How I Managed My Anxiety When I Quit Drinking Alcohol
In this episode, I’m answering a question from a To 50 and Beyond listener, Maggie.
Maggie sent me an email and said: I’ve heard you talk about your social anxiety when you were 14 and started drinking as you got older. Did having anxiety hold you back from quitting drinking? And how did you manage it once you stopped drinking?
Anxiety has been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to experience and manage throughout my life. I didn’t talk to a doctor about my anxiety until I was in my 40s. I wanted to hide it. Pretend like I had everything together, and even during public panic attacks in my 20’s and 30’s, I would say, “I’m fine.”
I wasn’t anything but fine for decades, and I used alcohol to take away my anxiety so I would feel better.
In this episode, you will hear:
When and why did my anxiety start at eleven after losing my dad.
Why I first started drinking at the age of 14 - to fit in and lessen my social shyness.
Where my anxiety comes from (hint: I was trying to control my anxiety, not manage it with drinking).
How I approached the “anxiety roadblock” that held me back from going alcohol-free.
The basics that I stuck to in early sobriety, and today, that help me manage my anxiety.
If you are someone who experiences anxiety and using alcohol to cope, I understand how you feel.
Alcohol is not a sustainable approach to anxiety. I learned this after I quit drinking.
There is help for you and support. You are not alone.
I felt alone in my anxiety for far too long. I’m with you.
Mentioned in this episode:
The Daily Sobriety Toolkit
Join Team Alcohol-Free
Q & A Series
The Hardest Part of Getting Sober
Wondering if Your Drinking Isn’t “Bad Enough” to Quit?
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Lori Massicot: Hey there. Welcome to To 50 and Beyond. I am Lori and the midlife sobriety coach, founder of team alcohol-free and creator, the daily sobriety toolkit. I stopped drinking on August 11th, 2013. At the age of 45, I started drinking at 14 and 1982 because I was socially anxious and everyone around me was drinking.
And that's what I decided to do. If you're returning back to the podcast. Thank you for coming back. And if you're new to the podcast, yay. You're here. Welcome a new friend.
Today, I'm answering a question from a listener, Maggie, and she wrote me an email and she asked if anxiety held me back from quitting drinking and also asked how did I manage my anxiety once I stopped drinking. And I've talked about it for years on the podcast. I did an episode specifically on my anxiety. Way, way, way, way, way back.
I wanted to add this to this Q and a series that I'm doing, because it is something that I've heard before. It is something that. Is very normal when you're [00:01:00] experiencing whether it is stress or anxiety, whatever it is for you. And alcohol helps you take the edge off, take the edge off.
That's what I used to say. It's very normal to have that thought when you're at this crossroads of do I go alcohol free or do I continue drinking with, yeah, but what about my anxiety? What about my stress? What about what I'm drinking to really. Cope with in life and anxiety has been one of the most difficult things I've had to experience and manage throughout my life. But back when I was drinking, I'll talk more about this.
I was trying to control it. I didn't really talk to a doctor about my anxiety until I was in my forties and I was having heart palpitations. I wasn't feeling good. I was on that verge realizing, hey, you're in peri-menopause. And for most of my life, I really wanted to hide it. I wanted to pretend like I had everything together.
And even during public panic attacks in my twenties and thirties, see, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I was always trained to keep a lid. On [00:02:00] anxiety, any kind of emotion. I wanted people to think that I had it all together, that I was cooling com. So today I'm going to share my experience, go a little bit deeper with you, and I'm going to share the answers to these questions.
The American psychological association defines anxiety as an emotion characterized by feelings of tension. Worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. I agree. There's more to it for me. And I'll talk about that. We all experience anxiety to some degree from time to time. I know people in my life who I really try to emulate. when I was drinking, they always seemed like they were confident and they were cool and calm. My husband is one of those people.
He's very cool and calm, but he does have anxiety and stress. I don't think he talks about it as much, . I felt like I wore it more. And the reason why is the hives that I used to get on my neck, which I'm going to talk about. But we all experience it at [00:03:00] some degree at certain times of life.
There are women now, especially in perimenopause and postmenopause with our hormones shifting and going up and down. Who are experiencing anxiety for the first time in their lives and they are using alcohol. I know for me that. Try to keep the lid on. It was what was really keeping me in that belief. That the only way I can do that and keep the lid on it really tight is to continue drinking. If you've been listening to the podcast, you know this, but just in case you don't. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a therapist nor do I want to be, or pretend to be. If you are suffering. With anxiety and drinking alcohol, and you're on that loop of I'm anxious.
