know if I drink.
You're gonna know. And that becomes really important the more you go without it, because you create that stronger bond with yourself where you are. Keeping it going and you recognize that's badass and I can work through any thought about drinking alcohol without drinking. Sometimes you just gotta be with it.
Drinking alcohol and packs are dopamine. So that reward system, when it's looking for that anticipation of drinking alcohol, changing it up and offering yourself something else and not looking at it as I've got to. Have the same experience as drinking alcohol. It's just something that you can do to help you look forward to something at the end of the day.
And honestly, a bowl of ice cream or a nice shower. Some kind of sweet treat or a meal or a conversation with a friend is what a lot of women will do for themselves or a creative project. Also, we have to remember that alcohol gets into our brains and it really impacts the way that we view certain things and the process of, what do I wanna call it?
The forbidden fruit. I can't have it, so I want it more. For me, it was 30 years of drinking alcohol. The thoughts were ingrained when I took that first drink at the age of 14, and I said, as long as I have alcohol, I'll be able to socialize. I'll feel more confident. The hives on my neck will go away, and I hung onto that story for such a long time.
I was gripping onto so hard the drinking thoughts that I had, and I started to talk to my husband about it. What if I could have just one? What if I made a mistake and I just made too much of a deal about this thing? I didn't need to quit drinking Those thoughts. Now I can see we're part of me being able to cope.
And I mean that by, it was giving me comfort to say that knowing that I could drink. So if it's like one of those things that you say to yourself, I could drink. I could have just one. Yeah, you could. Do you want to? That's where I had to stop and ask myself, do I want to, Hmm. Some days it was, yes, I do. I would remember if I did have just one sip.
How that would play out. But I do look at it as it was. A coping mechanism for me and something that I just needed to remind myself of that I could drink, I could drink today. I mean, honestly, I could. I'm an adult. I could go out and buy it. That would be so weird to me now. But back then it was so close.
So I did find comfort in those thoughts. And then the nostalgia, the memories, the missing it. You feel sad? I totally get it. I wanted to remember the good times and the good times probably ended with my drinking in my thirties and I didn't acknowledge it until my forties. When I think of good times, I think of more of my younger years for sure.
I'm not really sure and I'm still working on it when that all changed for me. But definitely my mid to late forties, definitely after I had my son and I was 33 when I had spent, so right after that time it started to shift for me. So the memory of drinking, the sadness that comes with those memories, it's a thing.
And if you're feeling it, you are not alone. The good news is there's this thing called neuroplasticity. It allows our brain to rewire in time. So instead of going down this road to where alcohol is the solution, you're on the road to alcohol freedom, where you are the solution and you're practicing new ways to work through these thoughts and the urges and the effort moments without drinking alcohol, and that's going to get you to complete freedom.
I'll be honest with you, I will be in a Trader Joe's or I will be in a certain situation where that memory of drinking comes up. And the thoughts about drinking alcohol. What if I ever went back to drinking alcohol? They're there. They're not there that often, but they come up and I'm 12 years in and it's part of it.
It was a big part of my life, and I'm not gonna say that one day you're just gonna be a hundred percent thought free about drinking alcohol. What you will be though, the longer you go is a hundred percent. Confident and strong in your choice that no matter what happens, you know that alcohol is not the solution you are.
'cause you've worked through all this hard shit and you can do hard shit and you will continue to do it without drinking alcohol. I know this about you, I've talked about playing the tape forward. I have a whole episode on it and I read an article the other day and I'm gonna link it in the show notes for you on the research behind.
Visualizing the future, a future event. So if you're in that moment where you just wanna say, forget it, I'm gonna go back to drinking alcohol. You visualize the future and that helps you reduce the impulse and improve your decision making when you mentally rehearse something when you're facing. Cravings, your brain strengthens alternative pathways that make saying no easier.
So imagine when you're in that moment, you play the tape forward to when your head hits the pillow at night or tomorrow, how you wanna be. Also, what is that thing you're looking for in going alcohol free? It could be picturing yourself feeling more and laughing more, and actually. Laughing, actually being happy and seeing things more vividly, discovering new passions as you get older.
Picture your future self handling these urges and these thoughts that are so uncomfortable and you're pausing and you're breathing, and maybe you're just saying to yourself, it's a thought. It's there, and I know it's there because I made the right choice and no longer drinking. I am bigger in this moment than this thought and alcohol.
You see that confidence and that pride in yourself in the future, and that could be tomorrow, like I said, or tonight. I've heard this playing the tape forward for so many years, but I didn't hear it when I had first started off with my sobriety. I just kept envisioning really not the good stuff so much in the beginning, but like the bad stuff that was happening.
Like if you have one sip, you go and lose control. It's not gonna be cute and you're going to end up feeling really bad for the next three days. That's what I was picturing. So you can go either way, but I like the future and the good stuff. Like, oh, just embodying this person that you wanna be. 'cause I know every one of us in midlife and beyond, we have a reason.