I drink, then I'm more anxious. I'm not sleeping. That kind of a loop. Man. I'm giving you an extra tight hug and I want to always encourage you to get help for yourself, whatever you could do for yourself, because you deserve the support. I am not here to ever offer any kind of medical advice. I just share my [00:04:00] experience because that's what I needed back when I quit drinking.
That's what I want to hear. I want to hear real conversations. I didn't need to know what my brain was doing back then when I was struggling with it. I needed to know if there was hope on the other side. If there was a way that I could live life and be happy and still be anxious. Without drinking alcohol.
That's what I wanted to know. I wanted encouragement and that's why I am here. Bring experts on to talk about this other kind of stuff. But today, you know, it's just my experience, always my experience that I share here, because that's where I'm coming from. My anxiety started after losing my dad. When I was 11, he passed away in his sleep. And after that I became hyper-focused on not losing my mom. I was so worried about that.
And that is my first memory of worrying and feeling anxious. When my dad passed, I was in elementary school and then I was starting into junior high school and I was very shy. And I would break out in highs on my neck whenever I felt the anxiety started. And I hated it.
Turning red was so hard because no one [00:05:00] around me blush, like I did. So just three years after he passed. I've found alcohol on a night. When I felt extremely anxious, I was on my first car date. And everybody was out a party and I chose to drink pink champagne with my friend, Dana. And we split a bottle and that's all it took.
And that was it for me. I remember thinking, okay. I can do high school now. I can be confident. I could be around other people. As long as I have alcohol. And that is the story that I told myself and believed in for the next 30 years of my life at
14 in the eighties that was normal.
Everybody was doing. I can confidently say that alcohol was the solution for my anxiety. It worked for me. No one told me how addictive alcohol was, especially for a shy girl who has social anxiety. Nobody was talking about this kind of stuff back then. Once I took that first sip. And I'll never forget it.
There may have been a Bartles and James included in there, but it was definitely the pink [00:06:00] champagne and the cheap stuff. Once I took that first hit, I just remember. This feeling of like I exhaled for the first time. I knew that was going to be a solution for these things that I had feared for being insecure for blushing, for breaking out in hives for not being able to really talk to boys and. And feeling different than other girls. That was going to be my solution.
You know, once we drink it, it helps us with something. We want that same feeling again. And for some of us. Again, and again, and again, and again, I had my first panic attack in my late twenties and because I hyper-focused on the next one happening, I created them in my mind. Manifested them regularly.
I wore turtlenecks every day to hide my blushing neck to work. Cause that's where I had my first panic attack in an office where everybody gathered around me, which that is one of the things that I. Dislike the most. I do not want to be the center of anybody's attention
I didn't want to be [00:07:00] anxious. I wanted to cover up that emotion because I thought it was bad. I wasn't seeing other people dealing with it, even though I knew that my dad had anxiety friends around me at that age, of course they were not having anxiety and panic attacks.
And that was in my twenties. This was before I met my husband. And, you know, I really grew up with. Sucking it up and I sucked it up really good. And then I poured a lot of alcohol over it. And anxiety was one of the top roadblocks to me, quitting drinking right up there with the fear that I can't do it.
And then also the fear of I'm going to be an outcast. Nobody's going to want to be around me, but what will I do? Without my liquid courage, even in my forties, towards the end of my drinking in my late thirties to mid forties, I started experiencing anxiety on a different level. It wasn't really giving me that kind of courage that I had back in my twenties.
I would feel agitated even while drinking after a stressful [00:08:00] day, for sure. And I always said, Hear me on this. Have you ever done this? I'm going to just say up front, I think you probably have, or somebody listening to this episode has I need a drink? I need a drink. I needed a drink. It was like, I was like, Breathing in and out, breathing in and out, but very shallow. And it was that first sip where I finally exhaled again, like I finally exhaled. And I always said that. I need a drink.
I need a drink for whatever reason I need to drink. I deserve a drink. As I got closer to quitting, I knew in my heart that alcohol wasn't helping me in any way. But I wasn't thinking. Alcohol is making my anxiety worse or causing me to have more anxiety. I was thinking I can't stop drinking because of it.
It was a bandaid. Alcohol was that bandaid. I slapped on it. And what would I do without it? I had done this for so many years. I would never go out or be social for sure. I would be nervous in panic mode due to stress at work and not being able to [00:09:00] relax. That's what I wanted. I wanted to be able to relax. And I felt like I was going to be in that, that mode, like. I deserve a drink.
I need a drink. I was always up and I wanted to come down and alcohol is a depressant. It brings you down. But for a very short time, but then you're right back up. And for me. I was getting right back up. Before I would lay my head on the pillow each night after drinking, I was up at 1:00 AM, literally up.
I can't calm down and the cycle continued. I couldn't imagine coming down. In stressful situations on my own. But I also knew that that feeling of being up. Was becoming more and more difficult to come down from, even with alcohol. Over 30 years of drinking.
My tolerance was through the roof. I knew there was not going to be enough alcohol to help with my anxiety or anything else at 45. I told myself that I would figure it out the night I quit drinking, you're gonna [00:10:00] figure it out. And I also told myself that I wouldn't be able to do some of the things that I used to do while drinking. Both of those things are true. What comes first. Figuring out if alcohol is making you anxious or more anxious or taking a break from drinking. What comes first changing our beliefs about alcohol or going alcohol free. In my experience, it was going alcohol free, removing alcohol, going all in on plan, a living alcohol-free. Managing anxiety with alcohol is not sustainable.
If you're wondering if it's alcohol or something else causing your anxiety, this is a great time to take a break so you can differentiate, especially if you're in peri-menopause or post-menopause.
Getting to the reasons why you are drinking. Is really hard to do while you're drinking. In my experience, I was not able to do it. So, if you're trying to give yourself a break, alcohol is making it difficult to learn more about what is bringing you to drink and to learn more about yourself.
It [00:11:00] was only until I stopped drinking that I was able to really determine where my anxiety was coming from. I tend to worry about things outside of my control. That is me. That is where most of my anxiety comes from. I wasn't trying to manage my anxiety while drinking. Like I said, in the beginning, I was trying to control it. Stop blushing.
Stop feeling nervous. Stop. Stop. Stop. And I had that deeply, deeply ingrained belief. That alcohol was the answer from the age of 14. I had to give myself time to give myself a different perspective of the story. Give yourself time to get a different perspective of any of the beliefs that you have around alcohol.
Are they true? It's for you to decide? We can't do anything about it. If we don't give ourselves enough time without alcohol to work through it, my anxiety didn't go away when I quit drinking, but I was able to think more rationally about things. That's how I can describe it. During the first year I felt anxious. But it wasn't on the same level [00:12:00] as when I was drinking, because I was giving myself that time and patients, I was alerting patients for the first time in my life to manage the way I felt without rushing to drink. I was finding more peace.
The longer I went without alcohol I was really not controlling my emotions anymore, but really letting them be man, it's hard. Anxiety is hard. Anxiety when I was drinking, it felt like I had a large dog on my chest. Today, it feels like I have a small dog, like our new puppy, Frankie blue, because he's always on me.
He's always laying on me. It's just not that bad. It's lighter. And that's how I can describe it. In early sobriety. I was really trying to control how I felt, but in time I stopped working hard to control my emotions. And I learned how to experience and manage them. It's taken me years and I'm still learning and practicing.
This is what I did to manage my anxiety. After I quit drinking. Number one. I chose to protect myself in early sobriety, not test myself. I [00:13:00] didn't say yes to anything that I feel would challenge my choice, not to drink. And I was good with that then. And I am still good with that. Now I reminded myself that it's not always going to be like this, this difficult. What I really found out a lot of the things that I said to myself, you're never going to do these things without drinking. Are things that I don't care to do. I'm good. If I never do them again, like sitting in a bar for eight hours, drinking or wine tasting or going to a concert. Going to a concert drinking.
I never thought that I was going to be able to do that. And yeah, I don't do that. I go to concerts. I fricking love concerts sober, but I'm not standing in line waiting for a $20 glass of cheap ass Chardonnay only to miss out on my favorite song and have bill tell me the next day.
Do you remember when they sang, like. I don't. I'm good. In the beginning, I chose to exercise four to five times a week. If you have anxiety, if you have stress. And you are not doing some sort of [00:14:00] movement. Try that out. I can't tell you that that's going to be the thing for you, but you can get outside and walk. Stretch.
Do yoga, put some George Michael freedom in your ear and dance around your house? Like no, one's watching. We got to let it out. You know, there's gotta be some sort of an outlet, especially if you're somebody like me, who's trying to keep a lid on it. Setting in my anxiousness doesn't work for me.