That is really meaningful to us to be able to do this work. We have that thing and a lot of women that I have talked to over the years, especially as we get older, it is that thing like, I wanna find that other thing in life and getting excited for that. And especially if you don't know what that is yet, like I'm gonna discover it.
Because I'm opening myself up to new opportunities, and one of the greatest opportunities I feel living alcohol free later in life is to be present and to have the thoughts and to work through them without drinking alcohol. So the challenge turns into an opportunity. I love any kind of quote or book from Young Pueblo.
I picked up a book, I think last year at a book fair, and it's the inward book, and this book is always on my desk and I use it in reflection. He has a quote and it says, let thoughts flow like clouds without attachment. If you are a visual person and you can recognize the clouds floating by you, and these thoughts are up in the clouds, and I'm not going to bring the cloud down, I'm gonna let it float on by and just recognize it.
It's such a beautiful practice to add to your life if that is something that would help you. And then looking at reframing the thought in a really realistic, practical way, in an honest way. I just think that's life changing. When you can call yourself out on these thoughts and say, okay, if you said I could have one, then you respond with, you could, but is that what you want?
And it's not only what you want in the moment, but is it just one? And playing that out and how that would look. Reminding yourself if I did have one. Then these thoughts that I'm having about drinking alcohol and trying to alleviate and get beyond are still gonna be there. Is that what I want for myself?
Will having one disrupt the progress that I've made? The hard work that I'm doing, I'm doing this for a reason. I'm really putting in the effort here, and one drink won't really silence my thoughts. That would be me for sure. One will turn into two. Two won't be enough, and it'll turn into more. And it's not gonna silence my thoughts if you're saying, I deserve a drink, or I could have one to celebrate.
What are you celebrating? What do you deserve? A drink because of. What else can you do for yourself in those moments that will feel more long lasting and that you'll wake up tomorrow with that visual that you really want and that you probably woke up one morning and said, I'm done. That's it. I'm not drinking anymore.
I want better for myself. I want tomorrow to be a better day for myself, whatever that is. Reminding yourself in those moments of, I deserve a drink, or I could have one. It'll make things better. What is it that I am rewarding myself for and what else can I do for myself at that time? For me, it was always the end of the week.
I have had a tough week and I deserve a drink or a tough day. Don't talk to me. I need a drink first to handle this thing. Doing that for so many years, made my weekend almost completely wiped out, and then the following week was difficult and challenging. And if you're not there, you don't have to be in that place.
It's just that one thing for yourself that you are not willing to let go of and this work that you're doing to stay alcohol free because of alcohol, who's not willing to do it anymore? Challenge those thoughts going forward. Reframe them into your truth. Give yourself compassion. Give yourself a lot of, yay me.
I'm doing the hard shit and I can continue to do the hard shit and talk to somebody about it. If you can't get out of it, if you cannot get out of these thoughts, reach out and get help for yourself. But that will be helpful. I say that because I wasn't gonna talk to anybody about how I felt in the beginning and took me two years to even open up to anybody really about what was going on.
It was difficult for me during that time. And so if I can encourage you to start a conversation with somebody that you trust and that you love, or a professional, or if you would like to just send me an email and let me know that you listened to this episode and that you're there. I will respond to you and I will appreciate hearing from you.
Sometimes it's that thing that we have to do to step out of the comfort zone and change things up so we do get beyond the alcohol. I understand. I really do. Recapping, if you're not experiencing these thoughts, it's good to know that they could appear. If you are experiencing these thoughts, do something when those thoughts come up for yourself.
And I am all about the distraction. Taking a walk, calling somebody, watching something funny on tv, maybe an old uh. Sit, calm that you used to enjoy. Getting outside, getting some fresh air. Music. Music is so good for us. Just putting something on that's really positive. Cleaning, that was a big thing for me.
Distracted. Delay. Clean and clean and clean. And then on a Sunday especially, because that was my biggest drinking day, I would go to the gym in the morning. I would spend a lot of time there. 'cause I had time and I would come home and I would do my cleaning and then it would be like 12 o'clock. And my favorite spot, my couch was calling me and that was a really difficult place to be in.
So I would be doing a lot of movement during that time and just getting through it. Or I would talk to my husband about it and let him know how I was feeling. That started to be easier for me as well. And definitely writing in my journal. So there's things that you can do for yourself to work through it.
And when you get up tomorrow morning, if you're having those. Thoughts today, and I'm not saying they only come at night wherever they are in your day, get up tomorrow morning or when you lay your head on the pillow tonight, congratulate yourself and know you're getting closer to these thoughts being gone and the thoughts will change and they'll come in more with gratitude that you're not drinking and more with that and that confidence.
Being the solution that you are. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. I'm not sure of the topic. It might be an interview with Stephanie Valentine who is talking about loving what is on your plate or solo with me, and then Stephanie the next week. So stay tuned.
There's more goodness coming your way. I appreciate you so much. Take care of yourself this week. Peace.
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free is an advantage, not a limitation.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, aging well on your terms, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol doesn’t stand a chance against.
I’m with you.
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