So in the beginning I would definitely go to the gym. That was new for me. I was pretty sedentary before that. Go to the gym four to five times a week. I would listen to music. I would move my body. I also kept busy at home by cleaning. Playing with our pup Beatrice taking walks. Doing anything?
I was busy, busy, busy, and that helped me. I chose to write about it in early sobriety, rather than stuffing it down. My journal was the best outlet for me and I was really helping myself in that journal. I was in conversation with myself. I was caring about myself, which is something that I had always wanted to do.
I wanted to give a damn about myself. [00:15:00] I wanted to stop thinking that other people were better than me and appreciate other people for who they are and appreciate myself for who I am. And man it's mind blowing. When I look back on the notes that I was writing myself during that first year, I was finding more compassion and more confidence, and I was cheering myself on. And that's life-changing
I don't care what age you are when you can get to that type of relationship that you're building with yourself, where you can be in conversation with yourself and actually listen to yourself and get it out instead of stuffing it down.
It's gold.
Another thing that I did in early sobriety was talk to my husband, bill Moore, about how I felt. He didn't understand. Of course he didn't understand any of the perimenopause stuff.
He didn't understand the anxiety he's pretty even killed, but of course he does get stressed and anxious. But not like I did. After 90 days of not drinking, we both saw the difference in me and in our relationship. And that was when he started to take my choice, not to drink more [00:16:00] seriously, even though he was super supportive. There was more of like a validation. At 90 days for both of us.
And he's been my number one supporter ever since I stopped drinking. There's a mindset shift that I was thinking about in my sobriety. And I'm not sure when it ticked over. It was when I realized that I was pouring alcohol over nervousness and anxiety and trying to hide myself. And. About maybe a year, maybe two years in.
I started to realize, well, now I'm pouring in. More love and more conversations. And. Strength training and strength, training and journal sessions and dance sessions and music and healthy food. And later on community and more rest and more acceptance of who I am.
Over the course of the last 10 years, I've given myself the chance to really accept who I am, my personality, my feelings, my anxiety. That's what's helped me manage my anxiety without drinking more than anything is acceptance of myself. Acceptance of who [00:17:00] I am. I was never supposed to be a party girl that 14 year old version of me was anything.
But. And I've accepted that I've accepted that choice that I made for myself. I think it comes with age for me as I've gotten older. I've just stopped referring to myself or anything really is good or bad. I just refer to myself as, this is who I am. I've wrecked myself for so many years trying to be someone I wasn't, I'm not for everyone.
And everyone is not for me is one of my favorite mottoes. I'm leaning more and more into that. The older I get for a long time, my narrative has been. You're too sensitive. You're too shy. You're too insecure. You're too. This not that. I'm not too sensitive.
I'm sensitive. I'm not too shy. I'm shy. What's your narrative. Can you own who you are at this moment, please. And give yourself that gift. Let's do that instead of trying to fix ourselves, let's accept ourselves because that's work. Acceptances work. And I'd rather work on that than the fixing part of it that I did for way too long and using alcohol to fix anything [00:18:00] is just bullshit.
I'm really learning and practicing how to loosen the reins and not trying to control the outcome of anything. As a mom, as a business owner, as a woman who is getting older and it was thinking, Ooh, how much time do I have left to do the things that I really want to do? I still worry about the future.
I can future trip, but the good thing is now. If I'm up, if I'm anxious, I can bring myself down without drinking today by sticking to those basics. I started out with talking it out. Working it out. Moving it out, writing it out. I'm practicing, breathing it out as a new tool, deep breathing. What a concept. Today, I practice more sleep and rest.
If I'm having an anxious day, I prioritize my evening to unwind. I journal. I read, I listened to something meditation, a podcast. I always feel better after I sleep. So I know if I'm having an anxious day, it's typically because I haven't slept. Sleeping is my number one. So I focus on that. I do wake up sometimes feeling anxious.
And I know [00:19:00] on those days, Maybe it was because of lack of sleep. Maybe it's something else. I can't pinpoint it. There are certain things I will not do during the day. And I had the flexibility to do that. There are certain things in my business that I just won't do. If I'm feeling anxious. So I spent a little bit more time on myself than anything else. Letting my anxiety out in a healthy way. I'm all about it.
Sometimes I really can't pinpoint where it's coming from. It's just how I feel. So I honor how I feel and I just give myself that time and grace to work through it. At 56 years old, I protect myself from drama. I don't want any drama, undue, stress, other people's stuff. I'm mindful of what I can and can't control in my life. I plan for social moments and up my self-care and downtime before and after any events, I have anticipatory anxiety.
So if I have something coming up in two weeks, I will start to think about it and get anxious. So I just planned downtime before
I stay in my lane. I disconnect from any kind of noise as much as [00:20:00] possible before the event. I'm a homebody. I love beat at home. I used to think that was a negative. That I wasn't out socializing all the time. I've socialized for two lifetimes. For me, I'm good. I like small groups, deep conversations, being around people who are real, being around people who I can laugh with and be silly with and be myself.
I can just jump into a conversation with someone and feel comfortable. That's what I want for the rest of my life. I'm at the gym four to five times a week. I take several walks throughout the day to get fresh air and breathe movement helps me more than anything right now. After I've listed all of these things that have helped me.
I want to remind you always the most important thing to do for yourself is to practice ways. To manage your anxiety without drinking and find ways that work for you, whether it be therapy, medication meditation. If you're telling yourself that you're the only one who feels anxious and needs alcohol to drink. You're not, I hope you know that after listening to this, if you're telling yourself you can't live without alcohol, because of your anxiety, [00:21:00] you can. If you don't believe in yourself and your ability to enjoy life, experiencing anxiety and not drinking, give yourself a shot. Even if it's the 50th time. And go all in on what you want more than drinking alcohol.
You're going to get there. It's not always going to be this difficult. Alcohol is not the solution to anxiety. You are. I wrote a letter to myself the other day to me the night I quit drinking. And I'm going to leave you with it. And just a minute first, I want to thank Maggie for sending in this question. You can always email me at hello Laureate. Laurie mascot.com. Ask a question. Topic for the podcast. I love hearing from you. Bottom line to recap this episode, I held myself back from quitting drinking because of that belief that I had, that alcohol helped with my anxiety, but I still stopped drinking.
I stuck to the basics that worked for me in the beginning. Find your basics. Remember mine talking it out, writing out, working it out. Those basic support, my sobriety still to this day. If you were suffering with anxiety and drinking [00:22:00] alcohol and fearful of quitting drinking because of it, I will always encourage you to get help for yourself because you do deserve help. And support. I
we'll be back next week with a short episode, answering a question that one of my TAF members asked that I think about often when does not drinking. Get easier. If you need help in your daily life to stay sober, download the daily sobriety toolkit. This is a free tool kit that you will use, and this is a free resource for you.
It is linked to the show notes.
If you want community, you want coaching, he needed that extra support wherever you are on your road to alcohol freedom. I want to encourage you to join team. Alcohol-free it's a wonderful place to come and get support.
We meet two to three times a week, depending on what plan you join. I recommend joining the plus plan. If you need extra support and you want to hang out with me a few times a week you can join team. Alcohol-free always in the show notes. I will be closing enrollment soon, probably in July, but get on in there before summer so we could spend the summer together. This is the kind message I wrote to myself the other day when I was on the treadmill letter to [00:23:00] myself, the night I quit drinking when I was worried about how I would control my anxiety without alcohol.
So. You can fill in your name here, if you would like to use this letter as a template, because this is also for you, my friend, if you are experiencing anxiety and know in your heart that alcohol isn't making it better and you're fearful of living without it. Dear Lori, You don't give yourself enough credit for how much control you have in your life.
You are fully capable of living the life you want and experiencing anxiety without drinking alcohol. You are the one you need not Chardonnay or champagne. Now is the time for you to start believing in yourself and use your capabilities to turn your life around. The only way you can do this is to give yourself this opportunity to stop drinking.
Even if it's not alcohol causing your anxiety, you know, in your heart, that your drinking, isn't what you want for yourself or your future. You also know that you wake up feeling more anxious after drinking then you do when you don't drink, that's all you need to know the rest you will figure out.
You're never going to regret this [00:24:00] decision to go alcohol free. I'm excited for you and your future. Take this chance on yourself.
Give yourself this opportunity. I love you. Thanks for listening today. I'm giving you a big hug on the way out. Take care of yourself this week. My friend peace.
Hey, there! I’m Lori, the host of the To 50 and Beyond podcast.
Where aging and living alcohol-free are celebrated.
To 50 and Beyond is about self-discovery, living for today, and designing an alcohol-free life that alcohol can’t compete with.
I’m with you.
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